Weeping Season

I should warn you this post is about some of my confusions regarding Christianity especially in concerns to the topic of suffering. You might not find it interesting if a) you are not a Christian or b) if you are the kind of Christian that doesn't like to wrestle with your faith, but Ii would encourage you to read it anyways because I like hearing from people who disagree with me. I am not sure at what stage in my life we knew each other. That is actually one of the things I love about social media. I never know when someone I have not spoken to in years is going to engage with me again and I love nothing more than hearing different perspectives. So, just to make sure we are all on the same page let me catch you up real quick. These days I am calling myself a Christian again after years of saying I was agnostic although I am not a very good Christian. I still have a lot of questions about my faith and I sometimes feel that if you are a Christian with questions then people question if you are really a Christian, but I think honesty is really important. Having explained all of that let us get to the questions on my mind right now:

There is a Hillsong song - As You Find Me - that has this line in it "Your love is too good to leave me here."

Whenever I hear it at my Church, which is often, my brain breaks into chaos.

What in the figurative fire monkeys does that even mean?

Places where Christians can find themselves for very long periods of time despite being loved by God:

• Unable to pay bills
• Jobless
• In a really draining job
• Homeless
• Hungry
• Depressed
• Anxious
• Dealing with an addiction
• Dealing with an eating disorder
• Struggling with a different mental illness
• Sick
• Lonely
• Dealing with insomnia
• Grieving the loss of a loved one
• Dealing with really difficult conflict 

Christians LOVE to talk about how God will provide.

Even the Bible talks about this stuff.

Matthew 6:26-34

26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 7: 9-11

9 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

If the Bible says God will take care of us why are some people not being taken care of? The typical response to such questions is to talk about God's will and God's timing.

If you ask for something and you don't get it maybe it isn't his will, maybe he has something better for you, or maybe it is his will, but just not yet.

To the God's will point: what if the thing that someone is asking for is something that they were created to need like sleep, clean water, food, shelter, or community. Are you really trying to tell me that it is not God's will for needs to be fulfilled that HE CREATED. He could have built us as robots that do not need any fuel (emotional fuel like friendship or physical fuel like food) but he didn't.

To the God's timing point: it kind of makes sense to me. For example, back in the day before I fell in love I really disliked how people acted like single Christians should just be at peace as if they were not allowed to long for something else when the freaking beginning of the Bible says "18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”" (Genesis 2:18). However, despite the fact that I felt that I was designed to be in a relationship did not mean that it was the time at that point. So if you are created with a need that has not yet been fulfilled what should you do?

Philippians 4:6-7

6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

OK, great, but what about when it doesn't?

There are a few other bits of comfort that I have found in the bible, but they are not that helpful.

For one thing there is the whole go to heaven when we die stuff.

Revelation 21:1-4

21 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place[a] of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,[b] and God himself will be with them as their God.[c] 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

However, I am 27 (almost 28) years old, and apparently the average life expectancy for a female in the United States is 81, which means, if Jesus does not come back soon, I may have to suffer for another 53 years before I go to heaven.

Then we have the idea that God is with us and also the idea that he will help us even if he does not remove a difficult situation.

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

But if you can't tell that he is helping/ strengthening you and if you can't hear God's voice or understand the Bible very well (I won't be at all surprised if someone lets me know I have misunderstood all the verses I have quoted here I am a very stupid human being), then what comfort is it to know that God is with you especially if you have an unmet need as discussed above?

The only thing I have to cling to after all of this is the idea that maybe sometimes we just need to grieve.

I have been a part of 9 different churches over the course of 28 years spanning everything from Pentecostal to Calvinist and I have picked up this feeling that a lot of Christians really feel like they have some sort of holy obligation to be happy about everything. I don't really understand why. I mean sure, there are verses like Philippians 4:4 (which says: "4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.") which kind of suggest that we always need to be thankful and trust the Lord. Thankfulness I guess I get because even if nothing else has been given to me by God - which is not so as I have my health, my husband, and my mom just for starters - at the very least he has given me salvation. I will probably never understand why sin (something it doesn't even seem to be possible to not do if you are not Jesus since apparently everyone else has sinned - see Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.") deserves to be punished with death (see Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord"), but I also would rather worship a God who makes no sense to me because he is bigger than my brain than one I made up so I could understand it even though my understanding of everything else is limited by my humanity. At any rate, I am thankful for the gift of salvation even though I wish Jesus did not have to die for it. However, my thankfulness is still not enough to make me feel capable of rejoicing in the midst of suffering and I don't understand why so many Christians act like it is not OK to admit that. Have you read Psalms? Are you aware of how dramatically sorrowful the author can get? I really relate to Psalm 25:16 it isn't the most dramatic, but in it the author talks about being lonely ("Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted") and loneliness is something I feel all the time.

In addition to the Psalms as proof that it is apparently OK to not put on a fake smile all the time there is also Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

I guess I am just in my weeping season. I have no clue when it will end or how exactly to weather these storms, but maybe there is a purpose to weeping. Have you seen "Inside Out"? It is one of my favourite movies. Maybe I am asking you a question about how to have peace in Christ, or maybe I am showing you that it is OK to grieve. I have no idea.

Thoughts on Self Care

Note: This is a blog I created a million years ago when everyone and their neighbour's chicken had a blog. I honestly do not remember too much about the other things on here. My guess is it is mostly angst filled attempts at poetic prose expressing my frustration with religion, so explore at your own risk because I am not technologically savvy enough to figure out how to hide all the  past posts, I am too lazy to save them all elsewhere, and do not really want to delete any that I disagree with or find embarrassing because it is like an archive of past me. I never kept journals because it felt so pointless to write if no one was going to read it, not that I had anything worthwhile to say, but anyways, I stopped writing because I got quite busy and blogs kind of stopped being a thing, but now I am super bored and lonely, I have all these thoughts in my head and I do not really have anyone to talk to about them, so here we are. 

The topics on my mind right now are burnout and self care. 

I believe base line self care is taking care of our basic needs. By this I mean eating contextually appropriate food*, drinking water, sleeping, exercising, and taking any needed medications.

I believe it is OK if you need to say no to something else to find time to do these things, even if that something else is helping someone. 

However, I do think we need to be careful that self care does not become an excuse to be selfish. 

I have discovered that almost everything in life is about balance. I need to be careful not to judge other people who are trying to figure this self care thing out. It is complicated. I think it is pretty easy to get out of balance. I do not know the full back story behind other people's actions and at the end of the day I just want everyone in the world to know peace. That said, I definitely sense a trend of self care that is really just selfishness. This is often tied to the self care that is just capitalism. Spas, baths, herbal tea, candles, face masks, yoga classes, and meditation apps on your phone are all products associated with self care. If these things help you find peace without costing you more time, money, and other resources than it makes sense to you for you to be spending, then OK, go ahead, have fun. However, I think we need to be cautious about three things. 

1. We should not want to be taken advantage of by companies that claim to be our tool to peace, but are really just taking advantage of our misery and receptiveness to buzzwords to take our money.

2.  We should not just swamp our to do lists with self care activities and stress ourselves out more that way. 

3. We should not stop caring about the least of these in our lives. 

On that last point I have some more to say, and again I really have to be careful not to judge because I do not know the full picture, but I can share what I see and hopefully it will get you thinking, I am probably wrong about everything, but how will I ever know that if you don't read my thoughts and set me straight? (That was not sarcasm, please set me straight!) I see some people who are like "butter scraped over too much bread" (thanks Tolkien) because they are trying so hard to be there for the people in their life. These are the people who may need to make sure they are eating, drinking water, sleeping, exercising, taking any needed medications, light a candle, go to a spa, have a bath, drink some herbal tea, put on a face mask, take a yoga class, meditate, pet a puppy, hang out with friends, or take up a fun hobby. However, there are some people who talk all the time about leaving toxic people behind (but in a way that makes me wonder if the people they are leaving are really toxic) and who seem to do all of the above activities all the time and never seem to care about anyone who is hurting. Honestly, it is entirely possible that I am just being judgmental, but if so I am not the only one. Heck, College Humor even created a video on this topic back in 2016 called "You Can Be Terrible if You Call It "Self-Care." I mean unpopular opinion, but I don't understand why so many people are worried about being taken advantage of. If you can give then why not do it? I worry that we are going towards a world where no one cares about anyone else and the only relationships allowed are those that are perfectly give and take meaning that people really struggling who do not have much to give will just get left behind. I do also worry for those who are actually falling apart because they are giving too much. However, at the end of the day only you can decide if you are doing too much or too little for the least of these. Only you can decide if you need more self care or not. I just ask that you put some thought into it.

The last thing that I have to say is that I think that some burnout is systemic making self care next to impossible. I believe some jobs are set up in ways that naturally break people down. In these cases, self care is actually an excuse to blame individuals for breaking down saying the work load is fine and they just aren't taking care of themselves when what is really needed is some big picture change.

If you actually read all of this I really hope that I did not hurt your feelings. I do not care if you like candles and face masks and leaving toxic people behind or if you like spreading yourself too thin. I may not understand it which means that I do not know what I should do which is why I need to process it in this matter, but I am not judging you. I just want you to find peace and I just want to find peace.

*I subscribe to the philosophy that there is no bad food or good food, because such labels can be harmful to those struggling with an eating disorder, however, I think it is important to listen to our body and give it what it needs which is what I mean by eating contextually. 

Hello London

Moving to a new city

So many people have done this before

This isn’t even my first time

Yet still it isn’t easy

There are a thousand things which could move us on

But to live someplace new is to leave an old place behind

I was lucky enough to love my old home

But now I am an uprooted tree, wondering if I’ll be able to grow roots again

The thing is that

To say goodbye

Is to risk the possibility of no reunion

My heart is scattered, with pieces left in a million places

 Yet I feel the value of connecting and belonging

Is not in how long it lasts

But in how beautiful it gets

Oh may it get beautiful again

So here I am starting over

Even if it means loving some place new just to lose it all later  

But to say hello,

Is to risk hatred and rejection

I am not easy to love

Are any of us really?

We all come with our own layers of fear and anger

But deep within us all is a heart ready to poor out love

And the pain we stumble into on our journeys
Is really nothing new for us humans,

Who overcome and again and again

Who roll out of bed even with a heavy head

And we put one foot in front of the other

A thousand scattered hearts looking to connect

We are never truly alone

And one way or another we’ll be ok

So Hello London, I am new here.

New to this city life

And new to buildings big enough

To make a human seem minuscule.

I am new here,

But I come with open arms

Ready for all you may give

And ready to live through more loss

Oh London

For better or for worse

Come what may, here am I

Will you take me as I am? 

Exestential Crisis in a Shopping Mall

So, yesterday some friends of mine were visiting from out of town and we went shopping, you know typical past time for four twenty something young women. However, I - a twenty something young woman - hate shopping. Which really isn't that rare and I've never questioned this before. I have always accepted that I like to save my money because I have an irrational fear of  homelessness and I have a very practical outlook on clothes (I like to wear comfortable utilitarian things that will keep me warm in Winter and appropriately covered in summer because I don't live in a Nudist colony). I don't mind accompanying my friends while they shop, though, it's a nice opportunity to chat with my people and there is always fun upbeat music to dance to if you get bored, but as I was hanging out with them and they were talking about different colours and styles I suddenly started to question everything I know about myself. Why don't I like fashion??? I love art of all kinds. I draw, write, and act. Even though I am limited from exceling in certain art forms because I have no rhythm, am tone deaf, and have no hand-eye coordination I still enjoy watching or listening to professional musicians and dancers and I still dance, sing, and make pottery and jewelry and stuff when I'm around people I know won't make fun of me for failing. I just love self expression and creative communication, and isn't that what fashion is all about? So why am I not into fashion? I think there definitely is a practical and utilitarian component to my lack of interest in fashion. I remember when I was a little kid being so frustrated with my mom for making me wear dresses to church because right after church I'd be running around with other kids (interesting note: there were few kids really my age most of the other kids were boys a little younger than me) playing tag, crawling under the chairs, jumping off the stairs, and trying to climb up the side of the ramp and my mom would have to remind me to be careful that I wasn't showing the world my underwear in the midst of all of this. I was a hyper child and pants were just so much easier to play in so when I finally convinced my mom to let me wear pants it was a utilitarian desire and had nothing to do with fashion. In fact, I remember the first thing my mom let me wear instead of a dress was a one piece shorts/t-shirt button up thing that was purple with little white flowers. It was just as cute and girly as a dress but it let me run and play and I loved it. I do a lot less running and playing these days, but I still like to sit however I want and climb the odd tree and pants are just more comfortable. I do sometimes wear fancy scarves and sweaters and even the odd sundress in the summer so maybe I do enjoy self expression in fashion but don't fully embrace fashion for utilitarian reasons. However, I think there is more to it than that. I have a couple different memories from grade nine and ten on this subject that have stayed with me. One has to do with my hair which I cut super short right before I started high school and it ballooned out like a mushroom for all of grade nine. People were always telling me to straighten it so I did finally buy a straightener, but I bought a cheap one which didn't work very well and it took forever to straighten it every morning so I gave up. You might think this just shows that I am lazy and cheap, which is probably also true, but - like I said - I think it is more complicated than that because there were a couple times where I let other people straighten my hair with their intense expensive straighteners (not for fun mind you, it was part for a skit we were doing in my drama class about night mares, I'll do anything for the theatre) and I had it straight the whole day and everyone complimented me on it and those compliments frustrated me because I felt like they were say "everyday you is ugly".  Another time I wore mascara to school for fun. Now, I applied it myself, and I had never worn mascara before so I probably looked like a crazy person, but EVERYONE complimented me on it and I remember thinking they were just happy that I was trying to be normal. You might think this is one of those weird Laurissa conspiracies but I actually got a note one time in English class (yeah I know, I was alive at a time when people passed notes because not everyone had a cell phone, I'm so old) from this girl saying something like "I can help you learn how to dress, wear makeup, and do your hair so you can fit in." I think she meant well but I had seen Ten Things I Hate About You and I was familiar with the Taming of the Shrew type story line and I knew that we need to learn to love people for who they are rather than attempt to mold them into something loveable so I declined, but now maybe you understand my deeper frustrations with fashion. It isn't just that you have to be careful when climbing trees or eating ketchup if you are wearing a nice white dress or that doing hair and makeup every morning costs money and takes time, but I am deeply worried that people will like me not for who I am or the smart things I think or say or the kind things I do but for the way I dress. Is that a legitimate concern though? I mean I compliment people on their eyes, hair, clothes and jewelry all the time. It doesn't mean I think they are not capable of deep thought or that I'm not interested in accepting them for who they are but just want to congratulate them for following social norms. All I'm doing with a compliment like that is saying "Yo, you put effort into skillfully and artistically expressing yourself and I'm impressed." What's wrong with that? I mean beauty is a legit thing. I wouldn't be offended if someone said "Dang son, look at that sunset!" or "Holy stars Batman" or "Oh my golly gee that peacock has a nice tail." We aren't objectifying nature, we are appreciating it's natural beauty. And ok, female beauty often has to do with social norms, but so what? I mean if social norms say "Laurissa be skinny to an unhealthy point" I'ma be like "No freaking way bro." But if social norms say "Laurissa, at this time in history it is considered beautiful in Canada to have straight hair so go buy a straightener" what is wrong with saying ok? I mean I still think we should have the option to say "Nope, my hair is not naturally straight but I still think it's beautiful so there bro." And that brings us back to the idea of fashion as self expression, but people aren't evil for going along with social norms. So why am I so afraid of having people like me because they think I am naturally beautiful or because I've artfully enacted a style that is currently popular in my society instead of because I said something smart? I mean it doesn't bother me if people laugh at me when I say something that is currently accepted as funny in my society. That makes me feel good so why does fashion make me uncomfortable and am I wrong to have been fighting a one woman war against it all these years by on purpose wearing mostly simply utilitarian and comfortable clothes?

Trees

Once upon a time, there was a tree which grew in front of the kitchen window of a tiny little farm house. It had been planted by a farmer for his wife who was sad when she moved away from her childhood home, so he had taken a seed from the tree by her old bedroom window and planted it near their house to remind her that this place could be their home now. As the tree grew so too did these people. They grew taller and wiser as they learned more about farming, marriage, and life. The woman’s belly grew, and then shrunk as a new baby entered the earth. Her belly grew and shrunk four more times and every time it shrunk again there was another baby. Eventually every baby grew into a man or a woman and they left their parents who had by this time begun shrinking in size. The couple’s hair had turned quite gray, yet still the tree grew on. The woman still looked out the window at it and smiled, although now she was often not remembering the home of her childhood, but the earlier years of this home when her children would play in the branches of the tree. One day the old man was no longer there to be seen and the woman would look upon the tree and weep in memory of the one who had planted it for her. Then there was a day when all the children came back, much older now with children of their own, and they took the old woman away to a nursing home and sold the house. At this time, the house itself was beginning to crumble and fall apart and the tree, which had endured many a storm, was beginning to lean too close to a power line. The new owners of the property took down both the house and the tree and began to build up tall office buildings and apartments all over the old farm land. However, before they could cut down the tree the wind swept up its seed and planted it upon a hill where grew a little sapling. This sapling was very sad and lonely because none of the people in these new buildings ever looked upon it and smiled for they were too busy looking at their computer screens. One day, though, after the little sapling had grown a bit, a little bird came to rest in the tree’s branches and sing the song of its people. This made the tree very happy, but one day the weather grew cold and its leaves started to dance away from its branches and the bird sang out “My time has come, I must bid you fair well” and, just like that, it flew away. The tree had no choice but to stay where it was and watch until the bird was nothing but a spec on the horizon. Slowly all the tree’s leaves fell down and withered and the tree was sure it was dying, but still it stood. The earth grew cold and barren. Although the sky sent down a blanket of snow to keep the tree warm, its heart felt cold with loneliness and it grew bitter and angry with the entire universe. Then one day something happened which felt like a miracle to the tree! The sun began to warm the earth once more, and even the tree’s own heart became warm as its sap ran once again and its branches grew new buds. With this beautiful spring the bird came back, for birds are migratory creatures and they never leave the trees they love forever. The bird told the tree such lovely stories of the other lands it had visited and the adventures it had along the way. The bird asked the tree what it had been doing so the tree told the bird about the cold and empty winter and the bird shuddered at the thought and wondered aloud why anyone would stay during the winter. The tree found itself wondering the same thing and wishing it had wings to fly away with the bird, but it didn’t so that Autumn the bird once again left the tree alone to weather the Winter. This time, however, the tree knew the bird was coming back, so it was  filled with a deep peace that made it possible to notice the beauty of the snow falling and the way it sparkled and twinkled beneath the streetlights. The tree also noticed the bright and colourful Christmas lights that the people in the city put up and the wonderful songs that they sang. That spring, when the bird came back, the tree had such lovely stories of its own to tell all about the joys of winter. “That does sound cool” said the bird. “Does it make you want to stay?” asked the tree. “No” the bird said “This land is still too cold for me. You should come away with me.” “I can’t” said the tree “this is the land where grew the tree that came before me, it is the land of my people, the land where I grew my roots, and I must stay.” The bird still did not understand, but the tree finally did and that was enough. 

Do Twenty Somethings Need to Grow Faster or Slower?

As a university graduate who is headed back to school and who still feels like I'm fumbling and stumbling through life in complete and utter confusion, I have been grappling with the question of whether we are asking our youth to grow too fast or whether we aren't putting enough pressure on them to grow up. On one hand I feel pressured to have it all figured out. All around me I see my old classmates getting good jobs, falling in love, buying houses, and having cute babies. This makes me wish wandering was more normal. I feel we shouldn't be pressured to have it all figured out by our early twenties because we should always be growing and learning and making new choices to get closer to where we should go. On the other hand I also hear stories about forty year olds still dwelling in their parents basements and spending most of their time on video games. Clearly I am not the only one wandering, but am I in good company or are we all failures who need to get a hold of our lives? I think maybe we do need to realise that (as cliché as it sounds) growing up is not a destination, but a process. We need to stop acting like we just need to figure out what we believe, who we love, and what career is best for us and then get to that glory life as fast as we can because growing up is something that we should never be done doing and what is more important is growing in love, not in money or status. However, wandering probably is too prevalent in my society. Progress is good. Don't stop moving, but maybe lost people like me need to make sure we aren't wasting our time on useless immaturity that lasts forever. Move as long as it is not in circles. Go ahead, be confused, as long as your confusion is taking you somewhere. But I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. How do I progress in love, confidence, knowledge, and understanding? Someone please show me the way. Here is to hoping that all those who wander really aren't lost.

2014

       2014 had a lot of hard parts for me and not near as much fun, adventurous, traveling as the last three years. In 2011 I went to Ottawa for a week and then spent six weeks in a small Cree village in Northern Quebec. In 2012 I went on a really long bus adventure to visit a friend of mine who was living in a small town North of Lake Superior. I lived in Quebec for five weeks in the Spring of 2013 while going to school to learn French, and then I went on two road trips for weddings during the summer. I did go to three weddings this year, but two of them were  right in my current city. One wedding was an hour or two away from my Mom's house. No buses went there so she had to rent a car to take me. That was kind of a fun adventure, but then my friend drove me back to the city where I live which is three hours away from my Mom's city and it was snowing really bad and I thought we were going to die, but we didn't so that's good.

       Another reason why 2013 was a lot more exciting than 2014 was that my nephew was born, but - to be honest - he just gets more and more exciting as he gets older. I am excited to hopefully move to his city so I can see him more often.

       One super exciting thing did happen this year: I graduated. This made me happy for a couple reasons. It is kind of nice not to have to do homework anymore, and to know that I was capable of that success. However, it is kind of sad not to have any more school. I really enjoyed it. It is also stressful, because although I am passionate about the subject of my degree and enjoyed the process, it isn't very useful so I had to go through this big long period of not knowing what to do next. Things are OK now. I have a job that I like and a plan to go back to school for a couple of years to get a better job that I will also like, perhaps even more than the one I have now. I am nervous to enact this plan, but excited too. Anyways, finding the job, and developing the plan was stressful, and graduating was bitter sweet but I loved my actual graduation day. Most people say the ceremony is superficial and boring. But I really enjoy ceremony. I think we need to take time to acknowledge that important things have happened. Anyways, my ceremony was the highlight of my year. I've been to other ceremonies with really boring speeches, but mine was pretty interesting and relatable . The best part, though, was that I had friends and family there. I didn't think anyone was going to come, but people did and that meant a BUNCH to me. Plus my mom, sister, and nephew came down for a couple days and it was kind of like a family vacation.

      I'm nervous about 2015, because so much is going to be changing. Oh well, I'll figure it out.