My to-do list wears me out, not because the things I have to do aren't fun, but because there is a certain time within which I have to get them done. Something you should know about me is that I despise ephiciancy. I have a lot of very ephiciant friends who do not understand why I hate it so much. In their eyes, ephiciancy is good because it ensures that the least amount of time, energy, and money can be used for the best results. However, I am convinced that, even if ephiciancy does take less energy than anything else, it requires a much more difficult kind of energy. I'm also not sure I even believe that ephiciancy takes less energy because all the energy you save on the job is used up in figuring out what the most ephiciant method is. Planning takes a lot of energy.
What do I mean by "a much more difficult kind of energy"?
Like I said, I don't find the things on my to-do list to be stressful. I ENJOY listening to lectures, participating in seminar discussions, doing readings, and forcing my thoughts into papers that make sense. However, when the focus becomes getting something done on time (being ephiciant) I find that all the joy gets taken from the task. I don't just find this in school, I find this in every area of my life. I prefer to be able to just do something spontaneously and be completely overwhlemed by the joy of doing it, instead of being focused on the need to get it done. I don't want to be a robot!
I've tried to focus more on the joy of doing something than on the anxiety attached to the deadline, but it doesn't seem to work.
I mean, I HAVE to get things done on time in order to graduate and make sure that I get something for all the money I have spent on school.
In many ways my to-do list is freeing. It helps me stress less because now I know when I'm going to get everything done. The consequence is that I feel like a robot. I can't just do something when I am inspired to do it. I have to force myself to do things when the to-do list tells me to do them. This makes me feel like my heart is being turned off. It is hard to find joy in an action that you did not get to choose to do because you wanted to. It is hard to find joy in life when you are just blindly following a to-do list. How can I feel like I'm alive when I am a robot?
How can I let go of robot living when I am stuck in a society that demands ephiciancy if I don't want to be homeless???????
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