Prepared to get in Trouble for my Honesty

There must be something wrong with me because Jesus doesn't give me very much joy.

I'm the worst Christian ever.

There must be soemthing wrong with me because I don't really have a testimony.

The story I tell when I am compelled to do so is a fabricated one of false dichotomies between stupid me and post epiphany me.

I've never had an epiphany.

It's all just a lie.

If there is anything beautiful in what little testimony I have left, if there is a testimony, if it has any truth, it lies in the fact that Jesus has never let go of me and that I have never given up on Him completely BECAUSE he has never given up on me completely.

However, there has been no transformation.

If you've read these stupid posts that I shouldn't have written you will see that my heart is gross and sinfull, and, above all, selfish.

You will have noticed that God is not the center of my life.

My behaviours have not changed. I still sin.

I am not overflowing with joy because of Jesus, even though I should be if you think about it logically.

I am selfish and dramatic and ever since I was about 13 years old I have been caught up in a self centered world of stupid selfish grief, doubt, and sin.

I must be defective.

And I'm probably a horrible person for saying this because I'm supposed to say that God is so big He can change the heart of even the worse sinner and He is cause for joy and all those things are true, I still believe them, but they haven't pierced my life, and I hate that, and I hate me.

ARagTagHooligan who is probably too honest and is going to get in trouble because I always get in trouble for being to honest.