Thoughts About Death.

I remember how hard it was for me to make friends in first year. People who know me now might be surprised by this. I like to claim that I am very shy, but no one will believe me! Today I am very outgoing and know a lot of people in my classes and at church. I talk to everyone and have tons of friends, but, in the first two months of first year, I only knew a very small handful of people well enough to say hi to them in the halls. Of those people, there were only three that I would sometimes eat with and another guy I only knew from class who I used to randomely have super deep convorsations with. This is embarassing, but I remember wandering around campus hoping against hope that I would bump into him just because I was really lonely and missed talking to people about really deep stuff.

One time I saw him and we were small talking about school and stuff and we somehow got to talking about pecismism, optimism, problem solving... and death.

He said that death was just another problem to be solved.

I was so confused by that statement. I had never heard anything like it before in my life.

I was born into, and also raised in, a christian home. I was taught that death is just another part of life and that, for a Christian, it isn't scary at all because it means you get to party with Jesus.

I still don't know for sure if this guy was an atheist, but different things I knew about him made me think he was, and so, being shy, I didn't say anything about my religious beliefs. However, I did tell him that I didn't think death was a problem at all. In fact, I think I was a little too honest because I also mentioned something along the lines of the idea that I was excited to die because it was a lovely escape from life. I probably shouldn't have said that.

He was totally confused and blown away by this statement.

He was a very expressive dude. He started waving his hands around in the air expressing his disbelief in words and then grabbing hold of a short wall and hoisting himself up in the air then down again as though he was so upset by my statement that he had to work off some energy in excersise.

That was one of the most interesting interactions I have ever had.

Before that, it had never really struck me that some people are afraid of death or think of it as something to be fixed. Even my hippy agnostic friends talk about it as being a healthy continuation of life. They believe in reincarnation or peaceful nothingness and think of these as being natural and beautiful things.

However, all this being said, I do think that death poses a major problem that many Christians seem to ignore.

As a Christian, I don't think of death as being a problem for the dead, but for the living.

In the last convorsation I had with my dad before he died, he confessed that he had thought he was was going to die a few days before that when he had his first heart attack.

My dad was (is?) also a Christian, so he told me he wasn't afraid to die, but he said he didn't want to leave behind his family.

After he died, everyone told me that my dad was in a better place and that we, his family, would be taken care of by God.

All of this is true, and it should be comforting. I suppose it is kind of odd that my thoughts aren't completely focused on the joy of the grace, forgiveness, love, promises, care, and provisions of God. I guess, as I have said before, the problem is that my heart is gross and sinful and focused on what it thinks it wants instead of on what it needs.

This sinful heart cannot help but think that death sucks for the ones left behind. Even if I know I will see my dad again, even if I know that dad is partying in heaven, even if I know that God is taking care of me, I'm still not happy. I want to be with my dad now. That is selfish. Horribly selfish, but it is the reality of human emotion, and, like always, the question becomes: what do I do with my horribly selfish heart that is keeping me from the fullness of joy?

I geuss there is only one thing that I can do: beg The Holy Spirit to change  my heart while focusing on the beauty of Jesus by thinking about it, reading the bible, and listening to other people's thought on the subject.

I'm trying people, I really am, but sometimes I just want to be honest and write out my real thoughts and feeelings about life.

I think it is also important to note that Christians don't have to be (and aren't) happy all the time. Jesus wept when Lazareth(sp?) died, so maybe its ok to be upset about death. Maybe sadness is just a natural thing we have to experience.

I don't know.

I don't know much of anything.

ARagTagHooligan