I am not much of a traveler. I have been around Ontario a fair bit but I have only left Ontario three times. Once I went on week long volunteering excursion with my church to a small town in Kansas. A bunch of us youth slept in a school and in the day we painted houses and stuff. Two summers ago I worked as a camp counselor on a reserve in Northern Quebec. This is my third time leaving Ontario. I am living with two other female students in the house of a very nice man in a small town In Quebec. During the week I go to a school to learn French.
It is not that I don't enjoy journeys. I love to watch through a window as I drift past trees, lakes, rivers, hills, and fields. There is something about the movement of a car or bus that I find to be very peaceful and for some reason I love having all my things with me in a suitcase. The journey is poetic! :)
However, leaving is very difficult for me. I become very attached to people and places very quickly. It is difficult for me to leave. It helps if I know where I'm going because then I can think of the people and places that I love that I am about to see again. Even then it can be difficult. When I travel between my home at school and my home with my family I feel torn. It is even harder for me to go where I have never gone. It's not that I don't like discovering new places, I do, and like I said, I get attached quickly, but it is oh so hard for me to leave one place in order to discover another. I think part of the reason might be because I am uncertain if the people I am leaving love me as much as I love them, and I am uncertain if I truly belong in that place.
I enjoy traveling and seeing new places but when I do it I feel like I'm sprinkling my heart all over the world and it makes me feel weak. I wish I could gather everyone, everything, and everywhere I love in one small area of the earth. A little place where I could truly belong and my heart would be whole.
I can't help but wonder if I was made for growing roots not wings.
Once I got here I got used to the idea of being away from home. I don't miss it quite as much as I thought I would.
I find that ever since I began University traveling makes me wonder where my home is. I start to feel at home wherever I am (a reserve, a camp, a small Quebec town, the place where I go to school) and I can't help but wonder if I really have a home anywhere or if I am home everywhere or if no where is my home?
I am very lucky to have sweet room mates and a kind host here.
It is hard for me to make friends. This may surprise some people because I am very outgoing and talkative, and, like I said, I get attached to people, places, and things quickly and I open up quickly too, but it takes me a while to feel truly comfortable around people. Maybe that is why I wonder if I have a home, because as much as I love wherever I am and whoever I am with I never quite feel as if I am home.
I often sit by myself and things like that. However I have managed to make a few friends already and that makes it easier.
It is a difficult experience just because I am not allowed to speak English. I am in the primary class and I don't know much French at all. I have already learned a little though.
I struggle a lot with guilt as you will know if you often read the nonsense that comes out of my head. I feel guilty for not having studied French before and I am embarrassed by how little I know but everyone is very nice and I am quickly getting used to it all.
It is also nice just to have a chance to see things and be a tourist. The Saint Lawrence River is so beautiful!
This may sound odd to you but I am finding comfort in thinking that God loves me even if I get kicked out of school for talking English, or I fail my class, or I finish without learning anything. I know it may seem odd, but I get a lot of comfort from the knowledge that His love for me is all about what Jesus did and not about what I do. It takes off all the pressure to be an awesome person, succeed at everything and change the world for the better. When there is no pressure, I feel free to do better. It's weird, I guess.
Perhaps I should also be encouraged by the fact that I have a home with Jesus.
He will always love me and I will always belong with Him even if I never truly belong anywhere on this here earth.
Well there you have it, my thoughts. Pretty dull and sappy eh? I am sorry.
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