Exestential Crisis in a Shopping Mall

So, yesterday some friends of mine were visiting from out of town and we went shopping, you know typical past time for four twenty something young women. However, I - a twenty something young woman - hate shopping. Which really isn't that rare and I've never questioned this before. I have always accepted that I like to save my money because I have an irrational fear of  homelessness and I have a very practical outlook on clothes (I like to wear comfortable utilitarian things that will keep me warm in Winter and appropriately covered in summer because I don't live in a Nudist colony). I don't mind accompanying my friends while they shop, though, it's a nice opportunity to chat with my people and there is always fun upbeat music to dance to if you get bored, but as I was hanging out with them and they were talking about different colours and styles I suddenly started to question everything I know about myself. Why don't I like fashion??? I love art of all kinds. I draw, write, and act. Even though I am limited from exceling in certain art forms because I have no rhythm, am tone deaf, and have no hand-eye coordination I still enjoy watching or listening to professional musicians and dancers and I still dance, sing, and make pottery and jewelry and stuff when I'm around people I know won't make fun of me for failing. I just love self expression and creative communication, and isn't that what fashion is all about? So why am I not into fashion? I think there definitely is a practical and utilitarian component to my lack of interest in fashion. I remember when I was a little kid being so frustrated with my mom for making me wear dresses to church because right after church I'd be running around with other kids (interesting note: there were few kids really my age most of the other kids were boys a little younger than me) playing tag, crawling under the chairs, jumping off the stairs, and trying to climb up the side of the ramp and my mom would have to remind me to be careful that I wasn't showing the world my underwear in the midst of all of this. I was a hyper child and pants were just so much easier to play in so when I finally convinced my mom to let me wear pants it was a utilitarian desire and had nothing to do with fashion. In fact, I remember the first thing my mom let me wear instead of a dress was a one piece shorts/t-shirt button up thing that was purple with little white flowers. It was just as cute and girly as a dress but it let me run and play and I loved it. I do a lot less running and playing these days, but I still like to sit however I want and climb the odd tree and pants are just more comfortable. I do sometimes wear fancy scarves and sweaters and even the odd sundress in the summer so maybe I do enjoy self expression in fashion but don't fully embrace fashion for utilitarian reasons. However, I think there is more to it than that. I have a couple different memories from grade nine and ten on this subject that have stayed with me. One has to do with my hair which I cut super short right before I started high school and it ballooned out like a mushroom for all of grade nine. People were always telling me to straighten it so I did finally buy a straightener, but I bought a cheap one which didn't work very well and it took forever to straighten it every morning so I gave up. You might think this just shows that I am lazy and cheap, which is probably also true, but - like I said - I think it is more complicated than that because there were a couple times where I let other people straighten my hair with their intense expensive straighteners (not for fun mind you, it was part for a skit we were doing in my drama class about night mares, I'll do anything for the theatre) and I had it straight the whole day and everyone complimented me on it and those compliments frustrated me because I felt like they were say "everyday you is ugly".  Another time I wore mascara to school for fun. Now, I applied it myself, and I had never worn mascara before so I probably looked like a crazy person, but EVERYONE complimented me on it and I remember thinking they were just happy that I was trying to be normal. You might think this is one of those weird Laurissa conspiracies but I actually got a note one time in English class (yeah I know, I was alive at a time when people passed notes because not everyone had a cell phone, I'm so old) from this girl saying something like "I can help you learn how to dress, wear makeup, and do your hair so you can fit in." I think she meant well but I had seen Ten Things I Hate About You and I was familiar with the Taming of the Shrew type story line and I knew that we need to learn to love people for who they are rather than attempt to mold them into something loveable so I declined, but now maybe you understand my deeper frustrations with fashion. It isn't just that you have to be careful when climbing trees or eating ketchup if you are wearing a nice white dress or that doing hair and makeup every morning costs money and takes time, but I am deeply worried that people will like me not for who I am or the smart things I think or say or the kind things I do but for the way I dress. Is that a legitimate concern though? I mean I compliment people on their eyes, hair, clothes and jewelry all the time. It doesn't mean I think they are not capable of deep thought or that I'm not interested in accepting them for who they are but just want to congratulate them for following social norms. All I'm doing with a compliment like that is saying "Yo, you put effort into skillfully and artistically expressing yourself and I'm impressed." What's wrong with that? I mean beauty is a legit thing. I wouldn't be offended if someone said "Dang son, look at that sunset!" or "Holy stars Batman" or "Oh my golly gee that peacock has a nice tail." We aren't objectifying nature, we are appreciating it's natural beauty. And ok, female beauty often has to do with social norms, but so what? I mean if social norms say "Laurissa be skinny to an unhealthy point" I'ma be like "No freaking way bro." But if social norms say "Laurissa, at this time in history it is considered beautiful in Canada to have straight hair so go buy a straightener" what is wrong with saying ok? I mean I still think we should have the option to say "Nope, my hair is not naturally straight but I still think it's beautiful so there bro." And that brings us back to the idea of fashion as self expression, but people aren't evil for going along with social norms. So why am I so afraid of having people like me because they think I am naturally beautiful or because I've artfully enacted a style that is currently popular in my society instead of because I said something smart? I mean it doesn't bother me if people laugh at me when I say something that is currently accepted as funny in my society. That makes me feel good so why does fashion make me uncomfortable and am I wrong to have been fighting a one woman war against it all these years by on purpose wearing mostly simply utilitarian and comfortable clothes?

Trees

Once upon a time, there was a tree which grew in front of the kitchen window of a tiny little farm house. It had been planted by a farmer for his wife who was sad when she moved away from her childhood home, so he had taken a seed from the tree by her old bedroom window and planted it near their house to remind her that this place could be their home now. As the tree grew so too did these people. They grew taller and wiser as they learned more about farming, marriage, and life. The woman’s belly grew, and then shrunk as a new baby entered the earth. Her belly grew and shrunk four more times and every time it shrunk again there was another baby. Eventually every baby grew into a man or a woman and they left their parents who had by this time begun shrinking in size. The couple’s hair had turned quite gray, yet still the tree grew on. The woman still looked out the window at it and smiled, although now she was often not remembering the home of her childhood, but the earlier years of this home when her children would play in the branches of the tree. One day the old man was no longer there to be seen and the woman would look upon the tree and weep in memory of the one who had planted it for her. Then there was a day when all the children came back, much older now with children of their own, and they took the old woman away to a nursing home and sold the house. At this time, the house itself was beginning to crumble and fall apart and the tree, which had endured many a storm, was beginning to lean too close to a power line. The new owners of the property took down both the house and the tree and began to build up tall office buildings and apartments all over the old farm land. However, before they could cut down the tree the wind swept up its seed and planted it upon a hill where grew a little sapling. This sapling was very sad and lonely because none of the people in these new buildings ever looked upon it and smiled for they were too busy looking at their computer screens. One day, though, after the little sapling had grown a bit, a little bird came to rest in the tree’s branches and sing the song of its people. This made the tree very happy, but one day the weather grew cold and its leaves started to dance away from its branches and the bird sang out “My time has come, I must bid you fair well” and, just like that, it flew away. The tree had no choice but to stay where it was and watch until the bird was nothing but a spec on the horizon. Slowly all the tree’s leaves fell down and withered and the tree was sure it was dying, but still it stood. The earth grew cold and barren. Although the sky sent down a blanket of snow to keep the tree warm, its heart felt cold with loneliness and it grew bitter and angry with the entire universe. Then one day something happened which felt like a miracle to the tree! The sun began to warm the earth once more, and even the tree’s own heart became warm as its sap ran once again and its branches grew new buds. With this beautiful spring the bird came back, for birds are migratory creatures and they never leave the trees they love forever. The bird told the tree such lovely stories of the other lands it had visited and the adventures it had along the way. The bird asked the tree what it had been doing so the tree told the bird about the cold and empty winter and the bird shuddered at the thought and wondered aloud why anyone would stay during the winter. The tree found itself wondering the same thing and wishing it had wings to fly away with the bird, but it didn’t so that Autumn the bird once again left the tree alone to weather the Winter. This time, however, the tree knew the bird was coming back, so it was  filled with a deep peace that made it possible to notice the beauty of the snow falling and the way it sparkled and twinkled beneath the streetlights. The tree also noticed the bright and colourful Christmas lights that the people in the city put up and the wonderful songs that they sang. That spring, when the bird came back, the tree had such lovely stories of its own to tell all about the joys of winter. “That does sound cool” said the bird. “Does it make you want to stay?” asked the tree. “No” the bird said “This land is still too cold for me. You should come away with me.” “I can’t” said the tree “this is the land where grew the tree that came before me, it is the land of my people, the land where I grew my roots, and I must stay.” The bird still did not understand, but the tree finally did and that was enough. 

Do Twenty Somethings Need to Grow Faster or Slower?

As a university graduate who is headed back to school and who still feels like I'm fumbling and stumbling through life in complete and utter confusion, I have been grappling with the question of whether we are asking our youth to grow too fast or whether we aren't putting enough pressure on them to grow up. On one hand I feel pressured to have it all figured out. All around me I see my old classmates getting good jobs, falling in love, buying houses, and having cute babies. This makes me wish wandering was more normal. I feel we shouldn't be pressured to have it all figured out by our early twenties because we should always be growing and learning and making new choices to get closer to where we should go. On the other hand I also hear stories about forty year olds still dwelling in their parents basements and spending most of their time on video games. Clearly I am not the only one wandering, but am I in good company or are we all failures who need to get a hold of our lives? I think maybe we do need to realise that (as cliché as it sounds) growing up is not a destination, but a process. We need to stop acting like we just need to figure out what we believe, who we love, and what career is best for us and then get to that glory life as fast as we can because growing up is something that we should never be done doing and what is more important is growing in love, not in money or status. However, wandering probably is too prevalent in my society. Progress is good. Don't stop moving, but maybe lost people like me need to make sure we aren't wasting our time on useless immaturity that lasts forever. Move as long as it is not in circles. Go ahead, be confused, as long as your confusion is taking you somewhere. But I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. How do I progress in love, confidence, knowledge, and understanding? Someone please show me the way. Here is to hoping that all those who wander really aren't lost.

2014

       2014 had a lot of hard parts for me and not near as much fun, adventurous, traveling as the last three years. In 2011 I went to Ottawa for a week and then spent six weeks in a small Cree village in Northern Quebec. In 2012 I went on a really long bus adventure to visit a friend of mine who was living in a small town North of Lake Superior. I lived in Quebec for five weeks in the Spring of 2013 while going to school to learn French, and then I went on two road trips for weddings during the summer. I did go to three weddings this year, but two of them were  right in my current city. One wedding was an hour or two away from my Mom's house. No buses went there so she had to rent a car to take me. That was kind of a fun adventure, but then my friend drove me back to the city where I live which is three hours away from my Mom's city and it was snowing really bad and I thought we were going to die, but we didn't so that's good.

       Another reason why 2013 was a lot more exciting than 2014 was that my nephew was born, but - to be honest - he just gets more and more exciting as he gets older. I am excited to hopefully move to his city so I can see him more often.

       One super exciting thing did happen this year: I graduated. This made me happy for a couple reasons. It is kind of nice not to have to do homework anymore, and to know that I was capable of that success. However, it is kind of sad not to have any more school. I really enjoyed it. It is also stressful, because although I am passionate about the subject of my degree and enjoyed the process, it isn't very useful so I had to go through this big long period of not knowing what to do next. Things are OK now. I have a job that I like and a plan to go back to school for a couple of years to get a better job that I will also like, perhaps even more than the one I have now. I am nervous to enact this plan, but excited too. Anyways, finding the job, and developing the plan was stressful, and graduating was bitter sweet but I loved my actual graduation day. Most people say the ceremony is superficial and boring. But I really enjoy ceremony. I think we need to take time to acknowledge that important things have happened. Anyways, my ceremony was the highlight of my year. I've been to other ceremonies with really boring speeches, but mine was pretty interesting and relatable . The best part, though, was that I had friends and family there. I didn't think anyone was going to come, but people did and that meant a BUNCH to me. Plus my mom, sister, and nephew came down for a couple days and it was kind of like a family vacation.

      I'm nervous about 2015, because so much is going to be changing. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

I am Weak

I have been getting better at dealing with my fear, despair, and self hatred. I lecture myself. All the time. I remind myself of everything and everyone that I have to be thankful for. I tell myself that the things I worry about probably won't happen. I tell myself that if they do happen it won't be the end and I'll figure out how to deal with it. I often brain storm solutions to worse case scenarios to show myself there is nothing to worry about. I remind myself that I am forgiven. I've actually gotten pretty good at that one. This is a very big deal for me. Sometimes, I still get mad at myself. Like this week I forgot that I had volunteered to help cook Christmas dinner for the kids at the youth centre where I volunteer. So I was late to the place that is sort of kind of not really my church now to help cook and I hit myself in the head pretty hard and swore out loud when I realised I'd forgotten and would be late, but such is life. There are a lot of things every day to remind myself that I am forgiven for. It makes sense that sometimes I will forget and still feel the old twinges of guilt and self hatred, but this is definitely one area where I feel like I am getting better. Even the last couple days I've been really worried and sad about something semi stupid and none of my friends or family see it as something worthy of this much upset, and out of love for me they want me to see reality the way they see it so that I can be free from pain, which makes sense. I keep telling people that I want them to just let me be sad, and just tell me it is too bad that I feel that way rather than trying to get me to be ok. This is really hard for people, no one really seems to know how to do this and it is the source of many fights for me which sucks because these people I am so mad at having nothing but love for me. Thankfully, though, this time around I've managed not to be too mad at myself for not fighting myself all the time. Fighting fear and despair is a super exhausting process that I engage in a lot, but am not always capable of. Sometimes when I give into fear and despair and allow myself to be carried away on their powerful waves I worry that everyone will be mad at me and perhaps lose their patience and abandon me. I wonder if they have good reason to do so. I wonder if, maybe, I am just letting myself fall into darkness from time to time to get attention and be reminded that I'm loved. Which I don't think is true because most people who love me do not just remind me at these times that they love me for they are almost much more focused on reminding me that I need to fight which just puts a lot of pressure on me and increases my fear and despair. Anyways, even if it were about that I don't think that is something worth hating myself over, the desire for love is a legit one. As someone who works a lot with children and youth I've learned that kids who act out or invent tragedies to get attention need you to give them attention for positive things and in positive situations to help them build better habits, rather than simply being lectured for their unhealthy patterns. I am sorry, I have been rambling, but there is something I'm trying to get at: maybe sometimes we need to be allowed to be weak. The thing is that I am not always capable of fighting my fear and despair. I am not going to stop trying and I appreciate that you want to encourage me not to stop, I know that means you love me. But I sometimes need to be allowed to be weak. Like a little kid who is overwhelmed by how big and scary the universe is, but finds comfort in knowing their parent is in control so they are allowed to not have to solve everything and have the privilege of just being scared while their parent fights off all the invisible boogiemen under the bed. If I can get all religious for a second, what I love about Christianity is it says that we are not superhuman and cannot wake up and just be ok, but we can find peace in knowing we are weak but God is strong, so please stop heaping expectation upon my head. I am trying to trust God and not give into fear and despair, but I want to be allowed, if not to be scared and sad than to be weak, because I am weak. If you are feeling upset because you are powerless to help me, know that I have as little power as you do. Thank you.

Metaphorical Crutches: Not Being Ashamed of my Mental/ Emotional Health Strategies

I have been thinking about the metaphor of the crutch. People talk about crutches as if they are something bad. If something is someone's crutch it's a thing that they cling to in order to avoid the responsibility of independence, but the thing is that we aren't independent. We are interdependent. We are all messed up and need help, but we have different problems and different gifts and we can lean on each other and help each other out. Crutches don't keep an injured man injured forever, they help him be able to keep waking even while his injury is still healing!

I have been thinking about the comparison between depression and cancer. This is a useful comparison to show people that things that eat away at us on a mental and emotional level are just as real and serious as physical illnesses. We cannot wake up and overpower the darkness inside of us armed only with positive thinking and sheer will power any more than a cancer patient could.

However, many of us do not struggle with mental and emotional problems resembling cancer, but more like something resembling diabetes or some other illness that probably won't kill me (if I deal with it properly), but may never go away. Just as people with long term injuries, illnesses, and people born with different abilities (like blindness or deafness) require different tools and different life strategies, many people are not in danger of suicide or completely giving up but every day they have to figure out how to live with self hatred, anxiety, and sadness.

I was thinking about this today because one thing I have to live with is that I get overwhelmed really easily. If I have too much on my plate (too many thoughts in my head) it can lead to an intense anxiety. One tool I have used forever is talking to my mom. To get all my thoughts out of my head and not just on paper but actually given to someone else who can help me work through them helps me let go of each little thing which relieves the big ball of anxiety that is created when all the little things add up. Because of this, I literally talk to my mom for hours everyday about every little thing. Sometimes I worry that this means I'm not a good adult and anyways, what am I going to do when my mom dies? My mom (practical as ever) said I'll just have to find someone else to talk to when she dies because that is a strategy that works for me, and I realised that I don't have to be ashamed of this crutch because I need it to be able to walk through my everyday life, so as long as I haven't fallen into a heap on the floor its all good. So figure out what works for you and don't be ashamed if you don't do things the way others do!

Why I Hate Essentially Everything Ever Written to Single Christians

There are so many things that I see on a daily basis that are directed towards single Christians that just make me groan. The interesting thing is that they make me groan for quite a variety of different reasons. Sometimes I will see two posts that almost contradict each other and yet both of them make me mad. I am trying to respect my single friends who have views that differ from mine. We are all stumbling along through life trying to figure it out and that’s cool, but I do want to share my perspective while admitting that I could be wrong. First I would like to talk about the phrase “Date when you are ready, not when you are lonely.” Being lonely is a legitimate problem! God created Eve because “It is not good that the man should be alone.” Christians always say that God loves us and we should value Him more than some other human, which is true, and yet Adam had God and God still gave him a partner. Yes, I hope that all my single friends will be able to find joy and peace though they are alone, but I don’t want them to feel like they are a horrible person for feeling lonely. That is a legitimate feeling. Also what the heck does it mean to be ready for a relationship? I hate this idea that we have to sit around and become perfect for our future spouse for two reasons. The first is that no one is perfect, even married people; I know this for a fact, because I have married relatives and friends. Yes, there are some tools we need to start a lifelong relationship and sometimes I am glad I am not in a relationship because I don’t have certain tools like trust and communication, but people in relationships are going to be growing and learning their whole lives just like the rest of us. The other reason that I hate this idea of waiting around perfecting myself for some dude is that it makes it seem like my life has no value until I am married and everything I am doing now is only valuable if it is preparation for the future. That’s dumb. I have value as an individual and I am doing things for others or myself that have nothing to do with some random dude I may or may not marry some day, but these things still matter. Even my growth has purpose outside of a future marriage. Will a future husband benefit from any maturing I do now? Yes, but myself and my friends and strangers on the street will also benefit from it and the difference is that we are benefiting from it now not in some magical tomorrow land. That is why I hate the tradition of talking about and writing to a future spouse. For one thing you don’t even know if they exist. You might be writing to a fictional character, and I mean there is nothing wrong with that, in fact maybe I’ll go write Anne of Green Gables a letter, but I don’t want to spend my entire life obsessing over someone who doesn’t exist. I do love that people who do this kind of stuff are acknowledging that it is not wrong to admit you are lonely and want a future spouse, but I want you to know the joys of right now! Good food and drink, friends and family, pets, nature, working hard, a child holding your hand! There are so many things that bring joy other than just romance. This is something I hate about the culture even outside of the church. I want more movies, songs, and books about something other than romance. Ok that’s it. My rant is over.