Here are a few questions that I've been asking myself today.
1: Where were you five years ago?
2: At that time, where did you hope you'd be in five years?
3: Are you anywhere near that place?
4: Do you think that five-years-ago-you would understand and accept where you are now?
5: Where do you want to be in five years?
6: What is the worst place that you could be?
7: Where, realistically speaking, do you think you will actually be?
1: Five years ago I was 16 years old, and not quite half way through my grade elven year.
It had been five months since my father had died and five months since I had last gone to church, although I was still going to the youth group I'd been attending since grade nine which was a bit of a stability record for me.
I was much less involved than I had been the year before. I started the year in drama club, in a book club, on the rowing team, and in the safe schools and social justice club, but I slowly quit all of those things until I was just involved in drama. I didn't even try out for the school play but opted instead for working back stage. I said it was because I didn't like the script and I wanted to give back stage a try, but everyone knew it was because I didn't want to be in a play my dad couldn't watch.
I got an academic award for the first time and I didn't go to the ceremony for the same reason.
My sister had moved to Toronto for school and my Mom had started working for the first time ever so I felt like everything was changing. I was confused and angry about everything and worried a lot about becoming a metaphorical monster.
Yet, despite all of these tough changes, my mother and I were getting closer. I was getting good grades. At school I had started hanging out with a different group of friends at lunch, and I had surprisingly become extremely close to the girl who I had fought so much with in the first two years of high school that, just one year earlier, all our classmates had been really worried when one of our teachers made us sit according to the alphabet because it meant we had to sit together and no one wanted to hear us fight. The changes weren't all bad.
2: I can't remember if I wanted to go to University first (In which case it would be Trent to major in English and minor in History) and then travel across Canada meeting interesting people, hearing their stories, and writing first a collection of short stories about my travels and then a bunch of historical fiction novels, or if I wanted to skip university all together and go straight for being a famous author. If I was in my screw university phase already then I would have hoped that, in five years, I'd be married with kids and we'd be travelling as a family.
3. Well, I am definitely not married with kids and I haven't seen that much of Canada yet and I am no longer planning on being an author. However, I am studying English at Trent (though I am minoring in Canadian Studies not History) and I still plan on a future filled with a career to do with books, travelling, and marriage.
4. I think so, I mean I wasn't completely adverse to university yet when I was 16 and Canadian Studies makes more sense than History and being a Librarian is still pretty cool. I think I would be a little disappointed about how I've given up the dream of writing and because I'm still single.
5. I don't care too much. I want to have food, drink, shelter, family, friends, and a way to love and help others, after that...who cares. However, if I had to pick something I'd say I'd be graduated from my M.L.S. and working in a library and married to a man and talking about when and how and if we want to have kids, but really whatever, I'm gunna just wait and see.
6. Either homeless or living in a suburban home in the GTA with a man I don't even love who wears suits all the time and made me have a fancy wedding. Those two situations are pretty much my worst fears, but who knows future me could very well be content homeless or in the GTA, you never know right?
7. Hmm realistically? I'll probably have food, drink, shelter, family, and friends so in that regards it will all be good. I'll probably be graduated from school and working some sort of job. It would be nice if it has to do with books or kids but maybe it will just be at taco bell. I'll probably still be single but I will be in a church community, have lots of friends, and be no more than a two day road trip away from my family (probably still in Ontario somewhere). I will probably be just as confused about God as I have been since I was 13 and I will probably get really sad and hopeless sometimes too, but when it comes down to it I will probably be happy just as I am now. There will still be beautiful nature to enjoy and fascinating philosophical conversations to contemplate, and it will all be ok.
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