Identity Crisis

BACK STORY:

The first ten years of my life were hard in the normal ways, yet still lovely beyond all imagination because no matter how much I got bullied by the silly neighbourhood children I felt secure in my identity which was based in my family, our faith, our church, and our friends.

By the time I was 14 we had left church and moved. I had lost touch with my childhood friends. My doubt was growing larger.

When I started public school (before grade nine I had been homeschooled) I failed at making friends. I wasn't the prettiest, the most popular, or the most athletic. I wasn't even the most artistic and though I did eventually find a role in the drama crew I was never truly sure if I belonged.

Half way through school my father died and it felt like my family was crumbling.

That was the last straw.

I was not secure in my family, my friends, or my faith.

The only thing I had left was school.

In university I have learned that getting a 90 average in highschool is not a big deal, but my school was mostly populated by druggies and teen moms so I ended up with the best grade of my entire graduating class.

I didn't get these grades because I was smart but because I had no life so I did nothing but school.

I told myself that I was a hardworker.

It was the only thing I really liked about myself and I clung to it. This was my identity.

I also used to love school. Yeah, it has always been stressful, but it was interesting and I was good at it.

I took a year off after highschool and I felt like I had lost everything.

I didn't know what the point of life was without school to focus on.

I realised that I loved learning and I loved the subject of literature, so I went back to the arms of academia.

EVERYTHING IS CHANGING:
At first I struggeled a little with university but still I always enjoyed it. It was stressful, but more so because I was dealing with it on top of other things then just because it was stressful.

I didn't get the most amazing marks, but I did alright and still kept fairly on top of things.

As time has gone on I have got worse at organizing my time and coming up with things to say and my grades have started slipping.

I am no longer anything above slightly mediocre.

I get 70s and I finish things on the same day they are due.

Meanwhile: My faith in Jesus is growing stronger and it is becoming the most important part of my life. My relationship with Him has become a determining factor of everything I do. My life has become all about loving Him, growing in my understanding of Him, and reacting to that understanding by loving others. My time is spent at church, small group, volunteering, or hanging out with friends who need me and who I love. All of these things are taking the place of school as the most important thing in my life and it scares me because the only way I usued to be able to keep from hating myself was by saying "Hey, I work hard at school, I'm not a bad person." I can't do that anymore. I don't work hard. I'm becoming a slacker because school isn't fun for me any more because it doesn't seem to matter and I can't relate it to any other part of my life.

I really and truly have to love myself only because Jesus loves me and is changing me because that is all I have anymore and that is all I am, but it is scary because I know who I was much more than I know who I am.

ARagTagHooligan