An Interjection: You know, I never expected anyone to really read these things, but a couple people do and I feel like I should apologize to y'all. See, I just write these for me. It's a chance to work through my thoughts and I share it because I'm a fairly open and honest person. I like sharing my thoughts to give others an opportunity to respond, to disagree or expand upon my thoughts so that I can grow, or maybe even so that WE can grow TOGETHER. I know a lot of people who write blogs to teach. I'm not a teacher. I'm not quite confident enough in my beliefs to share them as truths, or to push them upon you. I am ashamed sometimes because of this lack of confidence, and ashamed because of the juvenile, foolish, and incomplete nature of some of my thoughts. So I figured I'd take some time to say I'm sorry and to remind you that I am trying to share with you not wisdom but a journey. I hope you will be open to this, because I like you and I'd like to walk with you through life. That's all. Please don't expect me to be a Tree when I am a Sapling. I want to grow but I cannot give you maple syrup when I am so young, and can only share with you my growing song.
On to the Subject of Joy: That being said, I want to talk to you about joy, because joy is the word I've been mulling over for a while now. It is the thing I've been looking for and the thing I've been fighting against. I once saw a quotation that said "If you want to be happy, then be." I thought to myself, "It's not that simple." A year ago at my church the pastor taught a sermon on contentment, and I got angry. To some I seem like a joyful happy person, until they get to know me even just a little. Oh I try to embrace the moment and the littlest thing can light me up like a Christmas tree, but the smallest thing can also tear me up and bring me down. I give too much power to my circumstances. I haven't mastered the art of being at peace, content, joyful, or thankful in every circumstance. I let the worries about tomorrow ring loudest among the thoughts in my mind. I let the sorrows around me render me immovable. I have gotten angry at my maker for not fixing it all up right now. I get angry at myself for not solving problems, being kind all the time, and being positive. Nothing is good enough, it all makes me sad.
Clearly this isn't pleasant and you won't be surprised to know that I've longed for another way to live, ad yet...when people try to tell me to be positive, thankful, joyful, at peace, or content I get oh so mad. This is because I know that changing the way we think is hard and I feel like love gets left out if we just tell people who are struggling: well there's a better way to live ya know, so why aren't you doing that? However, I think it is possible that I have become stunted in joy by holding so tightly to my understanding that it is hard to live this way and that people who struggle with this need to be forgiven supported and loved. I'm not saying we shouldn't support, love, and be patient with people who struggle to be positive or what have you. I'm not saying that we should get mad at them for not being able to move on from their sadness and frustration with their circumstances. All I'm saying is that I (not necessarily you, but me) need to start to enjoy my life. I need to be thankful for what I have. I'm not going to get mad at myself when this takes a long time to learn, but I'm not going to sit around being sad all the time because I think other people should be patient with my sadness. The aha moment for me is when I realised that being thankful and enjoying life is a beautiful possibility that I can embrace, not a duty. I hate the idea of duty and so this has helped me like this concept much better.
I have no idea if any of this made sense. I'm sorry if it didn't or if it was offensive.
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