"There is nothing I hold on to"

Today I was listening to a worship song that contains the line "there's nothing I hold on to." It caused me to stop and think for a minute. I have always been troubled by the concept of giving everything over to Jesus because I have felt like I can't do that.

 So often in my life, I have found that the things that I know will hurt myself and my friends in the long run (sins if you will) just seem so good in the moment that I don't know how to turn away, and when I fail to turn away I feel nothing but shame. Over and over I find myself thinking, "well, I've messed up again, whats the point of continuing on? I'm just a failure."

I struggle to say "Lord, I'm not going to hold on to my mistakes and let them get in the way of recieving Your love for me. I admit them to You, I surrender to You, and, enabled by Your Spirit, I will turn away from them, for now I want Your will to be done in my life."

Oh I say it, and I try to walk in it, but it's hard you know? I stumble so much, I think we all do, its just another part of this being human thing that makes it necessary to fight agains the evil inside of us all. (A fight that I believe I can only win when I am on His side.)

I have been encouraged by how God forgives me every time, and is working in my heart to enable me to be more like the one I was made to be.

His love inspires me to let go of my sin, instead of holding on to it as an excuse for why I must be the exception to His grace.

However, it is more than just sin that I have been holding onto.

In the circles that I travel in, a lot of my friends are really bothered by the lies of the so called "prosperity gospel" which teaches that, because God loves us, faith in Him means forever happiness and even physical health and wealth.

Clearly this is not true. Every single day I see Christians struggling with everybody else under the weight of illness, death, conflict, and poverty.

I don't have to hold onto my griefs. They can be dehabilitating, for my griefs are great, but oh my God is greater.

However, I am learning that this doesn't necessarily mean that everything is going to be the kind of ok that I innitially want it to be.

My faith teaches me that all these crappy things are just a reality of the messed up world that we are living in.

However, as a Christian, I truly believe that it gets better. For me, heaven is not just a happy bow to tie up the confusion of death, for I believe it is real.

I believe it is a place free of these sorrows, and that it is way more amazing than I can imagine. 

It is partly this hope that allows me to let go of my griefs.

I want to confess a secret: I love this earth.

Sometimes I worry that I love it a little too much more than I should as a Christian.

Yeah, it is broken. Even my non Christian actavist friends can see that this place is twisted. I've talked about it before: racism, ageism, sexism, poverty, war, classism, and hatred. Sometimes my heart wants to break because there are people all over this earth who are starving and depressed.

And yet, I can see beauty, within all of this sadness there are hugs and there is laughter and babies and birds and sunrises and something inside of me leaps with joy...

But heaven is better?

I don't pretend to know what it will be like, but I think it will be better because all the bad stuff will be over.

I'll be honest with you, inspite of the heartache I sometimes want to cling to to art, to literature, to music, and to nature, because I see beauty in them, and I want to cling to my family and friends because I love them, but...

"There is nothing I hold on to."

I could be wrong, but I think this is about finding my joy, peace, and contenment in God instead of in my own awesomeness or good surroundings.

Holding on to nothing but Jesus seems to mean letting go of my mistakes and grief and exchanging it for forgiveness, hope, and love.

However, it also seems to mean saying that all the good things on the earth are gifts from God that I don't deserve, and that He can take away.

This bothered me.

I mean if I see them as gifts I can still be thankful for them and enjoy them, but it means I need to abstain from holding on to these things as though they are my reason for living.

Ever since my father died, I have lived in fear of my mother's death.

What would I do? She is my advisor, my understanding listening ear, my friend, and my mother. I love her, and sometimes I feel like I need her to survive.

As I grapple with what it means to "give it all to You God," I realize that if my mother died I would be ok, because God is all I need. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy the gifts He gives, but I am not dependant on them.

This has always been such a hard concept for me.

Maybe it shows a immaturity in my concept of love. I seem to still be loving with the mind of a child who recieves the milk she feels she needs from the mother she is dependant on and responds with the thankfulness of love.

I am still thankful for my mum, but I am not dependant on anyone but God.

Yeah, God uses people to take care of other people, but I think it is fluid and flexible and in the end I need the Gardener not the fruit trees.

This concept has always bothered me. I need the things I  love I scream, but I'm learning the beauty in being dependent only on God, it is freeing really. This world is messed up, so the idea of finding peace withing that mess instead of waiting for it to be over to find joy is a truly exiting one for me. You could take everything away from me. You could kill my family, and my friends, you could steal the money that buys my food, education, clothing, and rent, and still I would be ok.

Not "happy" exactly, but at peace.

This life is a storm, wouldn't you love to have confidence that soon it will be over and in the mean time know that you are loved and forgiven?

I still find it a struggle to say "there is nothing I hold on to" and to let go of my sin, my grief, and the things I love, and for my peace to be rooted in the love and forgiveness of my Father in heaven and the hope of future glory.

"I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of The Maker of Heaven"

(All lyrics are from the song "Nothing I Hold On To by United Pursuit)

ARagTagHooligan