2014

       2014 had a lot of hard parts for me and not near as much fun, adventurous, traveling as the last three years. In 2011 I went to Ottawa for a week and then spent six weeks in a small Cree village in Northern Quebec. In 2012 I went on a really long bus adventure to visit a friend of mine who was living in a small town North of Lake Superior. I lived in Quebec for five weeks in the Spring of 2013 while going to school to learn French, and then I went on two road trips for weddings during the summer. I did go to three weddings this year, but two of them were  right in my current city. One wedding was an hour or two away from my Mom's house. No buses went there so she had to rent a car to take me. That was kind of a fun adventure, but then my friend drove me back to the city where I live which is three hours away from my Mom's city and it was snowing really bad and I thought we were going to die, but we didn't so that's good.

       Another reason why 2013 was a lot more exciting than 2014 was that my nephew was born, but - to be honest - he just gets more and more exciting as he gets older. I am excited to hopefully move to his city so I can see him more often.

       One super exciting thing did happen this year: I graduated. This made me happy for a couple reasons. It is kind of nice not to have to do homework anymore, and to know that I was capable of that success. However, it is kind of sad not to have any more school. I really enjoyed it. It is also stressful, because although I am passionate about the subject of my degree and enjoyed the process, it isn't very useful so I had to go through this big long period of not knowing what to do next. Things are OK now. I have a job that I like and a plan to go back to school for a couple of years to get a better job that I will also like, perhaps even more than the one I have now. I am nervous to enact this plan, but excited too. Anyways, finding the job, and developing the plan was stressful, and graduating was bitter sweet but I loved my actual graduation day. Most people say the ceremony is superficial and boring. But I really enjoy ceremony. I think we need to take time to acknowledge that important things have happened. Anyways, my ceremony was the highlight of my year. I've been to other ceremonies with really boring speeches, but mine was pretty interesting and relatable . The best part, though, was that I had friends and family there. I didn't think anyone was going to come, but people did and that meant a BUNCH to me. Plus my mom, sister, and nephew came down for a couple days and it was kind of like a family vacation.

      I'm nervous about 2015, because so much is going to be changing. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

I am Weak

I have been getting better at dealing with my fear, despair, and self hatred. I lecture myself. All the time. I remind myself of everything and everyone that I have to be thankful for. I tell myself that the things I worry about probably won't happen. I tell myself that if they do happen it won't be the end and I'll figure out how to deal with it. I often brain storm solutions to worse case scenarios to show myself there is nothing to worry about. I remind myself that I am forgiven. I've actually gotten pretty good at that one. This is a very big deal for me. Sometimes, I still get mad at myself. Like this week I forgot that I had volunteered to help cook Christmas dinner for the kids at the youth centre where I volunteer. So I was late to the place that is sort of kind of not really my church now to help cook and I hit myself in the head pretty hard and swore out loud when I realised I'd forgotten and would be late, but such is life. There are a lot of things every day to remind myself that I am forgiven for. It makes sense that sometimes I will forget and still feel the old twinges of guilt and self hatred, but this is definitely one area where I feel like I am getting better. Even the last couple days I've been really worried and sad about something semi stupid and none of my friends or family see it as something worthy of this much upset, and out of love for me they want me to see reality the way they see it so that I can be free from pain, which makes sense. I keep telling people that I want them to just let me be sad, and just tell me it is too bad that I feel that way rather than trying to get me to be ok. This is really hard for people, no one really seems to know how to do this and it is the source of many fights for me which sucks because these people I am so mad at having nothing but love for me. Thankfully, though, this time around I've managed not to be too mad at myself for not fighting myself all the time. Fighting fear and despair is a super exhausting process that I engage in a lot, but am not always capable of. Sometimes when I give into fear and despair and allow myself to be carried away on their powerful waves I worry that everyone will be mad at me and perhaps lose their patience and abandon me. I wonder if they have good reason to do so. I wonder if, maybe, I am just letting myself fall into darkness from time to time to get attention and be reminded that I'm loved. Which I don't think is true because most people who love me do not just remind me at these times that they love me for they are almost much more focused on reminding me that I need to fight which just puts a lot of pressure on me and increases my fear and despair. Anyways, even if it were about that I don't think that is something worth hating myself over, the desire for love is a legit one. As someone who works a lot with children and youth I've learned that kids who act out or invent tragedies to get attention need you to give them attention for positive things and in positive situations to help them build better habits, rather than simply being lectured for their unhealthy patterns. I am sorry, I have been rambling, but there is something I'm trying to get at: maybe sometimes we need to be allowed to be weak. The thing is that I am not always capable of fighting my fear and despair. I am not going to stop trying and I appreciate that you want to encourage me not to stop, I know that means you love me. But I sometimes need to be allowed to be weak. Like a little kid who is overwhelmed by how big and scary the universe is, but finds comfort in knowing their parent is in control so they are allowed to not have to solve everything and have the privilege of just being scared while their parent fights off all the invisible boogiemen under the bed. If I can get all religious for a second, what I love about Christianity is it says that we are not superhuman and cannot wake up and just be ok, but we can find peace in knowing we are weak but God is strong, so please stop heaping expectation upon my head. I am trying to trust God and not give into fear and despair, but I want to be allowed, if not to be scared and sad than to be weak, because I am weak. If you are feeling upset because you are powerless to help me, know that I have as little power as you do. Thank you.

Metaphorical Crutches: Not Being Ashamed of my Mental/ Emotional Health Strategies

I have been thinking about the metaphor of the crutch. People talk about crutches as if they are something bad. If something is someone's crutch it's a thing that they cling to in order to avoid the responsibility of independence, but the thing is that we aren't independent. We are interdependent. We are all messed up and need help, but we have different problems and different gifts and we can lean on each other and help each other out. Crutches don't keep an injured man injured forever, they help him be able to keep waking even while his injury is still healing!

I have been thinking about the comparison between depression and cancer. This is a useful comparison to show people that things that eat away at us on a mental and emotional level are just as real and serious as physical illnesses. We cannot wake up and overpower the darkness inside of us armed only with positive thinking and sheer will power any more than a cancer patient could.

However, many of us do not struggle with mental and emotional problems resembling cancer, but more like something resembling diabetes or some other illness that probably won't kill me (if I deal with it properly), but may never go away. Just as people with long term injuries, illnesses, and people born with different abilities (like blindness or deafness) require different tools and different life strategies, many people are not in danger of suicide or completely giving up but every day they have to figure out how to live with self hatred, anxiety, and sadness.

I was thinking about this today because one thing I have to live with is that I get overwhelmed really easily. If I have too much on my plate (too many thoughts in my head) it can lead to an intense anxiety. One tool I have used forever is talking to my mom. To get all my thoughts out of my head and not just on paper but actually given to someone else who can help me work through them helps me let go of each little thing which relieves the big ball of anxiety that is created when all the little things add up. Because of this, I literally talk to my mom for hours everyday about every little thing. Sometimes I worry that this means I'm not a good adult and anyways, what am I going to do when my mom dies? My mom (practical as ever) said I'll just have to find someone else to talk to when she dies because that is a strategy that works for me, and I realised that I don't have to be ashamed of this crutch because I need it to be able to walk through my everyday life, so as long as I haven't fallen into a heap on the floor its all good. So figure out what works for you and don't be ashamed if you don't do things the way others do!

Why I Hate Essentially Everything Ever Written to Single Christians

There are so many things that I see on a daily basis that are directed towards single Christians that just make me groan. The interesting thing is that they make me groan for quite a variety of different reasons. Sometimes I will see two posts that almost contradict each other and yet both of them make me mad. I am trying to respect my single friends who have views that differ from mine. We are all stumbling along through life trying to figure it out and that’s cool, but I do want to share my perspective while admitting that I could be wrong. First I would like to talk about the phrase “Date when you are ready, not when you are lonely.” Being lonely is a legitimate problem! God created Eve because “It is not good that the man should be alone.” Christians always say that God loves us and we should value Him more than some other human, which is true, and yet Adam had God and God still gave him a partner. Yes, I hope that all my single friends will be able to find joy and peace though they are alone, but I don’t want them to feel like they are a horrible person for feeling lonely. That is a legitimate feeling. Also what the heck does it mean to be ready for a relationship? I hate this idea that we have to sit around and become perfect for our future spouse for two reasons. The first is that no one is perfect, even married people; I know this for a fact, because I have married relatives and friends. Yes, there are some tools we need to start a lifelong relationship and sometimes I am glad I am not in a relationship because I don’t have certain tools like trust and communication, but people in relationships are going to be growing and learning their whole lives just like the rest of us. The other reason that I hate this idea of waiting around perfecting myself for some dude is that it makes it seem like my life has no value until I am married and everything I am doing now is only valuable if it is preparation for the future. That’s dumb. I have value as an individual and I am doing things for others or myself that have nothing to do with some random dude I may or may not marry some day, but these things still matter. Even my growth has purpose outside of a future marriage. Will a future husband benefit from any maturing I do now? Yes, but myself and my friends and strangers on the street will also benefit from it and the difference is that we are benefiting from it now not in some magical tomorrow land. That is why I hate the tradition of talking about and writing to a future spouse. For one thing you don’t even know if they exist. You might be writing to a fictional character, and I mean there is nothing wrong with that, in fact maybe I’ll go write Anne of Green Gables a letter, but I don’t want to spend my entire life obsessing over someone who doesn’t exist. I do love that people who do this kind of stuff are acknowledging that it is not wrong to admit you are lonely and want a future spouse, but I want you to know the joys of right now! Good food and drink, friends and family, pets, nature, working hard, a child holding your hand! There are so many things that bring joy other than just romance. This is something I hate about the culture even outside of the church. I want more movies, songs, and books about something other than romance. Ok that’s it. My rant is over.