Thank you for being the cracking cup beside mine: My creative writing for the night.

There are broken people everywhere, even if you can't see them. See, they are good at hiding - these broken people. They slip into the dark cracks in the makeup of our society and are lost. They can always find the cracks because they know about cracks because they are cracked. That's how they became so broken. They were cracked so many times. Often they were just little miniscule things that shouldn't matter, but a cup can only fall so many times before it goes from being quaintly chipped to seriously broken and a person is like that too. It's true, people are like cups. We only have so much room before we are filled all the way and, if we try to take on any more after that, we will overflow. So, all over the world there are all these broken and overflowing people that sometimes can't be seen. But, there are also people who are only half broken. These people cracked, and may still be cracking, but, as the pieces of their cups began to fall, they were propped up by other cups that stood beside them making sure that nothing broke. Sometimes these other cups are cracking too, but they stand there like that anyways. They just stand there: cracking but not breaking because they hold each other up.

God is Awesome: A Rant on a Different Perspective We Could Have

Lately I've been struggling with church. Every Sunday I go and hear about what is wrong with me and what I should be. For example, I've learned I should:

Treat the people at my church like family
Not hide my light
Exalt Jesus as King over my life
Be more trusting
Be content

etc. ... etc. If you've been to church a lot you've probably heard similar ideas.

One thing I love about my church is how faithful it is to constantly go back to the gospel: the idea that it is finished, that we are forgiven because Jesus paid the price, and we receive this forgiveness through God's gift of faith and it is not by works so that no one can boast!

The only problem is that this often get's tagged on at the very end of a guilt tripping sermon that ends up sounding (at least to me) a bit like this:

You aren't doing this, you should do this, mostly because God tells you to, but I'll go on for a bit more about why you should do this, if you don't do this you aren't really saved, so please just do this, oh by the way, if you are depressed because you suck don't worry, you can't be forgiven by doing this thing that you should do, your salvation is by grace not by works so that no one can boast so it's all good.

I often seem to be the only one who finds this ridiculously confusing and small group becomes about answering my question (asked for the hundredth time) seeking clarification that we are not saved by works because the sermon (once again) seemed to suggest that.

Usually I just wind up looking like a stupid idiot whose thick skull is impermeable by the truth. (which isn't exactly untrue, I am a bit of a stupid idiot, but still)...

Here is why I think it get's so confusing.

We are forgiven despite what we do and doing good stuff doesn't earn us salvation.
BUT true faith (which I believe has to be a gift or otherwise we could boast about our faith) will produce works.
Therefore, we don't want to be encouraging each other to just keep on doing dumb stuff because then we're all going to have dead faith because true faith produces good works.

BUT if your plant is dying you don't glue on leaves, you water it and give it fresh dirt.

I could be wrong but here's my perspective:

If there are no works in my life, my faith must be broken. All I can do is cry out to God and keep seeking him, going to church, small group, and reading the word to find out more about the only one who can change me rather than trying to change myself.

However, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to sit around doing dumb stuff waiting to magically be changed. I'm all for trying to do good and turn from bad but I think we gotta be careful about how we think about this.

I could be wrong but I figure: do good not to earn salvation, forgiveness, or heaven. Do good cause God said to and because we've seen that He loves us, so we trust that His way is better. Then when you fail don't stress, cause you are forgiven.

So why do good? Not to earn salvation, but because, if you think about it, a lot of what He says to do MAKES SENSE, and it is the BEST way to live.

There are two potential problems with this way of thinking. One: the prosperity gospel is false, and Two: God's ways aren't always going to make sense to our human brains.

One: it's true that people could hate you for being a Christian, you'll still get sick, you could still lose your job and become homeless. Christianity doesn't guarantee you a materially perfect happy life BUT I would argue that it gives you another kind of happy life.

Jesus says his yoke is easy and his burden is light. It is said that all things work together for the good of those who love God.

I would suggest that, though following God could lead to homelessness, you can still have joy because you know and trust that God is in control and that beauty can come from apparent darkness and because you know that heaven is coming and because you are freed from guilt. You don't have to feel pressured to do everything right and beat yourself up if you lose your job because you know that you are forgiven and that this apparent awful situation could bring about the greater good. Maybe you will meet someone in need on the streets and tell them about Jesus and keep them from taking their life!

I think following God leads to a better life, just a different(and better) kind of better than what we may be used to thinking about. And I think that's why we should follow Him, because we trust Him.

Two: what about when things don't make sense to our human brains? What about when we can't comprehend why or how God's way is better than ours? I could be wrong but here are my ideas: 1 - if we can't trust God we'll be forgiven, sanctification is a slow process 2 - we learn from our pasts, hind site is 20/20, look back has God ever said to do something that sounded crazy that you can see now made more sense than your plan? It's through those things that we start to see that God is way smarter than we are and it makes sense to follow him. 3 - This is where faith and trust come in. It's hard to trust God cause we are stupid humans but it makes sense even if we can't see it.

So, if (by some wild chance) I was right, why don't people preach about how awesome and trustworthy God is to inspire us to follow Him instead of just telling us what we should do? I get that it is important to know that I suck to see that God doesn't and that it is important to know what I should be doing so I can work on trusting God enough to do it, but I feel like people don't talk enough about how amazing God is when this is what is going to inspire me to trust him.

The Guilt of First World Problems

I apologize again for writing so much. Things are slow, because I'm just studying for exams not actually going to classes. I'm a thinker, the thoughts run through my head and they will just stay there and spin around and around and around tormenting me forever if I don't get them out.

Seriously, I know people get mad that I just never stop talking but you don't understand its a compulsion I need to shut up my brain and you really don't have to feel obligated to read my nonsense.

A few weeks ago, or maybe it was like a month ago, this girl did a presentation in my class about her anxiety disorder. She was just talking about all the different aspects of this struggle and she said one thing which really stuck out to me. She said she feels a lot of guilt about her anxiety disorder because it's a "first world problem" and "other people have it worse."

I was going to say a lot more, but I think I can leave it at this: guilt makes everything worse.

No one should have to feel guilty about going through a tough time.
No one should have to feel like they are just being dramatic.
Sometimes mountains ARE mole hills but that doesn't mean it's their fault. Some people see mountains when they look at mole hills.
No one should have to feel an obligation to "be strong" which will make them feel like they have to pretend that things aren't wrong when they are.
No one should have to feel guilt when they are going through a hard time, it won't help them recognize that the mountains are mole hills, it won't help them escape their bad ways of dramatic selfishness. If that IS what it is...

How Can A Bunch of Broken People do Life Together?

Ok this is the question I have been struggling with ALL year and even longer: How do a bunch of broken people do life together?

I was talking to my Mum about how the death of a loved one often completely changes peoples worldviews, makes them revaluate their priorities, think about their beliefs, and value their lives more. Then I was like man Dad dying did none of that for me. Then I realised that it did brig up a lot of thinking for me but it was just of a different nature. The affect of my Dad's death on my life is well summarized in his last conversation with me. He was talking about how earlier in the week he had thought he was going to die and I just flipped on him. "Dad you didn't die and you aren't going to die so just shut up and be positive, you survived and you're fine now and your getting better so just don't talk like that." He responded to all that in calm logical Dad fashion: "I wasn't afraid to die, I just didn't want to leave my girls."

And that is, for me, the root of much of my struggles.

I know that even if I completely mess up this life I am already forgiven and there is something way better waiting for me.
I'm not afraid to die, because I know where I'm going.
I'm encouraged to know that my Dad is already there.
Death is not a problem for me...

BUT life is. I'm currently stuck in the right now without him, trying to figure out how to survive without my strong Papa Bear to lean on. We, his girls, needed him, and he left, and, for me, that is the problem with death, not that he had to face the unknown but that we have to wait around without him before we too can take the next step from life to death.

I pretty much always knew that I was broken, but it wasn't until after Dad died that I realized everybody else is too.

It was after Dad died that I realized people didn't know how to be there for me, and that everyone had their own problems and I hated bothering people. I still did, but I felt bad about it after.

I had always known that I made mistakes, but it wasn't till then that I started realizing that others did too. Many I thought I could rely on weren't there for me when he died and I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought that I was being dramatic and selfish and didn't deserve to ask for help, but I realized sometimes people just aren't perfect and don't know what to do and I forgave them eventually. I hadn't really known all this before.

And this is one of the biggest problems I have with church. We are all sinners, we are all broken. How the heck can we help one another, provide for one another, or love one another?

They were talking today at church about how we are supposed to be a family. How can I step up and help if I'm too broken and have nothing to give? How can I get up the nerve to ask you for help if I know you're broken and have nothing to give? So I inch towards my mole hole, but...it's not any nicer down there. It's lonely, its confusing, there is no one to talk to and no one to hug, but life in the open is just as confusing and scary.

How Can A Bunch of Broken People do Life Together?

The Mountains that I Face

(Sorry I'm writing so much, you don't have to read it, I'm just trying to get all the English thoughts out of my head so that I won't accidently speak English when I'm in Quebec for five weeks this summer, because if I do I'll get sent home.)

Ah yes, just choose joy she said, it make sense, and it will be lovely she said.
But there are mountains right?
Mountains we have to climb.
Joy is not a tropical island reached by a speeding fast jet plane.
A plane that speeds away from the mountains.
Joy is on the mountain. Joy is a way of climbing the mountain.
But I think this way takes time to figure out.
Like any skill we are trying to learn or habit we are trying to make: we don't wake up one morning doing it perfect, we fall and we stumble and we get a little better slowly, slowly, slowly.
That's why I say I'm sharing my journey with you as I stumble along.
I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not very good at whatever it is, but I'm doing it and I'm falling, I'm laying down, then I'm getting up again, I'm growing, and I'm learning.
Sometimes I believe lies without knowing it, but then hopefully my eyes are opened later.
I'm slow.
Slow, slow, slow. But I'm climbing.
That's the way I am for everything else so why not for this joy journey?
I'm learning to be patient with myself and forgive myself when I fall down. It helps me be brave enough to get back up.
So what I want to share with you are some of the things getting in the way of my joyfulness: the mountains I'm trying to learn to climb, the mindsets I'm trying to get rid of.
The first one is hopelessness. I talk about that more here: http://aragtaghooligan.blogspot.ca/2012/11/i-shall-hope.html
Basically it's just the idea that there is a lot wrong with the world, but I'm trying to believe that God is in control: that the bad can be made good (maybe not the good we'd like but beauty can come from brokenness), hearts can be changed, and at the end it will all be worth the beautiful forever together with Him. If we give up because it's too hard, well that's just a waste of time and energy when we could be dancing up the mountain.
The second mountain is guilt.
It's odd because I believe that Jesus' death means there is now no condemnation for those who believe. Everything we've done wrong is forgiven. We are free to grow without hating ourselves for the mistakes we make along the way, and yet oh man do I ever hate myself sometimes.
Guilt is a huge mountain in my life.
I feel guilty about everything.
I feel guilty about what I do and about what I don't do. I feel guilty when I decide to take a break or not to bother with that extra effort when I know my paper's good enough because I think about how I could have gotten a few more marks although it would have come at a cost and I probably needed a nap more than five more marks. I feel guilty when I spend money even if its on something that everyone else says is worth it because I could have given that money away or because if I ever become homeless it will be all my fault. I worry about things going wrong, not so much because I'm not willing to go through a tough time, but because I can't face the shame and guilt of knowing that I brought it on myself through bad decisions. Then I feel guilty about worrying when I should be trusting. I feel guilty when I'm crying myself to sleep because I know that others have it worse than me. I feel guilty for being sad because I know I should be at peace, be content, be thankful, and have joy. I feel guilty for feeling guilty because I know I should forgive myself.

The weird thing is that neither of these mountains need to be mountains. I don't need to feel guilty because I am forgiven. I don't need to be hopeless because there is hope. But see, the mountains are in my mind and that is almost worse than if they were just real on the outside. If they were real on the outside I could use the truth in my mind like secret weapons like big blasting water guns to corrode the mountains and break apart the rock till its just a lovely hilly country but not a big bad mountain. However, when the mountains are in my mind they fight the truth, they grow over the truth. I have the weapons I need but they are just ideas in my mind that are hard to believe when the mountains are growing over them.

I want to be a joyful person and I want to have faith, but the funny thing is no one has told me how to do it. They've told me what they think is true; they've told me what to believe, but after I understood all that they didn't tell me how to use it against the mountains. They don't hold my hand on the journey. I get left alone sometimes staring at the mountains with these weapons I don't know how to use/ how to believe, trying desperately to figure out the first step.

Here's my first step: forgiving myself for not being joyful, for not dancing up the mountain, even as I try to dance up the mountain.

I said yesterday that I hate duty. I didn't explain that I hate duty because if you don't do a duty you have to feel guilty.

I said that I don't want to not do the things I should just because I'm freed from seeing them as duties. That's true. I want to dance joyfully up the mountains even though I'm trying not to see it as a duty so that I won't have to hate myself when I fall, but it's really, really hard to do.

My first step is forgiving myself for failing. I already haven't managed to be joyful.

That's ok, I'll never be joyful if I'm mad at myself for not being joyful.

Man life is confusing.

Forgive me for blabbering.

Oh Joy?

An Interjection: You know, I never expected anyone to really read these things, but a couple people do and I feel like I should apologize to y'all. See, I just write these for me. It's a chance to work through my thoughts and I share it because I'm a fairly open and honest person. I like sharing my thoughts to give others an opportunity to respond, to disagree or expand upon my thoughts so that I can grow, or maybe even so that WE can grow TOGETHER. I know a lot of people who write blogs to teach. I'm not a teacher. I'm not quite confident enough in my beliefs to share them as truths, or to push them upon you. I am ashamed sometimes because of this lack of confidence, and ashamed because of the juvenile, foolish, and incomplete nature of some of my thoughts. So I figured I'd take some time to say I'm sorry and to remind you that I am trying to share with you not wisdom but a journey. I hope you will be open to this, because I like you and I'd like to walk with you through life. That's all. Please don't expect me to be a Tree when I am a Sapling. I want to grow but I cannot give you maple syrup when I am so young, and can only share with you my growing song.

On to the Subject of Joy: That being said, I want to talk to you about joy, because joy is the word I've been mulling over for a while now. It is the thing I've been looking for and the thing I've been fighting against. I once saw a quotation that said "If you want to be happy, then be." I thought to myself, "It's not that simple." A year ago at my church the pastor taught a sermon on contentment, and I got angry. To some I seem like a joyful happy person, until they get to know me even just a little. Oh I try to embrace the moment and the littlest thing can light me up like a Christmas tree, but the smallest thing can also tear me up and bring me down. I give too much power to my circumstances. I haven't mastered the art of being at peace, content, joyful, or thankful in every circumstance. I let the worries about tomorrow ring loudest among the thoughts in my mind. I let the sorrows around me render me immovable. I have gotten angry at my maker for not fixing it all up right now. I get angry at myself for not solving problems, being kind all the time, and being positive. Nothing is good enough, it all makes me sad.

Clearly this isn't pleasant and you won't be surprised to know that I've longed for another way to live, ad yet...when people try to tell me to be positive, thankful, joyful, at peace, or content I get oh so mad. This is because I know that changing the way we think is hard and I feel like love gets left out if we just tell people who are struggling: well there's a better way to live ya know, so why aren't you doing that? However, I think it is possible that I have become stunted in joy by holding so tightly to my understanding that it is hard to live this way and that people who struggle with this need to be forgiven supported and loved. I'm not saying we shouldn't support, love, and be patient with people who struggle to be positive or what have you. I'm not saying that we should get mad at them for not being able to move on from their sadness and frustration with their circumstances. All I'm saying is that I (not necessarily you, but me) need to start to enjoy my life. I need to be thankful for what I have. I'm not going to get mad at myself when this takes a long time to learn, but I'm not going to sit around being sad all the time because I think other people should be patient with my sadness. The aha moment for me is when I realised that being thankful and enjoying life is a beautiful possibility that I can embrace, not a duty. I hate the idea of duty and so this has helped me like this concept much better.

I have no idea if any of this made sense. I'm sorry if it didn't or if it was offensive.

I wish people would stop talking about pride

I've noticed over the years that some of my dearest friends just love critiquing themselves for being too proud-full. It doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe I just don't know them well enough, but I've never noticed their pride. I've noticed confidence at times, but not a refusal to apologize when they make a mistake or to admit they are wrong if you confront them on something. In fact I've noticed just the opposite. I've noticed, in them, a humility and a willingness to admit that they aren't perfect and that they aren't done growing.

People talk about pride like it's the absolute worst bad trait out there and I've never understood why because I've never actually met a proud person.

I have met people who acted like they were way better than me when they weren't and originally refused to admit their mistakes, but every time I got closer to one of these people I discovered the truth of their self doubts. It's like my Mum says "sometimes short men try to make themselves taller by cutting off another man's legs." If someone is always acting like they are better than you it doesn't mean they believe it. It probably means they want to believe it.

I've heard too many whispered confessions followed up with the whispered fear of "am I a horrible person" to believe that people actually think they are awesome.

I think we all know we need to grow. I think we all know we make mistakes.

I think many of us don't know what to do with this knowledge. We don't know how to admit our mistakes, find forgiveness, and embrace growth: that's the problem! Not that we actually believe we are better than everyone else. So please either explain to me why I'm wrong or just stop going on about how we are all so pride-full, the pride is false, and it's covering up a bigger problem.

To All Who Are Still Breathing

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Do you want to know something that really bothers me? I hate when people die and suddenly all us living put aside our bad memories, our fights, our annoyances, or the fact that we never even talked to the dead. Suddenly the dead are seen as being perfect when they lived and we wish we had hung out with them more. I have two things to say, and if they are offensive I apologize from the depths of my heart. 1. Nobody is perfect. I'm not saying we need to talk bad about the dead. That is disrespectful to their loved ones. However, I am just urging you to remember that perfection isn't what makes us valuable, because none of us are perfect. If you are still alive and you feel like you don't match up to the stories of when the dead were living, don't give up heart. You can still grow, you can still play a role, you can still be loved. 2. When people die we realize our differences are often so silly and we begin to wish we had spent more time with the dead when they were living. Look around you! There are so many lonely people who you might not have time to value or maybe they seem annoying to you, but I bet if they died today you'd wish you'd stepped up and said hey so why not do it right now? I'm not lecturing, I'm thinking out loud to myself, just narrating my own journey.