Self Forgivness: My new life goal.

I hate to sound like an over dramatic old lady, but sometimes I just get really overwhelmed by how quickly life goes by. I am about to begin my final year of my university undergrad. The last few years of my life have been eventful. I have enjoyed them. I have made a lot of awesome memories and a lot of awesome friends. I am not really saddened by the ends of these times because, as cliché as it sounds, I know that every end is a new beginning and I'm excited for whatever the future holds. What saddens me about this end is the heavy weight of guilt and regret. This is a feeling I have carried with me for a long time. I have suffered these feelings in regards to not only my young adult years, but also my teenage years and my childhood. I have been plagued for a long time by every good thing I didn't do and every bad thing I shouldn't have done. In every moment I am plagued by who I am and who I am not and these feelings have a tendency to choke me and keep me from living the moment to the fullest. Then I am plagued with regret because I think I could have done a better job at work or school or had more fun if I had been less distracted by self hatred. It is a complex but vicious circle.

As a Christian I believe that Jesus's death forgives all of the bad things I do and yet I also believe that Jesus shows us, out of love, the best way to live ant that someone truly living under his forgiveness will be learning to walk in his footsteps, so - to be honest - in many ways my faith has increased my guilt where it is supposed to free me from condemnation.

I am coming out of a tough summer. I have been working at a camp and feel really discouraged and sad all summer because I have been focussing on my weaknesses as usual. I've been negative around my fellow staff when I should have been encouraging them and I've been too tired emotionally to really do my job right and this has just added to my self hatred. As the summer comes to an end I am left with a choice. I can go into my last year of university full of regret because of how I have spent my summer and just keep the cycle going, or I can end the cycle here and now with forgiveness.

 I can worry till I am blue in the face about how Christianity really works and whether or not I am really saved, forgiven, and loved, whether or not I really  believe in Jesus, and whether or not I am being sanctified or I can just choose to live like I have been forgiven and forgive myself.

In the words of John Green, I truly believe that forgiveness is the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering.

I know a lot of people who believe that focussing on forgiveness can cause complacency where people just do whatever they want to because they are forgiven but I'm going to experiment this year. I don't think that will happen with me because I am already tough on myself making sure I am responsible, and I think  forging will just inspire me to forgive others. At any rate, being really tough on myself, trying to figure everything out, and focusing on my failures have not been working in my life. They have not been making me a happier, wiser, or more loving person. I have reached a point in my life where I can't take things being the same anymore. I don't want to live a life of guilt and condemnation. I am choosing to forgive myself.

This is my goal for the new school year. You are welcome to join me if you like, or you are welcome to think that I'm foolish, but this is what I'm doing. I still need to come up with a specific plan of how I can make this work, but I'm starting right here and now by forgiving myself for the mistakes I've made this summer. This has been as summer for learning and I was still able to do ok despite my dark mindset, and Jesus died for these mistakes too, so I'm choosing to forgive myself and learn from my mistakes.