Highlights of my 2012
1. My bus trip to Northern Ontario with two of my closest friends:
We packed snacks to eat on the road instead of wasting money on fast food. We were excited to start our trip so we took an early bus that left around 5 or 6pm but took the long route to Toronto making all sorts of stops along the way. We still got there very early so we hung out at one of the girls' best friend's fiancé's house. Her best friend was there too, as well as her fiancé's roommate. They had a turtle that they let crawl around the apartment and the living room was so small that they had no furniture, just couch pillows. We went for dinner at The Korean Grill where we got to cook our food ourselves right at our table. I felt like I was a fictional book character who had been stranded on a desert island. It was very poetic. The one guy I didn't even know randomly paid for our dinner. Then we got on a 1 am bus and slept/ talked/ snacked all the way to WaWa where our bus broke down. We got out a couple times along the way to run and wander. We got coffee at The Steamy Bean in Sault Ste Marie. That was poetic. Then in WaWa the bus broke down. We got so bored we planked on the bus seats, played cards, and even made snow angels in the snow. We had no way to contact our friend who was waiting for us in White River because none of us could get cell phone reception. Finally a school bus came and drove us to White River where our friend met us and drove us to her home in another farther away town. It was probably like 10pm or something by the time we got there so it took us more than 24 hours in total since we had so many delays. It was a marvelous adventure.
2. Snowshoeing for my first time: this happened while visiting our friend up North.
3. Skiing for my second time: this was much more fun than the first time because that first time I went with someone I wasn't very comfortable with. I fall more than I glide so whoever goes with me needs to be comfortable digging me out of the snow. It was fun but the old fashioned T-Bar lift was a bit of a scary adventure.
5. Being homeless for my first time ever: It was only for a night or two and I had a friend's couch to sleep on. I ate dinner in a park though, so that was memorable.
4. Moving to a really poetic stone house.
3. My first time working at an overnight summer camp.
4. Getting a volunteer position reading picture books to adorable little children.
5. Finding out that I'm going to be an aunt.
Other than that it wasn't a very interesting year. School, friend, church, visits home to hang out with family, etc. It was a fairly good year though.
Monday, 31 December 2012
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Thoughts on Christmas
I realize Christmas is over, but it just happened, so I have some thoughts on it. See, I know some people who aren't so big into Christmas. I mean, I'm not really a huge fan of Christmas, but that's for personal reasons vis a vis the death of my dad, etc. As a theoretical idea I really like Christmas. I know some people say it is much too commercialized but we all really have a choice on how commercialized we make our own Christmas celebrations. If you don't want a commercialized Christmas than you have some of the following options (among others):
1. Handmade Christmas gifts. (If you know how to knit or crochet you can make blankets, mittens, hats, and slippers/ if you know how to use carpentry tools you could make furniture and knick-knacks and picture frames things/ you could give coupons for favours/ etc. use your imagination)
2. I know someone who gives money to charities under the name of the person they would normally give a gift to.
3. If you do a Secret Santa type thing than you only have to give a gift for one person.
4. If you shop local, or fair trade you don't have to feel as guilty about spending so much money because the money you are spending is going to make someone (the person you are giving to) happy, and it is also helping out the person you are buying from.
Now that I've reminded you that it is possible to de-commercialize Christmas let me remind you of a few reasons why Christmas is awesome
1. If you are a Christian, like me, it is used as a time to remind you of the greatest gift ever. Yeah I know a lot of people think that all the other parts of Christmas take away from this part, but this part is still a big part of it.
2. It is another great opportunity to gather together with friends and family.
3. It is a time when everyone is reminded of the people who are in need and feel motivated to help out and include the lonely. Yeah we should be doing this all the time, but you know what?
- we are humans, sometimes we forget but it is nice to have a reminder once a year where everyone gets together and helps each other out. It is heart warming.
4. Christmas occurs around the darkest time of the year and its nice to have all the little lights shining and brightening everything up.
5. Christmas created Christmas music and Christmas movies and I like both.
I'm sure there other reasons but this is all I can come up with at this time. My point is, don't be so hard on Christmas, it's got a good side.
1. Handmade Christmas gifts. (If you know how to knit or crochet you can make blankets, mittens, hats, and slippers/ if you know how to use carpentry tools you could make furniture and knick-knacks and picture frames things/ you could give coupons for favours/ etc. use your imagination)
2. I know someone who gives money to charities under the name of the person they would normally give a gift to.
3. If you do a Secret Santa type thing than you only have to give a gift for one person.
4. If you shop local, or fair trade you don't have to feel as guilty about spending so much money because the money you are spending is going to make someone (the person you are giving to) happy, and it is also helping out the person you are buying from.
Now that I've reminded you that it is possible to de-commercialize Christmas let me remind you of a few reasons why Christmas is awesome
1. If you are a Christian, like me, it is used as a time to remind you of the greatest gift ever. Yeah I know a lot of people think that all the other parts of Christmas take away from this part, but this part is still a big part of it.
2. It is another great opportunity to gather together with friends and family.
3. It is a time when everyone is reminded of the people who are in need and feel motivated to help out and include the lonely. Yeah we should be doing this all the time, but you know what?
- we are humans, sometimes we forget but it is nice to have a reminder once a year where everyone gets together and helps each other out. It is heart warming.
4. Christmas occurs around the darkest time of the year and its nice to have all the little lights shining and brightening everything up.
5. Christmas created Christmas music and Christmas movies and I like both.
I'm sure there other reasons but this is all I can come up with at this time. My point is, don't be so hard on Christmas, it's got a good side.
Thursday, 13 December 2012
What do I want? (More Dangerous Honesty)
What is wrong with me?
This is what I want to know.
Why am I sad all the time when I have absolutely no reason to be?
My list of things to be thankful for that I had on my old computer had grown to around 430 points. So far I have only been able to come up with 281 points for my new list, but that is still a lot of things to be thankful for.
I have everything I need (Jesus), everything I REALLY want (family, friends, food, water, and shelter) and a whole bunch of other things that I also want (good grades and a free computer eccetera). I don't deserve any of these gifts, I guess that is what makes them special.
So why am I so sad all the time?
Is it because I am confused?
I don't think so.
I am growing in clarity all the time, but it doesn't seem to help.
Things only seem to make sense to me on paper. I know possible answers to the biggest questions and they make sense in my mind, but when I go to live them out I feel like something is missing: where is the joy, the peace, and the contentment?
My faith teaches that Jesus's death has freed us from an endless attempt to be good enough. We will never be good enough but that's ok, Jesus dealt with our failings and now we are forgiven. My faith teaches that bad stuff will happen here on the earth. My faith teaches that we should do what we can to help each other out but it does not suggest that it will be enough. My faith does not teach that all Christians will win the lottery and will never have to fight cancer. My faith does seem to teach that it doesn't matter who is a jerk to you, or how much you suck, or if the earth is melting, or if your best friend has passed away, because Jesus loves and forgives you and someday soon you shall be partying with Him in heaven. I have heard people say all this in such an eloquent way that it sounds so ridiculously beautiful that I want to cry. I have even tried to echo what they have to say, but I always feel like something is missing. My words sound hollow. They do not give me the joy that they should. I am selfish, I want more. I want the peace of heaven to kick the pain of sin out now and I want everyone to be saved. I don't want to have to wait, and I don't want anyone to miss out. I can talk about the hope of Jesus with the best of them, but there is a hollow feeling in my stomach. A feeling that comes from seeing one too many people cry.
It's true my life is ridiculously blessed, and I don't have a right to be sad, but others do. I know I should be fighting to make their lives better rather than hiding in my room being gloomy, but I don't know how to kick the feeling that it will never get better. I know it will. The idea that Jesus loves us and is going to come back is something I can't stop believing. I have seen His loved played out in my life. He has taken care of me.
So why am I sad? I am sad because I am not the only one in the world and not everyone is as lucky as me.
This is what I want to know.
Why am I sad all the time when I have absolutely no reason to be?
My list of things to be thankful for that I had on my old computer had grown to around 430 points. So far I have only been able to come up with 281 points for my new list, but that is still a lot of things to be thankful for.
I have everything I need (Jesus), everything I REALLY want (family, friends, food, water, and shelter) and a whole bunch of other things that I also want (good grades and a free computer eccetera). I don't deserve any of these gifts, I guess that is what makes them special.
So why am I so sad all the time?
Is it because I am confused?
I don't think so.
I am growing in clarity all the time, but it doesn't seem to help.
Things only seem to make sense to me on paper. I know possible answers to the biggest questions and they make sense in my mind, but when I go to live them out I feel like something is missing: where is the joy, the peace, and the contentment?
My faith teaches that Jesus's death has freed us from an endless attempt to be good enough. We will never be good enough but that's ok, Jesus dealt with our failings and now we are forgiven. My faith teaches that bad stuff will happen here on the earth. My faith teaches that we should do what we can to help each other out but it does not suggest that it will be enough. My faith does not teach that all Christians will win the lottery and will never have to fight cancer. My faith does seem to teach that it doesn't matter who is a jerk to you, or how much you suck, or if the earth is melting, or if your best friend has passed away, because Jesus loves and forgives you and someday soon you shall be partying with Him in heaven. I have heard people say all this in such an eloquent way that it sounds so ridiculously beautiful that I want to cry. I have even tried to echo what they have to say, but I always feel like something is missing. My words sound hollow. They do not give me the joy that they should. I am selfish, I want more. I want the peace of heaven to kick the pain of sin out now and I want everyone to be saved. I don't want to have to wait, and I don't want anyone to miss out. I can talk about the hope of Jesus with the best of them, but there is a hollow feeling in my stomach. A feeling that comes from seeing one too many people cry.
It's true my life is ridiculously blessed, and I don't have a right to be sad, but others do. I know I should be fighting to make their lives better rather than hiding in my room being gloomy, but I don't know how to kick the feeling that it will never get better. I know it will. The idea that Jesus loves us and is going to come back is something I can't stop believing. I have seen His loved played out in my life. He has taken care of me.
So why am I sad? I am sad because I am not the only one in the world and not everyone is as lucky as me.
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Five years ago and five years to go.
Here are a few questions that I've been asking myself today.
1: Where were you five years ago?
2: At that time, where did you hope you'd be in five years?
3: Are you anywhere near that place?
4: Do you think that five-years-ago-you would understand and accept where you are now?
5: Where do you want to be in five years?
6: What is the worst place that you could be?
7: Where, realistically speaking, do you think you will actually be?
1: Five years ago I was 16 years old, and not quite half way through my grade elven year.
It had been five months since my father had died and five months since I had last gone to church, although I was still going to the youth group I'd been attending since grade nine which was a bit of a stability record for me.
I was much less involved than I had been the year before. I started the year in drama club, in a book club, on the rowing team, and in the safe schools and social justice club, but I slowly quit all of those things until I was just involved in drama. I didn't even try out for the school play but opted instead for working back stage. I said it was because I didn't like the script and I wanted to give back stage a try, but everyone knew it was because I didn't want to be in a play my dad couldn't watch.
I got an academic award for the first time and I didn't go to the ceremony for the same reason.
My sister had moved to Toronto for school and my Mom had started working for the first time ever so I felt like everything was changing. I was confused and angry about everything and worried a lot about becoming a metaphorical monster.
Yet, despite all of these tough changes, my mother and I were getting closer. I was getting good grades. At school I had started hanging out with a different group of friends at lunch, and I had surprisingly become extremely close to the girl who I had fought so much with in the first two years of high school that, just one year earlier, all our classmates had been really worried when one of our teachers made us sit according to the alphabet because it meant we had to sit together and no one wanted to hear us fight. The changes weren't all bad.
2: I can't remember if I wanted to go to University first (In which case it would be Trent to major in English and minor in History) and then travel across Canada meeting interesting people, hearing their stories, and writing first a collection of short stories about my travels and then a bunch of historical fiction novels, or if I wanted to skip university all together and go straight for being a famous author. If I was in my screw university phase already then I would have hoped that, in five years, I'd be married with kids and we'd be travelling as a family.
3. Well, I am definitely not married with kids and I haven't seen that much of Canada yet and I am no longer planning on being an author. However, I am studying English at Trent (though I am minoring in Canadian Studies not History) and I still plan on a future filled with a career to do with books, travelling, and marriage.
4. I think so, I mean I wasn't completely adverse to university yet when I was 16 and Canadian Studies makes more sense than History and being a Librarian is still pretty cool. I think I would be a little disappointed about how I've given up the dream of writing and because I'm still single.
5. I don't care too much. I want to have food, drink, shelter, family, friends, and a way to love and help others, after that...who cares. However, if I had to pick something I'd say I'd be graduated from my M.L.S. and working in a library and married to a man and talking about when and how and if we want to have kids, but really whatever, I'm gunna just wait and see.
6. Either homeless or living in a suburban home in the GTA with a man I don't even love who wears suits all the time and made me have a fancy wedding. Those two situations are pretty much my worst fears, but who knows future me could very well be content homeless or in the GTA, you never know right?
7. Hmm realistically? I'll probably have food, drink, shelter, family, and friends so in that regards it will all be good. I'll probably be graduated from school and working some sort of job. It would be nice if it has to do with books or kids but maybe it will just be at taco bell. I'll probably still be single but I will be in a church community, have lots of friends, and be no more than a two day road trip away from my family (probably still in Ontario somewhere). I will probably be just as confused about God as I have been since I was 13 and I will probably get really sad and hopeless sometimes too, but when it comes down to it I will probably be happy just as I am now. There will still be beautiful nature to enjoy and fascinating philosophical conversations to contemplate, and it will all be ok.
1: Where were you five years ago?
2: At that time, where did you hope you'd be in five years?
3: Are you anywhere near that place?
4: Do you think that five-years-ago-you would understand and accept where you are now?
5: Where do you want to be in five years?
6: What is the worst place that you could be?
7: Where, realistically speaking, do you think you will actually be?
1: Five years ago I was 16 years old, and not quite half way through my grade elven year.
It had been five months since my father had died and five months since I had last gone to church, although I was still going to the youth group I'd been attending since grade nine which was a bit of a stability record for me.
I was much less involved than I had been the year before. I started the year in drama club, in a book club, on the rowing team, and in the safe schools and social justice club, but I slowly quit all of those things until I was just involved in drama. I didn't even try out for the school play but opted instead for working back stage. I said it was because I didn't like the script and I wanted to give back stage a try, but everyone knew it was because I didn't want to be in a play my dad couldn't watch.
I got an academic award for the first time and I didn't go to the ceremony for the same reason.
My sister had moved to Toronto for school and my Mom had started working for the first time ever so I felt like everything was changing. I was confused and angry about everything and worried a lot about becoming a metaphorical monster.
Yet, despite all of these tough changes, my mother and I were getting closer. I was getting good grades. At school I had started hanging out with a different group of friends at lunch, and I had surprisingly become extremely close to the girl who I had fought so much with in the first two years of high school that, just one year earlier, all our classmates had been really worried when one of our teachers made us sit according to the alphabet because it meant we had to sit together and no one wanted to hear us fight. The changes weren't all bad.
2: I can't remember if I wanted to go to University first (In which case it would be Trent to major in English and minor in History) and then travel across Canada meeting interesting people, hearing their stories, and writing first a collection of short stories about my travels and then a bunch of historical fiction novels, or if I wanted to skip university all together and go straight for being a famous author. If I was in my screw university phase already then I would have hoped that, in five years, I'd be married with kids and we'd be travelling as a family.
3. Well, I am definitely not married with kids and I haven't seen that much of Canada yet and I am no longer planning on being an author. However, I am studying English at Trent (though I am minoring in Canadian Studies not History) and I still plan on a future filled with a career to do with books, travelling, and marriage.
4. I think so, I mean I wasn't completely adverse to university yet when I was 16 and Canadian Studies makes more sense than History and being a Librarian is still pretty cool. I think I would be a little disappointed about how I've given up the dream of writing and because I'm still single.
5. I don't care too much. I want to have food, drink, shelter, family, friends, and a way to love and help others, after that...who cares. However, if I had to pick something I'd say I'd be graduated from my M.L.S. and working in a library and married to a man and talking about when and how and if we want to have kids, but really whatever, I'm gunna just wait and see.
6. Either homeless or living in a suburban home in the GTA with a man I don't even love who wears suits all the time and made me have a fancy wedding. Those two situations are pretty much my worst fears, but who knows future me could very well be content homeless or in the GTA, you never know right?
7. Hmm realistically? I'll probably have food, drink, shelter, family, and friends so in that regards it will all be good. I'll probably be graduated from school and working some sort of job. It would be nice if it has to do with books or kids but maybe it will just be at taco bell. I'll probably still be single but I will be in a church community, have lots of friends, and be no more than a two day road trip away from my family (probably still in Ontario somewhere). I will probably be just as confused about God as I have been since I was 13 and I will probably get really sad and hopeless sometimes too, but when it comes down to it I will probably be happy just as I am now. There will still be beautiful nature to enjoy and fascinating philosophical conversations to contemplate, and it will all be ok.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
Saturday Morning Insecurities.
I am not as musical, or as athletic, or as tidy, or as brave, or as generous, or as good a listener, or as environmental, or as good at cooking, or as good a leader, or as fast a learner as others are.
I am not even as smart, or as good at organizing, or as dedicated, or as analytical, or as knowledgeable, or as good at writing, or as artistic, or as hard a worker, or as good with kids, or as patient, or as kind and caring, or as dramatic as others are.
Yet still I am loved, and forgiven, and I was put here for a purpose.
I am not even as smart, or as good at organizing, or as dedicated, or as analytical, or as knowledgeable, or as good at writing, or as artistic, or as hard a worker, or as good with kids, or as patient, or as kind and caring, or as dramatic as others are.
Yet still I am loved, and forgiven, and I was put here for a purpose.
Friday, 7 December 2012
To Fight or To Give up, That is the Question.
Man, I don't know about you dawg, but I am hellah tired right about now, and it's not just because it is currently exam time. This exhaustion has been slowly growing for many, many years.
I have always been aware of the need for change in myself, others, systems, and just the world in general. For much of my life I have tried to do my best to contribute to this change. I am going to school so that I can educate myself, learn to think critically so that I can minimize the amount of stupid things I do with devastating consequences, and so I can eventually get a job which I am passionate about and which will allow me to use my own personal skills to make the world a little better. I spend a lot of time volunteering or working with children in order to make a positive impact on future generations. I try to treat everyone I meet with as much respect as I can. I try to be positive, at least sometimes, in order to make others smile, and I try to figure out how to make my love for others most effective. I try to be at least somewhat mindful of my environmental footprint. I try to challenge my friends, peers, and family to analyze their thoughts and actions so that we can all do our best to make the world a better place. I try to sow peace and defuse conflict.
I am the first to admit all of my weaknesses. I am very emotional, so I can be extremely negative. I am a really doubting person and I struggle to trust which has affected my huge fear of homelessness which has really hurt my generosity. Basically, I can be a pretty greedy person. I am not nearly as environmentally conscious as I should be and although I enter every relationship with the best of intentions my fears and selfishness often causes me to hurt others rather than help them.
My own failures seem even worse when they are put together with the way things are right now on this here world: war, poverty, disease, death, anger, selfishness, bullying, power plays, an environmental crisis, an epidemic of apathy, etc. It just totally discourages me. I feel so hopeless sometimes.
The question becomes: how do we keep from giving up. Sometimes it seems like only big changes are worth anything, but I feel like slow incremental change is the only way things ever really get better, so we need to make sure we don't give up, we need to keep doing what we can to make this place a little better.
We need to keep fighting.
But what are we fighting?
I can tell you what I think we are fighting...us. I think we are fighting human nature, well - forgive me for getting into the faith I barely understand but...- I don't think we are fighting human nature the way God intended it be but the way we warped it with sin...I guess you could say we are fighting sin, or the devil, or well just that badness that so easily seeps into us and messes us up. I don't really understand it, I just know that it's not all good. There is bad and I think we need to fight it.
The only problem is the fight is too big and it is so darned easy to give up. Where can we get hope from? Where can we get energy from? How can we keep waking up every morning and facing this messed up life?
I was raised a Christian, and no matter how much I have struggled with faith, no matter how often I have tried to pull away from Jesus, He just won't let go. He's real, I know He is, I can't really explain it, but it makes sense to me and I don't know how to believe anything else. As far as I can tell, Christianity teaches that The Holy Spirit enables us to say no to sin and yes to a better way of living. This sounds so beautiful. This is what I want. I want a hope, an inspiration, an energy, an enablement, that will keep me going. Something that will help me wake up and love my neighbour. Sometimes, sometimes I think I get it, sometimes I think I've figured out how to lean on the Lord. Sometimes waking up isn't that hard, sometimes loving feels fairly easy. Other times I just want to die. Sometimes I feel betrayed by all this talk about hope. Sometimes I feel like there is no hope. The pain in the world and the disgustingness in myself is too much for me, there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't know how to depend on God. My friends try to tell me not to give up, they say they can see Him working in my life and changing me slowly. I want to think so too, but I struggle to believe it. All I know is the bad stuff in my mind that they don't see. Everyone tells me I'm not a giver upper and I want to be so inspired and inspiring that I really and truly am not a giver upper. I want to wake up and love others. I want to change into a better me. I want to sing "I will fight in the light till I give my final breath," but then the alarm goes off and my eyes open, I role over and dream of life's endings, what is the answer? How does everyone else just keep on going like that?
I have always been aware of the need for change in myself, others, systems, and just the world in general. For much of my life I have tried to do my best to contribute to this change. I am going to school so that I can educate myself, learn to think critically so that I can minimize the amount of stupid things I do with devastating consequences, and so I can eventually get a job which I am passionate about and which will allow me to use my own personal skills to make the world a little better. I spend a lot of time volunteering or working with children in order to make a positive impact on future generations. I try to treat everyone I meet with as much respect as I can. I try to be positive, at least sometimes, in order to make others smile, and I try to figure out how to make my love for others most effective. I try to be at least somewhat mindful of my environmental footprint. I try to challenge my friends, peers, and family to analyze their thoughts and actions so that we can all do our best to make the world a better place. I try to sow peace and defuse conflict.
I am the first to admit all of my weaknesses. I am very emotional, so I can be extremely negative. I am a really doubting person and I struggle to trust which has affected my huge fear of homelessness which has really hurt my generosity. Basically, I can be a pretty greedy person. I am not nearly as environmentally conscious as I should be and although I enter every relationship with the best of intentions my fears and selfishness often causes me to hurt others rather than help them.
My own failures seem even worse when they are put together with the way things are right now on this here world: war, poverty, disease, death, anger, selfishness, bullying, power plays, an environmental crisis, an epidemic of apathy, etc. It just totally discourages me. I feel so hopeless sometimes.
The question becomes: how do we keep from giving up. Sometimes it seems like only big changes are worth anything, but I feel like slow incremental change is the only way things ever really get better, so we need to make sure we don't give up, we need to keep doing what we can to make this place a little better.
We need to keep fighting.
But what are we fighting?
I can tell you what I think we are fighting...us. I think we are fighting human nature, well - forgive me for getting into the faith I barely understand but...- I don't think we are fighting human nature the way God intended it be but the way we warped it with sin...I guess you could say we are fighting sin, or the devil, or well just that badness that so easily seeps into us and messes us up. I don't really understand it, I just know that it's not all good. There is bad and I think we need to fight it.
The only problem is the fight is too big and it is so darned easy to give up. Where can we get hope from? Where can we get energy from? How can we keep waking up every morning and facing this messed up life?
I was raised a Christian, and no matter how much I have struggled with faith, no matter how often I have tried to pull away from Jesus, He just won't let go. He's real, I know He is, I can't really explain it, but it makes sense to me and I don't know how to believe anything else. As far as I can tell, Christianity teaches that The Holy Spirit enables us to say no to sin and yes to a better way of living. This sounds so beautiful. This is what I want. I want a hope, an inspiration, an energy, an enablement, that will keep me going. Something that will help me wake up and love my neighbour. Sometimes, sometimes I think I get it, sometimes I think I've figured out how to lean on the Lord. Sometimes waking up isn't that hard, sometimes loving feels fairly easy. Other times I just want to die. Sometimes I feel betrayed by all this talk about hope. Sometimes I feel like there is no hope. The pain in the world and the disgustingness in myself is too much for me, there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't know how to depend on God. My friends try to tell me not to give up, they say they can see Him working in my life and changing me slowly. I want to think so too, but I struggle to believe it. All I know is the bad stuff in my mind that they don't see. Everyone tells me I'm not a giver upper and I want to be so inspired and inspiring that I really and truly am not a giver upper. I want to wake up and love others. I want to change into a better me. I want to sing "I will fight in the light till I give my final breath," but then the alarm goes off and my eyes open, I role over and dream of life's endings, what is the answer? How does everyone else just keep on going like that?
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
My own lists for staying and leaving.
I already talked about the blog posts that have inspired my thoughts on churches and also my personal story surrounding the issue. However I just realised that my other post was pretty confusing and random. I just kind of told my life story to no avail. So I figured I would try again to put my thoughts into a more concise manner by falling the suit of those other blogs and make a list of reasons why I have considered leaving a church (any of the numerous churches I've been a part of over the years). I don't have 15, but this is what I have. It should be noted that while some of the things on this list MAY apply to my current church they do not all necessarily apply.
1. Some churches are not supportive communities in terms of helping each other through rough times like how the early church tried to have nobody in need among them.
2. I love spontaneity, to me spontaneity says sincerity and sometimes I feel like worshipping in a church is putting my relationship with Jesus into a box.
3. I really struggle with the process of sanctification. I feel like going to church means I have to be growing and if I'm feeling stagnant everyone's going to judge me. It kind of makes me feel like I'm living out my relationship with Jesus in a fish bowl.
4. I am not a evangelical person. I want to be, because I feel like as much as I struggle with my faith it has changed my life exponentially in many good ways and I want to share that with people, but I'm just not comfortable with that yet because I still have a very polite and respectful mindset in terms of evangelism and I feel like I'm pressured to go too far too fast.
5. Churches tend to be very close minded. Which makes sense because Christianity does teach that there is one universal truth, but I feel that it makes it very difficult for people who are trying to overcome their difficulties with understanding or accepting this truth to talk through this process when everyone else is basically just saying "Well it's in the Bible so deal with it."
Sub genres of close mindedness
6. I struggle with certain teachings in the Bible like how homosexuality is apparently wrong and I feel like going to church means I have to accept all of these beliefs right away and it means I automatically agree with all of these things even if I'm still struggling with it.
7. Some particular churches are very serious about gender issues and very restricting to women which makes me uncomfortable.
In summary I guess you can basically say that church makes me aware of just how broken I am and how slow the process of sanctification is in my life and in comparison with the lives of those around me this makes me super duper nervous. I guess that's really not church's fault, its my fault. I haven't fully given into grace because seeing my brokenness still makes me squirm uncomfortably.
Reasons why I've stayed at church:
1. The people are very supportive at my current church both of my physical needs and my spiritual journey.
2. No matter how slow my journey is and how discouraging it can be sometimes I can't give up on it completely. I am drawn to Jesus and this makes me want to struggle with the things I can't accept or understand. This makes me want to keep returning and never turn my back.
1. Some churches are not supportive communities in terms of helping each other through rough times like how the early church tried to have nobody in need among them.
2. I love spontaneity, to me spontaneity says sincerity and sometimes I feel like worshipping in a church is putting my relationship with Jesus into a box.
3. I really struggle with the process of sanctification. I feel like going to church means I have to be growing and if I'm feeling stagnant everyone's going to judge me. It kind of makes me feel like I'm living out my relationship with Jesus in a fish bowl.
4. I am not a evangelical person. I want to be, because I feel like as much as I struggle with my faith it has changed my life exponentially in many good ways and I want to share that with people, but I'm just not comfortable with that yet because I still have a very polite and respectful mindset in terms of evangelism and I feel like I'm pressured to go too far too fast.
5. Churches tend to be very close minded. Which makes sense because Christianity does teach that there is one universal truth, but I feel that it makes it very difficult for people who are trying to overcome their difficulties with understanding or accepting this truth to talk through this process when everyone else is basically just saying "Well it's in the Bible so deal with it."
Sub genres of close mindedness
6. I struggle with certain teachings in the Bible like how homosexuality is apparently wrong and I feel like going to church means I have to accept all of these beliefs right away and it means I automatically agree with all of these things even if I'm still struggling with it.
7. Some particular churches are very serious about gender issues and very restricting to women which makes me uncomfortable.
In summary I guess you can basically say that church makes me aware of just how broken I am and how slow the process of sanctification is in my life and in comparison with the lives of those around me this makes me super duper nervous. I guess that's really not church's fault, its my fault. I haven't fully given into grace because seeing my brokenness still makes me squirm uncomfortably.
Reasons why I've stayed at church:
1. The people are very supportive at my current church both of my physical needs and my spiritual journey.
2. No matter how slow my journey is and how discouraging it can be sometimes I can't give up on it completely. I am drawn to Jesus and this makes me want to struggle with the things I can't accept or understand. This makes me want to keep returning and never turn my back.
Goodbye Church?
I Stumbled upon some blog posts today that I really feel like sharing and then adding my own voice to.
http://marccortez.com/2011/06/14/why-we-didnt-divorce-our-church-even-though-we-wanted-to/
(For this /\ I read all three of the articles he links to, they are short and oh so fascinating)
http://marccortez.com/2011/06/14/why-we-didnt-divorce-our-church-even-though-we-wanted-to/
They are about leaving church, which is something I am very, very familiar with.
I just want to get some stuff off my chest and basically just tell my story.
I have been leaving churches since I was ten years old.
Both of my parents were heavily involved in church "leadership" and "ministry."
We went to church twice on Sundays and also on Wednesday evenings.
It seemed to completely define our lives.
...That is, until I was ten years old and my parents decided to leave the church because they felt that it was too preoccupied with issues of image instead of being focused on the love of Jesus.
We went to another church for three months but left because that church was trying to scare people into faith with end times theology. I remember one Sunday, watching a women cry on my mother's shoulder because she was worried the world would end before she could figure out how to set things right with Jesus.
After that we started a home church. That was pretty awesome because sincerity is always very obvious when it is positioned within spontaneity. When there is no routine of worship and people are still singing praise songs for Jesus, holding prayer meetings, and talking about the Bible it becomes obvious that they are not doing these things because it is all they know and they are afraid to leave behind tradition and routine, but because God is real and they have an intense desire to embrace a life lived with Him.
At least this is how that home church impacted my own life. Before then, I had just accepted God and church and prayer and the Bible. I didn't ask too many questions about it all because I was so busy questioning the rest of life, I was only 11 after all and there was a lot to think about.
However this home church made God seem real and I kept thinking about how I wanted to know him better.
Good intentions went rotten though and that church lost its focus on God. It became about drinking and eating and hanging out and my parents stopped going.
I was 13 years old by this time and I had questions and curiosities that my parents alone could not satisfactorily answer, so I started going to different churches and youth groups all by myself. At the same time I started going to public school for the first time (before that I had been homeschooled). Those who know me well will not be surprised that my eccentricities were not welcomed by most of my peers. I finally found acceptance in a group of agnostic, intellectual students who procrastinated their work and spent most of their times doing drugs, but they were the smartest most loving people I had ever met. They accepted me despite my beliefs and didn't ask me to change my values or my life style so I didn't press the issue either, but the more I hung out with them the more questions I had about my own faith. These questions were not welcomed at my youth group. I was known as a rebellious frustration and a pointless instigator, they somehow glossed over my sincere confusion. The worst thing was that when my Dad died no one supported me. Angry with things that didn't make sense and disappointed by people who didn't love me I cut all ties with church and youth group by the time I was 17 and I didn't go to church at all for two years.
Then I had this moment in a field after getting in a huge fight with a family member. I ran outside balling and hating myself. Then all of a sudden I felt like really loved, but no one was in the field, so it must have been God. I realized that if grace meant I was forgiven then it meant all the church people who had hurt me were forgiven too. It's like the blog posts I started with were saying about how churches are broken because they are full of broken people. In that moment I started to forgive, but man was I still scared to go to church.
I was moving to school in half a year and I found myself wondering if I should find a church or not, I decided not to because I didn't want to deal with people telling me what to do and what to think, I wanted to be free to struggle through my own journey of confusion. I wanted my growth to be my own rather than just me learning to repeat what others told me was true. However, life is surprising at times and after going to the church that meets on my campus just once so I could find out who the Christians were in order to avoid them I made friends with people who kept bringing me back. The articles I posted at first talk about why people leave and why they stay. In the past 11 years I have left 5 churches.
Other than the first church which I stayed in for ten years, the longest time I have gone to a church is the approximate two years for which my family attended the home church. That's also about how long I have been going to my church here at school. Every year I tell my friends I'm going to leave. One of those blogs said that churches are broken because they are full of broken people and I agree with that, but its hard to keep going when everyone forgets the truth in a different way and is hurtful in a different way and messes up in a different way. You're never going to find a perfect church because that would mean a perfect group of people, but I think it is really important to have these conversations and to acknowledge the struggles that people in the church are dealing with and the failures of the church. This conversation is important because nothing can get better if you do not acknowledge what is broken.
http://marccortez.com/2011/06/14/why-we-didnt-divorce-our-church-even-though-we-wanted-to/
(For this /\ I read all three of the articles he links to, they are short and oh so fascinating)
http://marccortez.com/2011/06/14/why-we-didnt-divorce-our-church-even-though-we-wanted-to/
They are about leaving church, which is something I am very, very familiar with.
I just want to get some stuff off my chest and basically just tell my story.
I have been leaving churches since I was ten years old.
Both of my parents were heavily involved in church "leadership" and "ministry."
We went to church twice on Sundays and also on Wednesday evenings.
It seemed to completely define our lives.
...That is, until I was ten years old and my parents decided to leave the church because they felt that it was too preoccupied with issues of image instead of being focused on the love of Jesus.
We went to another church for three months but left because that church was trying to scare people into faith with end times theology. I remember one Sunday, watching a women cry on my mother's shoulder because she was worried the world would end before she could figure out how to set things right with Jesus.
After that we started a home church. That was pretty awesome because sincerity is always very obvious when it is positioned within spontaneity. When there is no routine of worship and people are still singing praise songs for Jesus, holding prayer meetings, and talking about the Bible it becomes obvious that they are not doing these things because it is all they know and they are afraid to leave behind tradition and routine, but because God is real and they have an intense desire to embrace a life lived with Him.
At least this is how that home church impacted my own life. Before then, I had just accepted God and church and prayer and the Bible. I didn't ask too many questions about it all because I was so busy questioning the rest of life, I was only 11 after all and there was a lot to think about.
However this home church made God seem real and I kept thinking about how I wanted to know him better.
Good intentions went rotten though and that church lost its focus on God. It became about drinking and eating and hanging out and my parents stopped going.
I was 13 years old by this time and I had questions and curiosities that my parents alone could not satisfactorily answer, so I started going to different churches and youth groups all by myself. At the same time I started going to public school for the first time (before that I had been homeschooled). Those who know me well will not be surprised that my eccentricities were not welcomed by most of my peers. I finally found acceptance in a group of agnostic, intellectual students who procrastinated their work and spent most of their times doing drugs, but they were the smartest most loving people I had ever met. They accepted me despite my beliefs and didn't ask me to change my values or my life style so I didn't press the issue either, but the more I hung out with them the more questions I had about my own faith. These questions were not welcomed at my youth group. I was known as a rebellious frustration and a pointless instigator, they somehow glossed over my sincere confusion. The worst thing was that when my Dad died no one supported me. Angry with things that didn't make sense and disappointed by people who didn't love me I cut all ties with church and youth group by the time I was 17 and I didn't go to church at all for two years.
Then I had this moment in a field after getting in a huge fight with a family member. I ran outside balling and hating myself. Then all of a sudden I felt like really loved, but no one was in the field, so it must have been God. I realized that if grace meant I was forgiven then it meant all the church people who had hurt me were forgiven too. It's like the blog posts I started with were saying about how churches are broken because they are full of broken people. In that moment I started to forgive, but man was I still scared to go to church.
I was moving to school in half a year and I found myself wondering if I should find a church or not, I decided not to because I didn't want to deal with people telling me what to do and what to think, I wanted to be free to struggle through my own journey of confusion. I wanted my growth to be my own rather than just me learning to repeat what others told me was true. However, life is surprising at times and after going to the church that meets on my campus just once so I could find out who the Christians were in order to avoid them I made friends with people who kept bringing me back. The articles I posted at first talk about why people leave and why they stay. In the past 11 years I have left 5 churches.
Other than the first church which I stayed in for ten years, the longest time I have gone to a church is the approximate two years for which my family attended the home church. That's also about how long I have been going to my church here at school. Every year I tell my friends I'm going to leave. One of those blogs said that churches are broken because they are full of broken people and I agree with that, but its hard to keep going when everyone forgets the truth in a different way and is hurtful in a different way and messes up in a different way. You're never going to find a perfect church because that would mean a perfect group of people, but I think it is really important to have these conversations and to acknowledge the struggles that people in the church are dealing with and the failures of the church. This conversation is important because nothing can get better if you do not acknowledge what is broken.
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