Pre-Birthday Blog Post

Pre-Birthday Blog Post!

Tomorrow I will be a year older.  It is very strange to think of my own birth.

A lot has happened to me over those years.

I have cherished beautiful friendship, a loving family, and a beautiful God. I have experienced the difficulties of fighting and learned a bit about the power of forgiveness. I have also learned about death in a very personal way. I have not traveled very much, but the travels I have made have opened my eyes a little more than they were before. I have learned a lot about this crazy world in schools which also taught me the benefits of hard work and the reality of anxiety. I have worked a lot with children and learned from them the importance of imagination, chaos, patience, flexibility, dedication, persistence, energy, and, that confusing word, love. I have battled with questions that are so much bigger than myself and rejoiced in realizations so small that I am now embarrassed to admit what a long time it took me to understand.

Through the wonders of hindsight I have realized that these experiences are taking me somewhere. Although my foresight is not far enough to illuminate for me just where it is that I’m going, still I’m trusting God and holding on, and doing my best to enjoy the ride.

I am thankful for these experiences because of the joy and the learning that they have given me. However, I am a little bit nervous that I haven’t learned from them as much as I could have. I think there are a variety of reasons for this lack of true education. The first reason is that my brain is very slow. I have to work hard for understanding. It doesn’t come in an instant like it does for some people. The second reason is that even when my brain catches up to reality my heart seems to lag behind. I feel that I could fill books and books with the wisdom my life experiences have taught me, but I worry that none of these lessons have actually changed my behaviors. When I look at my life I see a stubborn heart that refuses to let go of a life lived wrong because of ignorance. You aren’t ignorant any more child; you have seen the light, why can’t you wake up and dance with joy and then change your habits? I worry, oh I worry, but I know I cannot save myself from my own stupidity. All I can do is cry out for more grace from my Abba, and pray that he will change my heart. I’m trying to hold on to the truth, but oh it’s hard.

ARagTagHooligan