Ok big confession here: I'm really panicking...about a couple of little stars.
I am about to graduate, and a couple of years ago I went to a friends graduation where I got this booklet that held all the names of all the graduates. Some had stars beside their names, and some didn't. The stars represented good grades and as much as this makes me sound like a Sneetch form a Dr. Seuss book, ever since that day I have been working my butt off to get a star beside my name.
Now this might sound ridiculous, but I think that at a deeper level this crazy obsession over a star is actually something that we all do all the time.
We all want to be special.
I remember a really long time ago I was a part of this youth group where one day the youth leader got this idea to try to use symbolism to make a point so she took us all into the nursery of the church and she gave us cookies and read us "The Sneetches" by Dr. Seuss. We all reminisced about the good old days of being kids. Then we talked about the symbolism behind the book and behind the cookies.
She offered us a choice, we could have a store bought chocolate chip cookie, or a home made chocolate chip cookie. Everyone chose the homemade cookies. Then the youth leader delivered her big metaphor: We are all like the homemade cookies and that is actually better. We are different and unique (you know, like snowflakes), and wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same? We need to be brave and be ourselves and don't try to fit in like all the Sneetches in the story. Just accept everyone for who they are. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
We have all heard this kind of thing SO MANY TIMES BEFORE. At the time I was too impressed by the idea of using a cookie as a metaphor (this was a long time ago, metaphors were still new to me, leave me alone) I wasn't paying enough attention to realise the ridiculousness of it all. But here it is, what if the problem isn't that we want to fit in at all?
Take the Sneetches story, it wasn't really about fitting in, but about standing out. Yes, the Sneetches who had "no stars upon thars" didn't like being left out and wanted stars so they could fit in, but that wasn't what kept the story moving forward. What kept the plot going and what let stupid whatshisface make all that money was the Sneetches who were like "shit dawg they're just like us now, we gots to think of some other way to be special" (Ok those are not words from the story, but you know what I mean). So they paid mrwhatshisface (actually this could also be a book about consumerism, but that is not what I'm talking about so shelve that thought in a different brain drawer for later contemplation) and GOT RID of their stars so they could be special.
All our lives we have been told we are special like snowflakes so we have been trying crazy hard to be special to stand out. All my life I have wondered "What is my gift, what can I give to the world? Can I inspire others with words, music, or athletic ability? Can I explain things better than anyone else or discover new knowledge faster? Can I solve unsolvable problems with my brain? Can I create useful tools?" The question gets disguised as a seemingly useful one "what can I do for the world" but at the heart of it is the selfish desire to be special in one way or another.
What if we are not? What if I have no amazing abilities? What if I am just...mediocre?
Now don't get me wrong. We all have skills of some kind, you might not be the best at anything but you are probably ok at lots of thinks and it is good to know what these are and how to use them. For example, I am convinced that one of my biggest things to offer is that I actually give a shit (pardon my language but I feel like this is the best way to word it) and I am willing. When I look back, all of the things I did with my life are not characterized by me being so great at something, but by me seeing a need, caring that it existed, and doing my best to fill it. Then of course I ruin everything by freaking out because I don't think I'm good enough. I've been trying this whole time to find my calling, so to speak. Every time I step up I think "oh maybe this is what I'm meant to do" and then I panic if I make a mistake because I see my reason for existing shattering and I get like frozen by fear of failure.
I am finding peace in realising that it is perfectly ok to be mediocre, you don't have to be special. My skills aren't anything that make me shine, my skill is simply that I'm willing to try, and now I can calm down when I'm trying to help knowing that I don't have to look for my role in life anymore, because I've been playing it the whole time.
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