Why Churches Make Me Angry

I love the idea of a church, of a bunch of people coming together and saying "I don't understand everything, I make mistakes, and I need help." I even like the idea of a God (and that's a good thing that I like Him, because I believe in Him) who is better, a someone who can help us. I can even stomach a book that can set us all straight and guide us through this confusing wilderness.

In reality, though, I cannot handle church. I cannot handle a bunch of people who claim that their interpretation of the book is right and that they know for certain that there is a God and He is exactly how they think He is. I cannot handle a group of people so unwilling to say "I do not know" or "I do not understand" or "I could be wrong."

Now don't misunderstand me. I've had good experiences with churches. I have met some lovely people whose hearts are big and full of love. They truly believe in God and I admire the vitality of their faith. They only hold so fast to every little idea because they think it's true, and not because they think they are so smart that they figured it all out, but because of that book. It always goes back to that book. They think it is fully true, and I think it probably is, but they think they understand it, and I don't think I do, and that's where the difference is between me and them. And I don't want to suggest that I'm better. Because I've told a lot of people they were wrong and I was right, but only because I felt I had to and I thought it was the nice thing to do, I thought they needed to hear it.

But really I am more comfortable saying "I do not know, I do not understand, and I could be wrong." Mostly because that's all so true.

I could be wrong even in this. I mean sometimes we can prove things right so why not Jesus? Why not believe something fully forever?

In science you cannot prove anything beyond a shadow of a doubt forever. You can only interpret the evidence and make suppositions but if new evidence comes in it may mean a new opinion.

I want to live like that. I believe what seems right, and Jesus seems right to me, but I'm always open to changing my mind.

This makes me willing to listen. When I talk to someone I don't want to hope they will leave saying I'm right. I want to hope we will both leave with a better understanding.

I do not like the unwavering solidity of the church.

There is no room for changing your mind.

There is no room for not knowing what you think. You either agree, and you're in, or you disagree and you're out and you are suddenly just another lost sheep to evangelize. What about those of us who keep accidently falling back onto the fence?

Please don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't believe in God, I'm just willing to admit I could be wrong. I am also on the fence with some things. I think they're right. It makes sense in my head, but I haven't figured out how to fully embrace it with more than just my mind. I want there to be room for being uncertain and uncomfortable. Not so we can all party on the fence. I don't especially like the fence, I just keep ending up here. No, I want there to be room for being uncertain and uncomfortable because we can't move forward (towards recognizing, believing and accepting truth) if we can't admit where we are. I am so tired of being shut up when I try to express how I feel and being told feelings don't matter and being pointed to the truth. Of course, just because I feel something doesn't make it true, and truth is more important than my feelings, but I can't just believe the truth because you say it and it makes sense. My feelings are a mountain I must climb over, and it would be a whole lot easier to do that if Christians were more honest with each other and stopped just toting the party line.