I have noticed that one of the biggest mountains that get in the way in my own personal fight for joy is that of self hatred. I am constantly reminded of all my faults and mistakes when I look at myself where it is usually at least a little easier to see the good in others or forgive their bad aspects. I am always comparing myself to others and also to this perfect person who exists only in my head. Also, every little bit of criticism from other people goes straight to my heart whether this is noticeable or not.
I know I am not alone in this. What I want to talk about is not the problem but the solution. I often hear people say that everyone is wonderful and beautiful and we all just need to love ourselves and love each other. This bothers me because I know the truth. I know the horror that people are capable of and I know the dark rooms of my own heart. I don't think the solution is just to see the good and ignore the bad. That could lead to a horrible world where the evil in us all is allowed free rein because everyone ignores it and we never deal with it.
There are people who say that criticism shouldn't get you down but should be taken as advice and mistakes should be lessons for self improvement. I have met people like this and you know what? Their spirits are often not very calm because they live their lives trying to do better and be better and it doesn't calm the storms of self hatred in their mind, it spurs them on and makes them bigger.
My favourite way to tackle this problem is expressed well by the poetic Mr. John Green: "the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive." This matches up with Christianity doesn't it? After all Jesus doesn't say do better and be better or I don't know you. He offers forgiveness no matter what your life is like. Yes he offers a slow and beautiful transformation, but hey do you really want to keep being all the parts of you that aren't that great? Nah, sanctification is a glorious thing, but it isn't what gives us forgiveness and love, those are just given free of charge to those who believe. If the religion is based on forgiveness why not let it be a way of life? I could be wrong but I think that the best way to deal with self hatred is to forgive yourself. You got problems. You are not 100% beautiful inside and out, you have issues. Issues you can't erase just by waking up and trying harder to do better. BUT if the maker of the universe is a forgiver, why not forgive yourself? Yes embrace the process of sanctification. I don't want to be this mess forever, but its a slow process and in the mean time I'm learning to forgive myself and remember that Jesus loves me not because I'm an awesome possum aardvark, but because He is.
Unfortunately forgiveness is easier said then done. It is hard to forgive yourself when people are always pointing out your flaws and expecting you to fix them. The world doesn't operate on forgiveness but on this weird attempted system of fairness. "You get what you deserve." Which makes no sense because we all actually deserve a lot less than you might think. I wouldn't want to get what I deserve. When you realise that you might not actually want what you deserve it is a little easier to give to others the forgiveness they don't deserve and when someone else forgives you it is a little easier to forgive yourself, so lets all try to be forgiving people, but I mean we'll have to learn to forgive those who don't forgive. Oh life, it's confusing.
Also I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just thinking out loud, so I'm sorry if I make no sense.
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