Hello, as you are most likely aware, my name is Laurissa. Today, I feel like telling you a story. I am not a very talented person. For the sake of kindness and love, most of my friends would disagree with me. They are right in the sense that God has pretty much given us all some sort of gift, but if you were to just look at me without much attention given it might be hard for you to tell what my gift(s) is(are). I am not physically fit or coordinated. I am not brave, I have no rhythm, I am tone deaf, I am not much of a leader or a teacher, and I am not especially good at team work nor am I very innovative. However, I work at a camp. An adventure camp to be specific. With lots of high ropes, water sports, archery, riflery, and a worship team. I am not certified in any of the special activities and I can't help with the worship team. How does this work? When I first came here last summer I felt like I had made a really big mistake. I felt like I could not be of any use here. I still feel that way sometimes. Just yesterday I told someone I don't like adventure and they said "well you're in the wrong place then." So why did I come back? I still ask myself that sometimes. It is tough sometimes being surrounded by people with a skill set that is either very different from yours or much more various than yours or both, but I am continually reminded of two things. Number one: it aint me who is awesome, it's God. So the first reason I am here is because I'm pretty sure He wants me here. He can use anyone anywhere, because He's God and he has chosen to use ME HERE and that might seem like an odd choice, but I'm ok with it because it's God and I'm thinking He knows what He's doing. The second thing I'm constantly being reminded of here is that He HAS given me some gifts. They aren't necessarily the same gifts as those around me. I don't necessarily have as many gifts or as much of a variety as gifts as others, and I'm not necessarily as well versed at using my gifts as others are, but I think He has given me gifts that He wants to help me learn how to use.
So that's my little speech, but here is the story I promised you:
Last year a couple weeks into camp I was feeling pretty down. I had tried really hard to get certified, but it didn't work so I was leading a lot of random activities that don't require certifications. People were trying to convince me that people were needed for these activities too and that there were not a whole lot of people who could bring as much enthusiasm and energy to these random activities as I could, but I didn't necessarily believe them. Then something quite interesting happened. I heard that someone was still needed to work one on one with a guest who was coming to the camp for the rest of the summer. I already had experience working one on one with people and it's something I love to do. Not only that, but just because of the way this camp works the only people who could switch over to this other job were female assistant cabin leaders which just happens to be what I was. However, I have a lot of trouble with confidence, so I thought to myself: I won't be good at this, someone else will do a better job. So I didn't tell them I wanted to do it and, though I didn't know it, they kept searching with no real leads. I did do one good thing though, I prayed. It was kind of a funny prayer, but it worked. This is what I prayed "Hey God, I really want to do this thing, but I don't think You want me to. I think You probably haven't called or equipped me to do this. You are probably going to provide someone who would be much better at this. However, just in case I am misunderstanding You, I want You to know that I really do want to do whatever You want me to do. Therefore, if You actually want me to do this, You know how my mind works better than anyone and You know how to change it and I would love for You to change my mind to suit Your will, whatever Your will is."
So a little while after I prayed that slightly odd prayer one of my boss/ supervisor type people came up to me and said they still needed someone to do this job and they thought I would be good at it, would I be willing? I was blown away. God knows that I have trouble saying no to people when they need my help, and He also knows that I needed to know that someone else thought I could do the job and that there was no one else available who was capable or willing to do a better job. He knew how to change my mind and He did. It was kind of funny in a way.
Anyways that is my story from last year. The moral is that God doesn't just utilise super duper awesome folks, he can utilise you too, have no fear. It's a lesson I'm learning again and again and again, but hey that's ok. Here's to continued learning.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Pros and Cons
Choices/Pros/Cons
·
Masters of Library Science
Pros
1.
It opens up a larger variety of
work opportunities than the librarian technician college program.
2.
It would let me work in a small
town where there are fewer librarians in each branch.
3.
It could lead to being the head
of the children’s department which would mean puppet shoes and program
planning.
Cons
1.
Masters programs are hard.
2.
Being a librarian involves computers.
3.
Libraries may be going extinct.
·
Library Technician College
Program
Pros
1.
It is quicker than the masters
program.
2.
It is probably easier than the
masters program.
3.
It might make it easier to get
jobs within big cities where there are more technicians hired than librarians.
Cons
1.
Being a library technician
involves computers.
2.
Libraries may be going extinct.
3.
It would be harder to work in a
small town.
4.
It wouldn’t let me be the head
of a children’s department.
5.
It offers less of a variety of
types of employment.
·
Teacher’s college
Pros
1.
It is just one year.
2.
It would let me work with kids.
3.
It would make my BA seem
useful.
Cons
1.
There are no teaching jobs.
2.
I sometimes have a hard time
explaining things to kids.
·
Staying in Peterborough after
school and trying to find work.
Pros
1.
I get to stay in Peterborough
with my friends, church, the lovely river, my favourite coffee shop, and the
places where I love to volunteer.
2.
I would get a break from
school.
3.
I wouldn’t have to work the job
I found forever. I could always go back to school.
4.
It is easy to find a place to
live there that is relatively cheap because I could keep living in student
housing.
5.
I have enough money saved up to
live for at least the summer maybe longer if I could find a place to sublet for
a bit. If I couldn’t find work, I could always move back in with my mum in St.
Thomas after my temporary rent was up and just be a bum till I make a new plan
or work at Starwood.
Cons
1.
There are very few jobs in
Peterborough.
2.
There is a lot of competition
for every job.
3.
I don’t have a lot of lovely
looking work experience.
OR
·
Go to college for a program
other than library technician (For example: Early Childhood Educator, or that one
job that takes a three year college program and has something to do with
working in a class room with students with exceptionalities that I forget what
the name is)
Pros
·
I can choose something I
actually want to do instead of just doing something that is available to me
based on the education that I did just because I wanted to do it for fun.
·
College is supposed to get you
a job quicker than university.
Cons
·
More school
·
More money
·
More research
·
What if I still don’t get a
job.
Friday, 5 July 2013
When You Hate Yourself For Being Different
A little while ago, I found myself asking this question: why does everyone say you need to love yourself when we are so messed up with badness. I talked about this a bit in my discussion of forgiveness (of self and others) here - http://aragtaghooligan.blogspot.ca/2013/06/for-times-when-you-sort-of-kind-of-just.html but I have something else to say on this subject. I think that sometimes we fall into the trap of hating something about ourselves that isn't even bad. I think we sometimes hate things about ourselves because we see that other people don't like these aspects of our personality and we assume that this means that it is something really bad. HOWEVER, in the past seven weeks of living in Quebec and working at camp and discussing all sorts of complicated things with my friends I have come to the following conclusion: It is possible for two people to be different in such a way that their differences cause them difficulties with communication without the differences being rooted in a sin or bad trait in either person. If you went to kindergarten ever (and even if you're like me and you never did go to kindergarten) you probably know that people are like snowflakes. We are all different. The world would be boring if we were all the same and it would also be difficult to get anything done because everyone would have the same skills and some skills would be had by no one. It takes all types of people to make things work. Or in Christianese: we are the body of Christ and we all have different God given gifts. We pretty much all know this, but it is hard to actually walk it out. Part of the difficulty is to work with people we don't understand and who may annoy us, but for me I also find it difficult not to hate myself when I know that other people have difficulties with my personality. It is good to try to understand how others work, it is good to try to respect others by not doing what annoys them if you know that something you often do annoys them, but I don't think it is necessary to go and hate yourself because you aren't like them. It truly is ok to be different.
Sunday, 16 June 2013
A little meditation on my trip and a rant about why I aint down with being reasonable.
I have decided that I'm not a fan of realism. I just got back from a rather impractically planned adventure. I took a twelve-ish hour bus ride to north eastern Quebec to learn French for five weeks. For starters it was impractical because my bus left at 12 am, or something crazy like that. Why would I buy a ticket for such an ungodly hour? Especially when I live in a super sketchy town. It was because of the second impractical aspect of this whole adventure. I didn't speak French, like at all. I knew how to say "Good day, or morning, or night, my name is Laurissa, I do not know, and I do not understand, but it is very poetic, and I like potatoes, yes! good? Well? Bad? No? Maybe. Excuse me thank you my friend." (That is literally very close to all I knew how to say but you'd be surprised how many different things you can say by rearranging the words in that sentence.) So I didn't know French and I had signed a sheet promising to only speak French for five weeks. I was going to be living in a stranger's house and going to school with more strangers and I wouldn't be able to speak English with any of these strangers. To top it all off I was going to arrive alone in a strange city where few people spoke my language after a 12 hour bus ride and have to figure out how to get a taxi. I didn't want to face this mountain at night so I left in the night so I would arrive in the day. It wasn't a very reasonable thing to do, it could have been dangerous. But at the last minute my roommate volunteered to drive me to the bus station and all is well that ends well.
The day we all got sorted into our classes the head of the program spoke to us in English one final time. He said that everyone in class one or two (I was in class one) was very courageous, and in my head I wondered if he was using courageous as a synonym for foolish. The whole first week I kept asking myself what I was doing there. I didn't understand my professor and it seemed like everybody else did. I didn't understand my roommates who were in class six and could have full out conversations with each other or with our host. I definitely didn't understand our host. I was relived that my roommates could do most of the talking, but he kept asking me questions and trying to include me in the conversation and challenging me to use French and I just really wanted to go hide. Nothing about this makes me think going there was a reasonable decision and in that first week I wondered "Why did I waste money to come here? I'm probably not going to learn anything. I'm too stupid. Everyone else here is smarter than me. I am slow in English and in French I'm down right stupid. Everyone probably hates me." But you know what? Five weeks later and I made friends, learned French, got better at charades and interpreting context, learned about a culture very important to my country, and grew as a person. It wasn't a very reasonable decision but I'm glad I made it.
When my five weeks were up I got on a bus at about ten in the morning on a Friday and finally got off my last bus at about 12:30 on the Saturday. Everyone kept asking me why I was travelling so far.Was I from that far away? Nope. I was going to a wedding. Yep that's right, more than 24 hours on a bus or in a bus station just for one day and night reunited with old friends to celebrate the marriage of a lady I look up to very much. Not only that but I got there about a half an hour before the ceremony started and had to change into my dress in the church bathroom. Please tell me what about this is reasonable? But you know what? I am so happy I did this. The close call was stressful but it makes a funny story and it was so worth all the hours and money I put into travelling to see all these people again and celebrate the love of one of the ladies I look up to.
All of this pondering was brought on by a conversation I had in broken French with my lovely colocataire in Quebec. I had been reading this book about this pastor's wife who was very poor and couldn't have babies so she went and adopted 12 unwanted children because she just wanted to love on them even though she and her husband didn't really have the funds. It worked out though. One way or another those babies were clothed, fed, and loved. So I read this book and I was like holy cracker jacks screw school I just want to be a mum, I just want to be done school and married and opening up my doors and my cupboards and my arms to all the broken, lonely, hungry, unloved children in this here world. Why is loving so complicated I wailed in broken French. Why do I need a husband and money and a house and food and to be approved by an adoption company and probably a job why can't I just get on with loving the world? And I would just like to say that I love my colocataire and I think she is a lovely poetic lady with a giant ocean of a heart and so much love its just that she also has a drop of reason, but its a good solid balance to all her poetry.
I think she said something along the lines of that I need money and maturity and things like that to make my love helpful. It's all well and good to open up our arms with good intentions but if we don't add a bit of reason to those intentions we could end up making a mess of our attempts to love the universe.
And there is truth in that. Want to know what I mean? Just read or listen to some academic discourse about the true complexities of helping out overseas and how guilt ridden rich people can sometimes cause more pain than joy in their attempts to ease their guilt in a week long volunteer trip.
So yeah there is some truth in it, but I'm still not convinced. And I mean nothing bad to my lovely colocataire. It's just that, some of the best things that have been done in this world were done by people that everyone thought were fools, until they succeeded.
Also lets look at Jesus. The biggest fool ever if that story ended differently. He stood up to the authorities and spoke with authority that no person had given him. He hung out with the outcasts. He didn't fight back at his death. What the heck Jesus? What the heck?
But He was the Son of God dawg and His death saved lives and his wacky way of life? Well billions everywhere are stumbling in those wacky footsteps.
The problem is a lot of people have done a lot of horrible things in the name of the greater good, in the name of God. But if its really Jesus your following your steps may seem crazy in the moment but they are really the best steps you could take.
Sometimes it pays to take risks and to walk outside of the realm of reason. Sometimes it ruins lives. It all depends. Are you following a reason greater than that of the masses (like Jesus did) or are you just going off of your own unreasonable reason? Cause that could get any of us in trouble.
P.S. the first examples I used are not so much examples of following Jesus' radical life as they are just relatable metaphors for unreasonable movements and an explanation of how my thought process got sparked and a fun commentary on my life recently.
The day we all got sorted into our classes the head of the program spoke to us in English one final time. He said that everyone in class one or two (I was in class one) was very courageous, and in my head I wondered if he was using courageous as a synonym for foolish. The whole first week I kept asking myself what I was doing there. I didn't understand my professor and it seemed like everybody else did. I didn't understand my roommates who were in class six and could have full out conversations with each other or with our host. I definitely didn't understand our host. I was relived that my roommates could do most of the talking, but he kept asking me questions and trying to include me in the conversation and challenging me to use French and I just really wanted to go hide. Nothing about this makes me think going there was a reasonable decision and in that first week I wondered "Why did I waste money to come here? I'm probably not going to learn anything. I'm too stupid. Everyone else here is smarter than me. I am slow in English and in French I'm down right stupid. Everyone probably hates me." But you know what? Five weeks later and I made friends, learned French, got better at charades and interpreting context, learned about a culture very important to my country, and grew as a person. It wasn't a very reasonable decision but I'm glad I made it.
When my five weeks were up I got on a bus at about ten in the morning on a Friday and finally got off my last bus at about 12:30 on the Saturday. Everyone kept asking me why I was travelling so far.Was I from that far away? Nope. I was going to a wedding. Yep that's right, more than 24 hours on a bus or in a bus station just for one day and night reunited with old friends to celebrate the marriage of a lady I look up to very much. Not only that but I got there about a half an hour before the ceremony started and had to change into my dress in the church bathroom. Please tell me what about this is reasonable? But you know what? I am so happy I did this. The close call was stressful but it makes a funny story and it was so worth all the hours and money I put into travelling to see all these people again and celebrate the love of one of the ladies I look up to.
All of this pondering was brought on by a conversation I had in broken French with my lovely colocataire in Quebec. I had been reading this book about this pastor's wife who was very poor and couldn't have babies so she went and adopted 12 unwanted children because she just wanted to love on them even though she and her husband didn't really have the funds. It worked out though. One way or another those babies were clothed, fed, and loved. So I read this book and I was like holy cracker jacks screw school I just want to be a mum, I just want to be done school and married and opening up my doors and my cupboards and my arms to all the broken, lonely, hungry, unloved children in this here world. Why is loving so complicated I wailed in broken French. Why do I need a husband and money and a house and food and to be approved by an adoption company and probably a job why can't I just get on with loving the world? And I would just like to say that I love my colocataire and I think she is a lovely poetic lady with a giant ocean of a heart and so much love its just that she also has a drop of reason, but its a good solid balance to all her poetry.
I think she said something along the lines of that I need money and maturity and things like that to make my love helpful. It's all well and good to open up our arms with good intentions but if we don't add a bit of reason to those intentions we could end up making a mess of our attempts to love the universe.
And there is truth in that. Want to know what I mean? Just read or listen to some academic discourse about the true complexities of helping out overseas and how guilt ridden rich people can sometimes cause more pain than joy in their attempts to ease their guilt in a week long volunteer trip.
So yeah there is some truth in it, but I'm still not convinced. And I mean nothing bad to my lovely colocataire. It's just that, some of the best things that have been done in this world were done by people that everyone thought were fools, until they succeeded.
Also lets look at Jesus. The biggest fool ever if that story ended differently. He stood up to the authorities and spoke with authority that no person had given him. He hung out with the outcasts. He didn't fight back at his death. What the heck Jesus? What the heck?
But He was the Son of God dawg and His death saved lives and his wacky way of life? Well billions everywhere are stumbling in those wacky footsteps.
The problem is a lot of people have done a lot of horrible things in the name of the greater good, in the name of God. But if its really Jesus your following your steps may seem crazy in the moment but they are really the best steps you could take.
Sometimes it pays to take risks and to walk outside of the realm of reason. Sometimes it ruins lives. It all depends. Are you following a reason greater than that of the masses (like Jesus did) or are you just going off of your own unreasonable reason? Cause that could get any of us in trouble.
P.S. the first examples I used are not so much examples of following Jesus' radical life as they are just relatable metaphors for unreasonable movements and an explanation of how my thought process got sparked and a fun commentary on my life recently.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Confessions of a Loner
One of the things I have struggled with most in my life is loneliness. It started when I was a little kid. I was homeschooled and we didn't have a car so we never got to attend events with our home school group. I did have my sister and a couple kids to play with in the neighbourhood. My church had like no youth group or anything during the week. There was Sunday school but there weren't really any other kids my age at my church. Everyone was younger or older. I blame my mum for wishing that if she ever got pregnant again no one would be pregnant at the same time because she hated the competitive comparisons: "my baby sleeps through the night" "my baby is already walking" "my baby said mommy" "my baby goes pee pee in the potty" "blah blah blah," It is all well and good that she wanted me to be able to grow up at my own pace, but I would have liked some company.
The other problem was that I have always been a little odd. For starters I am extremely emotional. You may think that now I get angry or sad way too easy and take it way too seriously when I don't understand, but you should have seen me when I was a kid. I have issues with emotions. I get that and I've been working my whole life at learning how to express them appropriately.
It seems to me like my quirks just grew as I grew.
I spent so much time alone as a kid that I started to become my own person. I didn't spend enough time around other people to learn how to change myself in accordance with the likes, interests, and behaviors of those around me. This is a good thing, I think. It means I never really experienced not knowing who I am. I've always struggled to figure out how I fit in the world, but I've always known who I am because I have never had a chance to be anyone but me.
It's funny because everyone always says "be yourself" and people always talk about the tragedy of not knowing who you are, but here I am being myself and no one ever knows what to think of it.
An interesting lesson I learned in high school (when I finally started public school in grade nine) is that patients are very useful. When I began high school no one really liked me. I made friends very slowly and I drove a lot of people crazy, for good reason. It wasn't just that I was weird. I was also very annoying because I was really stressed out by all the changes and hadn't figured out how to deal with my emotions. With time, however, a surprising majority of the people in my school warmed up to me and I even made a couple good friends. It was funny to watch. I might have matured a little, but not very much. It was the others who changed. They got used to me, and they began to understand me, and they decided they liked me. I still don't really understand it.
It makes short events like summer jobs, summer school, and camps really hard for me because people don't have enough time to get used to me and get to know me.
I've been told many times that I should just be happy for the friends I do have and I should learn to be happy inside of myself in a way that doesn't depend on my surroundings.
This is all well and good, but oh so much harder to do then to say.
The funny thing is that these days it doesn't actually bother me to be alone, but it bothers me that no one wants to hang out with me.
When I was a kid I was a naturally social person, but after all the difficulty that this caused me I started spending more and more time alone. I didn't really like to play alone but I loved to read alone. I also really loved repetitive actions like raking, sweeping, digging holes, scootering, rollerblading, and biking. I would entertain myself for hours on end with these activities, and this is how I became little miss analytical Laurissa. I had nothing to do with my life, so I thought about stuff. I learned to love this way of life, and now I need some time to myself to think or read and just let my brain be quieted. However, I still long for that true sense of belonging. I've almost tasted it a few times but not really. I like being alone, but I also want to belong. I've always been the weird one that people grow to love but never really welcome into the gang.
I know my self worth doesn't come from belonging, but longing for it is an emotion that I just can't let go of.
The other problem was that I have always been a little odd. For starters I am extremely emotional. You may think that now I get angry or sad way too easy and take it way too seriously when I don't understand, but you should have seen me when I was a kid. I have issues with emotions. I get that and I've been working my whole life at learning how to express them appropriately.
It seems to me like my quirks just grew as I grew.
I spent so much time alone as a kid that I started to become my own person. I didn't spend enough time around other people to learn how to change myself in accordance with the likes, interests, and behaviors of those around me. This is a good thing, I think. It means I never really experienced not knowing who I am. I've always struggled to figure out how I fit in the world, but I've always known who I am because I have never had a chance to be anyone but me.
It's funny because everyone always says "be yourself" and people always talk about the tragedy of not knowing who you are, but here I am being myself and no one ever knows what to think of it.
An interesting lesson I learned in high school (when I finally started public school in grade nine) is that patients are very useful. When I began high school no one really liked me. I made friends very slowly and I drove a lot of people crazy, for good reason. It wasn't just that I was weird. I was also very annoying because I was really stressed out by all the changes and hadn't figured out how to deal with my emotions. With time, however, a surprising majority of the people in my school warmed up to me and I even made a couple good friends. It was funny to watch. I might have matured a little, but not very much. It was the others who changed. They got used to me, and they began to understand me, and they decided they liked me. I still don't really understand it.
It makes short events like summer jobs, summer school, and camps really hard for me because people don't have enough time to get used to me and get to know me.
I've been told many times that I should just be happy for the friends I do have and I should learn to be happy inside of myself in a way that doesn't depend on my surroundings.
This is all well and good, but oh so much harder to do then to say.
The funny thing is that these days it doesn't actually bother me to be alone, but it bothers me that no one wants to hang out with me.
When I was a kid I was a naturally social person, but after all the difficulty that this caused me I started spending more and more time alone. I didn't really like to play alone but I loved to read alone. I also really loved repetitive actions like raking, sweeping, digging holes, scootering, rollerblading, and biking. I would entertain myself for hours on end with these activities, and this is how I became little miss analytical Laurissa. I had nothing to do with my life, so I thought about stuff. I learned to love this way of life, and now I need some time to myself to think or read and just let my brain be quieted. However, I still long for that true sense of belonging. I've almost tasted it a few times but not really. I like being alone, but I also want to belong. I've always been the weird one that people grow to love but never really welcome into the gang.
I know my self worth doesn't come from belonging, but longing for it is an emotion that I just can't let go of.
Monday, 10 June 2013
To everyone I have ever known
To every person who has ever entered my life,
I want you to know how often I think about all who I have met. I think about all the people in the eight different churches and Christian youth organizations I was involved with growing up. I think about my old neighbours. I think about the people I met at our cottage. I think about the people I went to high school with. I think about the people I met on my volunteer trip to Kansas. I think about the other people in the park the two times I went camping with my extended family. I think about the people I met in Nemaska. I think about the people at Medeba. Of course I think often of my family in St. Thomas and of my friends and all the other people I have met in Peterborough, and when I leave here I will think often about all the people I met in Riviere-du-Loup.
There are some faces in my mind that are missing their names, a few names that have lost their faces, and I am sure there are some people who have slipped completely into the shadows of my mind. After all, there are more people who have entered my life than just the ones I met in the above places. There are people I smiled at wordlessly or said hello to on the streets or on a bus and there are strangers I waited in the bus station with for hours without even exchanging one word.
I have remembered more of you than you might believe, but even if I have forgotten some of you it is ok because, for better or for worse, big or small, you touched my heart and changed my life. Through that change a shadow of you is with me always.
I am learning to accept how many of you have become shadows in my life. Goodbyes are always hard and there have been times when I've struggled to embrace a moment because I was overwhelmed by the pain of knowing how quickly it would be over. There was a time when I wanted everything to last forever, but that isn't how this life thing works.
You touched my heart and now you are but a shadow in my mind and that's ok. I am a better person because of you. Whether you taught me strength through causing me pain or through building me up, you helped me on my way. For that I am thankful. Yes some of you are so poetic I want to make you small and carry you with me in my pocket wherever I go. Yes I long to gather you all together in one room, but that's not how this life thing works. You are where you are and I am here thinking of you but also enjoying the people I am with now, and I can't explain why this is beautiful even though it is sad, but I think it is and I'm at peace with it.
Now all that is left to say is thank you, for being who you are and for touching me how you did. I hope that whoever you are and wherever you are you are learning to be joyful.
Love
Laurissa
I want you to know how often I think about all who I have met. I think about all the people in the eight different churches and Christian youth organizations I was involved with growing up. I think about my old neighbours. I think about the people I met at our cottage. I think about the people I went to high school with. I think about the people I met on my volunteer trip to Kansas. I think about the other people in the park the two times I went camping with my extended family. I think about the people I met in Nemaska. I think about the people at Medeba. Of course I think often of my family in St. Thomas and of my friends and all the other people I have met in Peterborough, and when I leave here I will think often about all the people I met in Riviere-du-Loup.
There are some faces in my mind that are missing their names, a few names that have lost their faces, and I am sure there are some people who have slipped completely into the shadows of my mind. After all, there are more people who have entered my life than just the ones I met in the above places. There are people I smiled at wordlessly or said hello to on the streets or on a bus and there are strangers I waited in the bus station with for hours without even exchanging one word.
I have remembered more of you than you might believe, but even if I have forgotten some of you it is ok because, for better or for worse, big or small, you touched my heart and changed my life. Through that change a shadow of you is with me always.
I am learning to accept how many of you have become shadows in my life. Goodbyes are always hard and there have been times when I've struggled to embrace a moment because I was overwhelmed by the pain of knowing how quickly it would be over. There was a time when I wanted everything to last forever, but that isn't how this life thing works.
You touched my heart and now you are but a shadow in my mind and that's ok. I am a better person because of you. Whether you taught me strength through causing me pain or through building me up, you helped me on my way. For that I am thankful. Yes some of you are so poetic I want to make you small and carry you with me in my pocket wherever I go. Yes I long to gather you all together in one room, but that's not how this life thing works. You are where you are and I am here thinking of you but also enjoying the people I am with now, and I can't explain why this is beautiful even though it is sad, but I think it is and I'm at peace with it.
Now all that is left to say is thank you, for being who you are and for touching me how you did. I hope that whoever you are and wherever you are you are learning to be joyful.
Love
Laurissa
Sunday, 9 June 2013
Ode to Peterborough
Dear Peterborough.
I grew up in the part of South Western Ontario where small towns are wedged between soft cornfields and ocean-like great lakes. I lived and worked for six weeks in a quaint Northern town with just one store where four year olds wondered alone quite safely because everyone knew each other. I have visited and lived in towns so small that people know that you're a visitor. I have seen majestic rivers bordered by large rolling hills. I have visited multicultural urban cities and crumbling historical sites, but the place that I call home, the place where my heart is happiest, is just a boring old mid sized city situated on either side of a skinny dirty river.
But Peterborough, you are so much more than that to me.
Many others say you're too small to be interesting and too big to be quaint, but I know better.
I've walked past your pub patios on Friday nights in the summer time and heard the poetic mix of music and laughter that is night life done right and I've walked past little shops and cafes and bumped into friends on every corner in a way that makes you seem just about as quaint as can be.
And I know there are places with beauty that is more fit for a post card than yours is, because I've seen them. But Peterborough, you know I don't like my poetry in a can. I don't care much for beauty that anyone can see in just a second. I like to search for my beauty. You make it easy to find, but not too easy. I like that about you.
I love how you offer quiet country and forests within the bustle of a city.
I love your zoo, your river, your bridges, your market, your food not bombs, your hilly views, but most of all, dear dear Peterborough, I love your people.
When I stop to wonder why I love you so, that is biggest reason.
You are the first place I ever really and truly felt at home.
Thank you.
I miss you, but don't you worry. I will return.
Laurissa.
I grew up in the part of South Western Ontario where small towns are wedged between soft cornfields and ocean-like great lakes. I lived and worked for six weeks in a quaint Northern town with just one store where four year olds wondered alone quite safely because everyone knew each other. I have visited and lived in towns so small that people know that you're a visitor. I have seen majestic rivers bordered by large rolling hills. I have visited multicultural urban cities and crumbling historical sites, but the place that I call home, the place where my heart is happiest, is just a boring old mid sized city situated on either side of a skinny dirty river.
But Peterborough, you are so much more than that to me.
Many others say you're too small to be interesting and too big to be quaint, but I know better.
I've walked past your pub patios on Friday nights in the summer time and heard the poetic mix of music and laughter that is night life done right and I've walked past little shops and cafes and bumped into friends on every corner in a way that makes you seem just about as quaint as can be.
And I know there are places with beauty that is more fit for a post card than yours is, because I've seen them. But Peterborough, you know I don't like my poetry in a can. I don't care much for beauty that anyone can see in just a second. I like to search for my beauty. You make it easy to find, but not too easy. I like that about you.
I love how you offer quiet country and forests within the bustle of a city.
I love your zoo, your river, your bridges, your market, your food not bombs, your hilly views, but most of all, dear dear Peterborough, I love your people.
When I stop to wonder why I love you so, that is biggest reason.
You are the first place I ever really and truly felt at home.
Thank you.
I miss you, but don't you worry. I will return.
Laurissa.
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