An angry letter to christians about pain

       To all my fellow Christians, there is something I wish you would stop doing. Please stop being "preachy" to sad people. I heard a story today that BROKE my heart. I don't want to get into the specifics but there was this woman who was going through some intensely bad times and she said something to someone about deserving a break to which they responded by saying she wouldn't want to get what she deserves because that is Hell and the whole point of Christianity is getting what you don't deserve. TECHNICALLY if you are a Christian then I guess you believe that is true, but there is NO WAY that it is an appropriate response.

      What makes me extremely angry about Christianity is that so often Christians try to tie everything up way too neatly. If university taught me anything, it taught me that the world is complicated. Things are not simple and complicated questions need complicated answers. Some aspects of Christianity make some aspects of reality way too simple. In a way, it is what I like about it. I like that it provides some meaning and logic to the way things are. There is something comforting about being able to say that things suck because evil exists, but that good is stronger and will one day win out over bad.

     What makes me mad is when people refuse to acknowledge the messed up in between time. IF we say, for arguments sake, that Christianity is true, THEN Christians are ok in an eternal sort of way, but they are not necessarily ok for NOW because for now we are all stuck on a messed up earth full of messed up people and natural disasters where we ourselves are still not perfect. Life sucks. You don't need to tell me that. I have friends who are straight up orphans, who battle addictions of all sorts, who live with anxiety, depression, mental illness, anorexia, or cancer. I know that life is not always wonderful. I also believe that there is big picture hope, but - though my big picture hope gives me strength to persevere THROUGH shitty reality - this hope does not make me happy.

     I cannot STAND people who do not acknowledge the shitty reality. I have either experienced or heard of way too many instances of Christians saying things like "this is what we deserve" or "it could be worse" or "everything happens for a reason" or "don't be self centered, other people have it worse" of  "count your blessings" of "you don't have a real reason to be sad" or  "God works in mysterious ways"

     You have no idea how badly I want to scream "FUCK OFF" I restrain myself because soooo often these people mean well. They cling to a belief system to make sense of a messed up universe. I do that too, but I acknowledge that my belief system can only explain so much, and that just because something makes sense does not mean it is beautiful. There is evil. You can explain it by saying we brought it upon ourselves and deserve more evil and do not deserve the beautiful ending we could get where evil is vanquished and good reigns, but even all this does not make the evil that is here and now go away.

    Another thing I hate is when people say "You're not God and you can't or don't deserve to understand all he does." That may be true but I don't know anyone who has been through real shit who is just going to sit back and not be sad or mad when bad crap happens. Did you know that the bible also says that you should mourn with those who mourn? So the next time you try to cheer someone up by saying something that basically amounts to "you should shut up because you don't have a right to be sad" remember that no matter how much you can explain the way things are all your theoretical ideas do not take away the reality of their pain. Pain does not need reason. Pain needs kindness.

Why I think Christianity is a Beautiful Story

       I realised yesterday when I was talking about how Christianity is the better story that I never really talk about why I love Jesus. There was this one time that I wrote about how Christianity gives me hope.(http://aragtaghooligan.blogspot.ca/2012/11/i-shall-hope.html) Hope is definitely a huge reason why I love Jesus. However, other than that, I mostly only write about why I dislike church, the questions I have, and the new ways of thinking about it all that I experiment with. This is not because I don't love Jesus. I spend so much time grappling with my confusions surrounding my faith BECAUSE I am so emotionally invested in it, if I didn't love something about it I would have given up on it all a long time ago. I decided to talk today about what I love about my beliefs. I should note, though, that since this is coming from me it is not a theologically correct statement of what Christians believe and why, its just the awkward ranting of one messed up believer who wants to remember all the reasons that she loves what she believes.

      One of the things that I have come to absolutely love about my faith is the complexity of it. I used to hate that. I wanted something super simple and easy to understand, but that was way back in the day before I came to university. I have since learned that reality is super complicated. Sometimes I wonder if Christianity was just constructed by humans so we would have answers to the tough questions. If it was, I applaud the humans who invented it because it is complicated and I love that because I feel we need complicated answers to respond to complicated questions and realities. I mean, Christianity can be simplified, and there are aspects to it that are beautiful in their simplicity, but I love that it is also something you can keep contemplating and (hopefully) constantly be coming to a better understanding of it on into forever.

     The complexity is something I love about The Bible as well as the faith in general. I also love the literary diversity of The Bible. There are poems, letters, and stories. There is love, war, and adventure. It really is a great book. It is very literary with tons of foreshadowing and symbolism and passages that truly come alive if you read them closely. I love how all of these different stories, styles, books, and chapters come together to tell one great story. There was a God who made a people who He loved dearly. They left Him, and brought evil to all He had so lovingly created and they needed to be punished, but He never stopped loving them and in one great climactic ending the great God came down as a mere human and took their punishment upon Himself leaving them with a helper to aid them as they tried to figure out how to stumble along in His footsteps and tell others about this great mysterious one after He had left and while they await His return. From a purely emotional and/ or literary view point is that not a fantastic story?

       I love that Christianity helps things to make sense. Evil is here because of sin, but there is justice in punishment for those who follow the path of evil. That is pretty much every old medieval story. To make sense of the world we have good and evil and to keep up hope we have evil punished. What makes Christianity even more beautiful is that it goes beyond that by saying that we can also have evil RENEWED! That is probably my favourite thing about Christianity. I know that I have a bad side, most people I know do, after all, none of us are perfect. I love the idea that we can be both forgiven, and renewed. It is the most beautiful thing to me and that is why I think Christianity is the better story.

Wanting to Believe What is Beautiful

 NOTE: I start out talking about Life of Pi, but I am actually talking about God. If you are not that into literature please still read to the end because I'm going somewhere with this.

     Last night I wrote my can lit exam and part of it required us to write a 4 paragraph response on Life of Pi. I wrote about a conversation which took place near the end of the book between Pi and the two Japanese men. They wanted to know which of the two stories he told was true, but, instead of answering, he asked them which was the better story. They both agreed that the better story was the one with Richard Parker, the tiger, and he responded "and so it goes with God." This is really interesting because, at the very beginning, the story says that it will "make you believe in God," but it never once tries to prove that God exists just as it never tries to prove that one story or the other is true.

       In fact, Pi is not concerned with reason, logic, or truth at all. He is concerned with faith. He notices faith in his Hindu, Muslim, Christian, and Atheist friends but criticizes Agnostics for their "dry yeastless factuality." Two things are shown in this book to encourage faith in both the story with Richard Parker and in God. The first is that their beauty is shown. The beauty of the story with Richard Parker in it can be seen in that the two men choose it as the better story. The beauty of God is show in the beginning section of the novel where Pi explains his reasons for choosing each of the three religions he supports and describes the aspects that he finds beautiful about each religion and each God. The second thing that Pi does to encourage faith is that he shows the usefulness of Richard Parker and of God. It is his fear of Richard Parker which motivates him to act towards survival and it is belief in good gods that gives him hope. Both the usefulness and the beauty of God and Richard Parker are highlighted in Pi's admission of love for them. In one of the other books that we studied this semester in my Canadian literature class (my favourite novel ever, A Complicated Kindness) it was suggested that it is ok to believe a beautiful lie if it helps you survive. By showing the usefulness and beauty of God and Richard Parker, but not proving their truth, I feel like Pi is suggesting close to the same thing. The difference is that he seems to think it doesn't even matter what is true and what is a lie, only what is beautiful.

     This brings me to God. I know a lot of people, including myself, who have (for the most part) come to understand what Christians believe, why, and how it is beautiful, but still struggle with believing it. This may sound strange. If you understand it, and it seems beautiful, than why not believe? For most of the people I know in this place there are still a few things we don't understand or a few things that don't seem beautiful, so that could be part of it. However, I feel like there is something else. I go to university, so most of the people I know are obsessed with finding out what is true. The problem is that the more and more you study the more and more you realise it is almost impossible to know anything for sure.
       Everything is way more complicated than we tend to initially think it is, that is what university has taught me. It is possible to see the other side of almost every argument if you think about things deeply enough and that doesn't even touch on the subject of epistemology.The only thing I know for sure is that I exist in some way shape or form. I think therefore I am, but I could be the dream of a brain in a jar. I can tell by my actions and my level of confidence in those actions what I believe, but believing something does not equate knowing it and there are things that I hesitantly think and things I am pretty darn sure about, so I can't help but wonder how confidant I have to be before it counts as a belief. Is it ok if I say this makes sense to me, seems beautiful to me, and I have committed to living my life this way unless I ever find out that I am wrong and I could definitely be wrong?  Does that count as confidence and is it a good enough reason to believe something? Does it even matter what is true, and if it does how can we ever confidently believe we have found truth if we never know for sure?

Letters to myself

What I wish I could have said to myself at a variety of different life stages:

To Laurissa before age 9: Don't tell the older Laurissas but you are my favourite. I love your imagination, your energy, your curiosity, your zest for life. Stop crying so much though, like seriously, also stop stomping and getting mad, use your words to figure things out and don't take things so seriously, none of this is the end of the world, your life is great, enjoy it. Also I can't remember at what age you learned that having fun losing makes life easier but its the best lesson you ever learned so learn it faster it will make your life a beautiful place. Also, stop asking your Dad questions, it would save so many fights if you just realised that your mom is the one with the patience for all of your questions. Don't be mad at your Dad either, it takes him 15 years but he finally comes around to realise why you ask so many questions. These are actually some of your best years with your dad: fishing, biking, going to yard sales, or out for a snack. I know you wish you had more friends, but you have something even more beautiful, please cherish it.

To Laurissa from about age 9 to about age 13: I get it, you're lonely and everyone thinks you're weird. Listen, years later you are going to be proud to say that when you were 12 you spent most of your time contemplating the meaning of life. You are weird, own it, it makes you rad. Friends will come in time.

To Grade 9 Laurissa: You are the sort of person that it takes a lot of people time to get used to and to realise that they love you. Right now it feels like everyone hates you and you are wondering if you should believe them. Don't waste your time, they'll get over it soon enough, just be patient, and spend you're time trying to grow because it might help people hate you less if you calm the heck down. This is one thing it seems like you aint ever gunna learn, but grades don't really mean that much, so relax, although, I am proud of your hard work, good job.

To Grade 10 Laurissa: In less than a year you are going to lose your dad, don't you think that's more important that wasting your time liking this boy or that boy and worrying about grades and stuff? I know you're having trouble with this growing up thing and you already feel like you're losing your dad because you are growing up and drifting apart and that is totally fine and normal and ok, but the only problem is that you are never going to have the chance to drift back together again as you age so please don't bother with that stupid "boy friend" just hang out with your dad some more ok?

To Grade 11 Laurissa: Right now is one of the lowest points in your life. I get it. I understand, I've been there. You feel like you are alone, like no one in the whole wide world gives a flying shit and that is a valid emotion, but the thing is that people do give a shit, they just give it in their own crazy way and they are all going through their own problems and there is a sort of beauty in this picture of messed up people trying to love each other. Right now you don't see the beauty you just see the pain, and that is ok, but the beauty is there and so is the love. Also, I know you feel guilty, really, really guilty. You hate to see your mom unhappy in a job she hates. You hate knowing that you are not the only one who was affected by this tragedy. You hate seeing the people you love hurt so much and not knowing how to help them.  Most of all, you hate that your pain hurts so much that you can't always force yourself to think first of your family. You feel selfish and you hate that. You hate that you hate coming home to an empty house because you think it means you aren't a supportive daughter. Please just forgive yourself. You are going to feel so many different things this year and it is all normal. Also I know you feel like your family fell apart, but it didn't, it is a lot stronger than you think it is and so are you. It is going to be ok.

To Grade 12 Laurissa: You are not over it, and no one expects you to be over it, so why don't you just get real with yourself? Also please be careful. This is around the time that your anger starts costing you friendships, it would be so much easier if you could just deal with your insides before they seeped outside, but then again most of learning comes from mistakes so c'est la vie, also you know how you don't know what to do with your life? Don't worry about it, the answer doesn't come through a well thought out pros and cons list but from the heat of a moment. Relax.

To Laurissa in that random year after highschool: This is a hard year, you feel useless, but you learn a lot of great lessons and you are going to be ok. Pro tip, get off the freaking internet bro! There is a whole world out there for you to explore. Also I'm really proud of you.

To  University Laurissa: Gird your metaphorical loins, this is going to be a strange four years. I know you think that you are going to fail. Unfortunately you never do stop thinking that, but fortunately you never do fail, so I wish you could learn to relax. You don't even realise it, not really, but you are waiting for a good moment that will last forever so you can get comfortable and really start enjoying your life. It's not coming. You need to stop being so worried about the future. You are wasting your time trying to solve all the problems before they happen. Planning isn't really that useful. You just need to relax because it is not the beginnings or the middles or then ends that are lovely and it is no one year or set of years, it is the moments. And in these four years you will have billions of beautiful moments. I wish you could learn to cherish them without being afraid of what comes next. I wish that you could learn to trust people. I know you aren't that big on people since your dad died and you've had such trouble with friendships. It never really gets easy, but it does get beautiful, there are amazing people out there and they want to be your friend, please relax long enough to let them. Also don't worry too much about what you know or believe, you are never going to answer all the questions. This is not a race to see who can figure everything out first. You will never have it all under control. Relax. Slow down. Enjoy yourself as you go.

To present Laurissa: this is for you, all of it, all of these are lessons you still need to learn and re learn, and there is no shame in that. You will be learning and unlearning and relearning until the day you die.

An encouraging conversation

I had thee most encouraging conversation today and I want to share it with you. It started as all good talks do, I was minding my own business until I started chatting about Descartes with someone. (Oh how I love Descartes) From there we started talking about how we are all different. (They're not connected at all, I just wanted to mention Descartes because I love him) So say I'm a fork and you're a pop can and that guy over there is a bowl (we were eating dinner, we made metaphors with what was around us). The goal for me is not to be a pop can, but to be a fork the way a fork was really made to be. To be a fork to the fullest. Problems come when a pop can tries to be everything at once separate from everything else, or when it tries to force everyone else to be a pop can, or when you're struggling to be a fork and instead of helping you by admitting that it sometimes struggles to be a pop can it just makes a big show of being a great pop can. What my friend said to me today that really resonated with me was that we as forks have to try to make sure that we aren't trying to make the pop can be a fork. We have to try to forgive the pop can for its mistakes and to love it for what it is and see the good in it so that we are not being hypocrites by hating the hypocrites. The thing is, though, that we can still encourage the pop can to be a good pop can and forgiving doesn't mean we ignore the mistakes, we just have to try to balance that in love. My friend then ended by saying that sometimes you are angry and you just need to go throw stones in the river, and that's ok, because admitting your anger is part of staying true to who you are as a fork and being honest. That was the most beautiful thing I've be told in a while. I don't know if this makes sense or helps you with whatever is going on in your life, or if you just think I'm crazy, but I've been struggling with anger a lot and it really spoke to me so I wanted to share it.

23 things I learned about myself in university

University can teach you about the world but it can also teach you about yourself. These are things I learned about myself over my last four years as a university student:

1. I never want to be one of those annoying academic people who know so much and sound so smart but don't actually make sense. You know the ones I mean, the ones who just learned how to talk the talk but, when you really look at what they are saying, the truth is they aren't saying anything at all.
2. I like the way that poetry sounds and the way it makes me feel, but don't like discussing poetry in an academic setting.
3. Other people are even more interesting than I am, so I should listen as much if not more than I talk.
4. I'm not as weird as I thought I was. There are people out there who are as hyper as me, as studious as me, as unorganized as me, as interesting as me, as sincere as me, and as curious as me. 
5. One of the main reasons I like literature is because I like the way books make me feel.
6. My loud voice can sometimes be very useful.
7. I am an auditory learner. I learn best through conversations and if I don't write notes I learn more and remember more.
8. I am not one of those people who can operate on little to no sleep, I need my sleep.
9. Both modern and post modern Canadian literature are passions of mine.
10. I also interested in the search for a Canadian identity and in how that search relates to the geographical concept of place.
11. I am also just really interested in the over all concept of home.
12. I also love talking about the medium of story telling and how best to communicate meaning.
13. I am comfortable in uncertainty, perhaps too comfortable.
14. I can't do procrastination, it's not my style.
15. I love working with kids.
16. I actually am a good leader.
17. I have a really engaging speaking style when I chose to use it.
18. I need more confidence.
19. I need to get over my guilt.
20. It is possible for me to maintain friendships much longer than I ever thought, although it is hard for me.
21. I am not a natural initiator.
22. I may have a way with words.
23. Although I suck at keeping material possessions organized I have a gift for time management.   

Conversations (A Slice of Poetic/ Fictional Dialogue)