I really hate it when people try to simplify love, as though it were the answer to every problem. For starters, none of us are capable of true love if you define true love as putting another's needs ahead of yourself. We are all a little selfish.
But even if we COULD love selflessly, how would we go about that? It isn't just as simple as caring about someone more than we care about ourselves (which unfortunately isn't simple at all because we have to ask ourselves why we care about someone and usually at the bottom there is a selfish reason and because of the human condition we usually can't help but be selfish). Even if we can get past our selfishness there are more complications. What do other people need? That is a big one because we are all different and sometimes we need and want different things or the same thing in a different way or sometimes we don't know what we need.
For example: death or depression. Everybody deals with it differently. When someone dies or is sick I like facts. When things go wrong - like REALLY wrong - the emotional part of my brain shuts down and goes into hiding. I never cry at the really big things. That might be hard to believe because I cry all the time for the little things, but when something goes really wrong I can't even deal, so all I want is facts. I hate it because no one gets this, except my mother but usually when something goes really wrong someone else is sent to take care of me and they think "oh we should give positivity or hugs or try to make things seem less horrible or something" and I'm just like "Uhm no, you should tell me exactly what happened and answer all my questions" I find facts very reassuring when something goes wrong. I also like to talk about things, but not right away, later when most people assume that things are just magically ok now and stop talking about it. I would love if we could just sit and I could talk instead of all my thoughts and emotions which have finally come out of hiding being forced to stay forever in my own head. Another thing I like closer to when something really bad happens is just being together and not talking about what just happened, but like just watching a movie or hanging out or something really chill. Things I don't like are encouragement. I hate being told that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes things aren't ok. I mean ultimately things might be ok, but sometimes it FEELS like the world has crumbled, and rather than being told that the world hasn't crumbled (which I already know deep down in my toes) I would like you to try to understand that it FEELS like the world has crumbled. I don't like being told to be strong. I think it is not healthy to always try to be strong. If we never acknowledge our weaknesses the pain will be greater later when our weaknesses over take us. If we acknowledge our weaknesses we can get the help we need. I hate it when people try to refer me to someone else. I understand that you are human too, maybe you don't feel capable of love and so I try not to get too made about it, but it bothers me. It feels like quick simple fake love, like sweeping dust under the couch instead of really dealing with it.
The problem is that I know what I want, but I don't necessarily know what other people want. Some people can't handle all the details and find no peace or safety in factual information. Some people find that overwhelming. Some people can cry right away and need a hug. Some people would be comforted if you offered a tissue, even though I've always thought that was akin to yelling "shut up" in someone's face. Some people want to talk about it right away and some people never want to talk about it. Some people WANT to be reminded that the world hasn't crumbled even though it feels like it has. Some people want to be encouraged and assisted with attempting strength. Some people want to be left alone. Some people want to be referred to someone else with the skills to help.
Even though I spend a lot of time being angry at the people who call themselves my friends because it feels like they don't care, I realise that I've never been very good at showing I care when roles get reversed. My tongue gets tied and my arms feel like noodles and I stand there thinking "what should I do what should I say what does this person want what do they need." And failing and doing or saying the wrong thing is usually such a scary thought that I end up doing the worst thing of all which is nothing. So all I'm trying to say is don't tell us to love one another like it is the easiest thing in the world. Love is complicated and confusing.
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