Letters to myself

What I wish I could have said to myself at a variety of different life stages:

To Laurissa before age 9: Don't tell the older Laurissas but you are my favourite. I love your imagination, your energy, your curiosity, your zest for life. Stop crying so much though, like seriously, also stop stomping and getting mad, use your words to figure things out and don't take things so seriously, none of this is the end of the world, your life is great, enjoy it. Also I can't remember at what age you learned that having fun losing makes life easier but its the best lesson you ever learned so learn it faster it will make your life a beautiful place. Also, stop asking your Dad questions, it would save so many fights if you just realised that your mom is the one with the patience for all of your questions. Don't be mad at your Dad either, it takes him 15 years but he finally comes around to realise why you ask so many questions. These are actually some of your best years with your dad: fishing, biking, going to yard sales, or out for a snack. I know you wish you had more friends, but you have something even more beautiful, please cherish it.

To Laurissa from about age 9 to about age 13: I get it, you're lonely and everyone thinks you're weird. Listen, years later you are going to be proud to say that when you were 12 you spent most of your time contemplating the meaning of life. You are weird, own it, it makes you rad. Friends will come in time.

To Grade 9 Laurissa: You are the sort of person that it takes a lot of people time to get used to and to realise that they love you. Right now it feels like everyone hates you and you are wondering if you should believe them. Don't waste your time, they'll get over it soon enough, just be patient, and spend you're time trying to grow because it might help people hate you less if you calm the heck down. This is one thing it seems like you aint ever gunna learn, but grades don't really mean that much, so relax, although, I am proud of your hard work, good job.

To Grade 10 Laurissa: In less than a year you are going to lose your dad, don't you think that's more important that wasting your time liking this boy or that boy and worrying about grades and stuff? I know you're having trouble with this growing up thing and you already feel like you're losing your dad because you are growing up and drifting apart and that is totally fine and normal and ok, but the only problem is that you are never going to have the chance to drift back together again as you age so please don't bother with that stupid "boy friend" just hang out with your dad some more ok?

To Grade 11 Laurissa: Right now is one of the lowest points in your life. I get it. I understand, I've been there. You feel like you are alone, like no one in the whole wide world gives a flying shit and that is a valid emotion, but the thing is that people do give a shit, they just give it in their own crazy way and they are all going through their own problems and there is a sort of beauty in this picture of messed up people trying to love each other. Right now you don't see the beauty you just see the pain, and that is ok, but the beauty is there and so is the love. Also, I know you feel guilty, really, really guilty. You hate to see your mom unhappy in a job she hates. You hate knowing that you are not the only one who was affected by this tragedy. You hate seeing the people you love hurt so much and not knowing how to help them.  Most of all, you hate that your pain hurts so much that you can't always force yourself to think first of your family. You feel selfish and you hate that. You hate that you hate coming home to an empty house because you think it means you aren't a supportive daughter. Please just forgive yourself. You are going to feel so many different things this year and it is all normal. Also I know you feel like your family fell apart, but it didn't, it is a lot stronger than you think it is and so are you. It is going to be ok.

To Grade 12 Laurissa: You are not over it, and no one expects you to be over it, so why don't you just get real with yourself? Also please be careful. This is around the time that your anger starts costing you friendships, it would be so much easier if you could just deal with your insides before they seeped outside, but then again most of learning comes from mistakes so c'est la vie, also you know how you don't know what to do with your life? Don't worry about it, the answer doesn't come through a well thought out pros and cons list but from the heat of a moment. Relax.

To Laurissa in that random year after highschool: This is a hard year, you feel useless, but you learn a lot of great lessons and you are going to be ok. Pro tip, get off the freaking internet bro! There is a whole world out there for you to explore. Also I'm really proud of you.

To  University Laurissa: Gird your metaphorical loins, this is going to be a strange four years. I know you think that you are going to fail. Unfortunately you never do stop thinking that, but fortunately you never do fail, so I wish you could learn to relax. You don't even realise it, not really, but you are waiting for a good moment that will last forever so you can get comfortable and really start enjoying your life. It's not coming. You need to stop being so worried about the future. You are wasting your time trying to solve all the problems before they happen. Planning isn't really that useful. You just need to relax because it is not the beginnings or the middles or then ends that are lovely and it is no one year or set of years, it is the moments. And in these four years you will have billions of beautiful moments. I wish you could learn to cherish them without being afraid of what comes next. I wish that you could learn to trust people. I know you aren't that big on people since your dad died and you've had such trouble with friendships. It never really gets easy, but it does get beautiful, there are amazing people out there and they want to be your friend, please relax long enough to let them. Also don't worry too much about what you know or believe, you are never going to answer all the questions. This is not a race to see who can figure everything out first. You will never have it all under control. Relax. Slow down. Enjoy yourself as you go.

To present Laurissa: this is for you, all of it, all of these are lessons you still need to learn and re learn, and there is no shame in that. You will be learning and unlearning and relearning until the day you die.