Thoughts on homeschooling

I am just now realizing how proud I am to be homeschooled and how foundational this experience was for my life. When I first started public school (in grade nine) I was really proud of being homeschooled. I soon learned not to be and, although I still talk about it fairly openly (I'm a very open person), it is no longer one of the first things you will find out about me when you meet me, but yes, I was homeschooled.

The way I see it (and I could be wrong) just from what I have experienced myself and what I have heard from other friends who were homeschooled, there seem to be three basic types which I then generalize further into two categories.

Category one: internet/ curriculum based
This category is pretty much JUST doing school at home.
If you are fully curriculum based your parent or guardian will probably act as your teacher but he or she will be led all the way by a curriculum which will tell them what to teach you and when.

If you are internet based it seems that this is pretty much just like taking an online course for a public school. In that case someone you may not even know in the real world will be teaching you, guiding what you do when, and grading your work.

Both of these options seem to include a lot of individual book work although there can also be group projects/ experiments/ and activities with siblings or with a homeschool group.

The second category is what I like to think of as learning by interest.

I have heard of people who will literally not teach until their kid asks a question. That may sound crazy at first because the system is so focused on making sure kids learn certain things by a certain time, but think how many questions kids ask that we are too busy to take the time to answer. What if those were learning opportunities missed?

My mom chose a bit of mix and match. Now the first half or more of my homeschooling days occurred before we had a computer with access to the internet, so we never used that option. My mom never taught based on one complete curriculum but she would mix and match books from different curriculums. Sometimes we did book work, and sometimes we'd do an experiment or project together, the idea of which she might have gotten from one of the books. However, she didn't JUST mix the different curriculums, for she also mixed them with her own ideas and with learning by interest. We only had curriculum books ordered specifically for certain subjects. A huge portion of our learning was thanks to the local library. We made numerous trips to the library and mom would ask us to pick an interest, something we were curious about, and we would get books out about that subject. Sometimes when we were done reading it we would create some sort of project to illustrate our knowledge.

In the two years after my sister went to high school, before I did, my learning became even more experiential. I got to pretty much choose everything I wanted to read about and because I really enjoyed hands on projects I made a ton of them to illustrate the knowledge I gained from my readings. I also got to do a lot of things like bake with my mom for "cooking class" or practice drawing flowers in the garden for "art class."

Another major part of my learning was literature. Technically literature was never on our list of things to learn. We worked on grammar and spelling work-books and had creative assignments to write poems or stories, but after being taught how to read I don't remember ever being given reading as an assignment. Instead, mum would start every day by reading aloud to us from a novel she had picked. These books would usually be above my reading level, they might have won awards, and they were often about other countries or other time periods so I was learning about stuff, but I thought we were just reading. When school was done usually I would end up dropping a book about butterflies or space or whatever, just to pick up a novel I had picked out myself. I thought reading was fun, but all the while I was growing my vocabulary, my knowledge of how meaning is made, what a good sentence sounds like, empathy, and my knowledge of the world around me. All of this was happening without me even realizing it.

So that is my experience with homeschooling. What were the benefits and was there a downside?

Benefits:

1. Learning at my own pace (I was always a slow learner because I wanted to completely grasp a concept before I moved on)
2. Having someone to talk to. There was just my mom, my sister and I. My teacher's attention was not divided between 30 kids so I could ask all my questions and discuss out loud all my confusions which is how my mind has always worked best.
3. Passions were developed. A lot of my learning was based off of what I was interested in, so I never lost my love of learning. It seemed fairly fun to me rather than something that was forced upon me, because it was something I still wanted to do.
4. I learned critical thinking because we took a short course in it when I was around 10, but the whole style of my learning lent itself to critical thinking because I was always more focused on understanding and grappling with confusion than on deadlines.
5. It developed my creativity because I was encouraged and enabled to think outside of the box.

Downside:

1. My particular homeschool experience left me without ever having gained the social skills I so desperately needed because we didn't have a car, so we could not be part of a homeschool group.
2. I never learned how to handle the stress of a deadline because I had all the time I wanted to grapple with my confusions.
3. I was used to having someone to talk out my questions with and did not learn much independent problem solving which made it overwhelming when suddenly my teachers didn't care about me because I was only one of thirty kids.

NOTE: All of these problems are based on things I ended up learning (or began to learn) in high school, so it's all good man.

Ten Books that Changed my Life

These are 10 books that profoundly impacted my life. I list them pretty much in the order that I read them. Every book I have ever read has impacted me, but this is a list of the ones that probably had the BIGGEST impacts on my life.

1.      The Clay Marble by Minfong Ho was read to me by my Mum when I was still quite young. It taught me empathy and made me realise that the world is much bigger than just my little life.

2.      The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis helped me understand the concept of substitutional sacrifice a little better.

3.      A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews helped me survive my first and worst semester of public school back in grade nine. I don’t know quite how to describe how it helped me I just know that it did.

4.      Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. I think I read this the summer my Dad died, or maybe it was the year after, but I know it helped me mourn.

5.      Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I still remember reading this in grade eleven. I was home alone with the dog because mom had gone to work. We were sitting on the couch and I imagined that the big lonely empty house was the ocean and my dog was the tiger. This book helped me deal with a lot of the loneliness I felt when Mum started working.

6.      Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. I know he has a bad reputation for his book Love Wins, and it has been so long since I read Velvet Elvis, so I don’t even know what I would think about it now. All I can tell you is that when I read this book, in grade eleven or twelve, I was on the brink of disbelief and this book somehow convinced me to stick with my faith small though it was.

7.      A Wind in the Door by Madeleine L'engle. I think I read this book the year after I graduated high school and it helped me be comfortable with my adult love of children’s books and made me realise the importance of the imagination even in the adult world.  

8.      The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. This is one of those books where I can’t explain why it affected me the way it did, all I know is that I picked it up during the year after high school. At the time I had told everyone that I would never go to university. When I put this book down I thought to myself “That was beautiful. Literature is amazing. I want to spend the next four years of my life discussing books with people.” I applied to Trent a short time later, TRUE STORY.  

9.      1 John (in the Bible). In my first year of university I read the entire New Testament and this is the only book in it that did not anger or confuse me but encouraged, inspired, and interested me.

10.  Paper Towns by John Green helped me realise that more than stories and characters what I am interested in writing is ideas imbedded in stories.

 

20 things to be thankful for

For almost two years now I've had a list on my computer of things I am thankful for. When my computer broke last year I had to start over on the new one but I tried to remember most of the things I had written before. I just write more every once in a blue moon so my progress is slow but I have 610 so far. My list is very specific but I just wanted to summarize it here for you. Think of this as a) a reminder of the good stuff and b) inspiration to notice things even if you don't write them down. I was reading "Seeing" by Annie Dillard in Pilgrim at Tinker Creek the other day for school and I came across this: "The world is fairly studded and strewn with pennies cast broadside from a generous hand." She was using pennies to represent all of the free gifts in the natural world that could be enjoyed if people would take the time. But she laments "Who gets excited by a penny" saying "It is dire poverty indeed when a man is so malnourished and fatigued that he won't stoop to pick up a penny."

My own list is categorized to make things easier to find, but the following is just a summary.

1. Hope
2. Forgiveness
3. Help
4. Friendship
5. Babies and children
6. Animals
7. Laughing
8. Great conversations
9. Beautiful natural sights
10. Beautiful natural smells
11. Cooking and baking smells!
12. Beautiful noises (some natural like laughter and ice melting, others are man made like the sound of coffee percolating)
13. Soup! Coffee! Tea! - Pretty much any warm liquid
14. Sweet things!
15. Salty things.
16. Art (books, movies, paintings, photography, singing sculpture, plays, spoken word etcetera etcetera etcetera! I just love how art makes me feel!)
17.  Good health
18. A roof over my head
19. Access to food
20. Light bulb moments

Sunshine in my Bones

Something rings deep inside

When these words touch my eyes

Like sunshine in my bones

 

Just what I’ve been wanting

 

There’s a yearning

I’ve been searching

This viewing is a finding

 

I’m coming home

 

All the children of the earth

Search for home with loving arms

Just for somewhere to grow

 

As water fills our souls

 

Complicated Love: It is Hard to Know How to Help

       I really hate it when people try to simplify love, as though it were the answer to every problem. For starters, none of us are capable of true love if you define true love as putting another's needs ahead of yourself. We are all a little selfish.

       But even if we COULD love selflessly, how would we go about that? It isn't just as simple as caring about someone more than we care about ourselves (which unfortunately isn't simple at all because we have to ask ourselves why we care about someone and usually at the bottom there is a selfish reason and because of the human condition we usually can't help but be selfish). Even if we can get past our selfishness there are more complications. What do other people need? That is a big one because we are all different and sometimes we need and want different things or the same thing in a different way or sometimes we don't know what we need.

       For example: death or depression. Everybody deals with it differently. When someone dies or is sick I like facts. When things go wrong  - like REALLY wrong - the emotional part of my brain shuts down and goes into hiding. I never cry at the really big things. That might be hard to believe because I cry all the time for the little things, but when something goes really wrong I can't even deal, so all I want is facts. I hate it because no one gets this, except my mother but usually when something goes really wrong someone else is sent to take care of me and they think "oh we should give positivity or hugs or try to make things seem less horrible or something" and I'm just like "Uhm no, you should tell me exactly what happened and answer all my questions" I find facts very reassuring when something goes wrong. I also like to talk about things, but not right away, later when most people assume that things are just magically ok now and stop talking about it. I would love if we could just sit and I could talk instead of all my thoughts and emotions which have finally come out of hiding being forced to stay forever in my own head. Another thing I like closer to when something really bad happens is just being together and not talking about what just happened, but like just watching a movie or hanging out or something really chill. Things I don't like are encouragement. I hate being told that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes things aren't ok. I mean ultimately things might be ok, but sometimes it FEELS like the world has crumbled, and rather than being told that the world hasn't crumbled (which I already know deep down in my toes) I would like you to try to understand that it FEELS like the world has crumbled. I don't like being told to be strong. I think it is not healthy to always try to be strong. If we never acknowledge our weaknesses the pain will be greater later when our weaknesses over take us. If we acknowledge our weaknesses we can get the help we need. I hate it when people try to refer me to someone else. I understand that you are human too, maybe you don't feel capable of love and so I try not to get too made about it, but it bothers me. It feels like quick simple fake love, like sweeping dust under the couch instead of really dealing with it.

      The problem is that I know what I want, but I don't necessarily know what other people want. Some people can't handle all the details and find no peace or safety in factual information. Some people find that overwhelming. Some people can cry right away and need a hug. Some people would be comforted if you offered a tissue, even though I've always thought that was akin to yelling "shut up" in someone's face. Some people want to talk about it right away and some people never want to talk about it. Some people WANT to be reminded that the world hasn't crumbled even though it feels like it has. Some people want to be encouraged and assisted with attempting strength. Some people want to be left alone. Some people want to be referred to someone else with the skills to help.

     Even though I spend a lot of time being angry at the people who call themselves my friends because it feels like they don't care, I realise that I've never been very good at showing I care when roles get reversed. My tongue gets tied and my arms feel like noodles and I stand there thinking "what should I do what should I say what does this person want what do they need." And failing and doing or saying the wrong thing is usually such a scary thought that I end up doing the worst thing of all which is nothing. So all I'm trying to say is don't tell us to love one another like it is the easiest thing in the world. Love is complicated and confusing.

3 Big Reasons Why I`m NOT a Fan of Positive Thinking

1. I agree, it's probably not good to constantly say "I can't do this, I'm going to fail." BUT it isn't very much more helpful to constantly say "I got this, I'm awesome" Because you might not, and you aren't always so wonderful. My mom is the first to tell me there are things I can't do (like sing in key and succeed at any sort of athletic endeavour), but she's also the first to tell me that if I work hard I could surprise myself with success in some other areas like academics, creative writing, and working with kids. It's like my little cousin used to tell me "keep your nose level" don't put it up in the sky so that you have to look down at others, but don't stare at your shoes all the time. You aren't great, but you're getting better. Right now, you're ok. I need to tell myself that more but I'm really bad at happy mediums, I'm very extreme.


2. I don't like this culture that acts like we need happy faces all the time. It encourages strength and fighting for joy which just turns into suppression of natural sadness which will just bubble up later on in a really bad way. Face your dragons and make friends with them. Cry with them for a time. Admit that you are discouraged and angry and this is not how you wanted life to turn out. Then, when YOU are ready (not just when your friends are) get up and move forward, your dragon will still be there, but you've stared him in the face so long you know it isn't going to be as scary as you think to keep going.


3. Positive thinking has made us horrible not only at dealing with our own grief but with helping our friends through theirs. Just a few months ago someone I love dearly lost someone she loved dearly, because I know what it's like what with losing my dad at 15 she asked me to come hang out when she didn't want to put real clothes on and face the world. So we ate popcorn in sweatpants and watched the life of pi and cuddled, because (even though I sometimes forget and am just as bad at this as anyone else) I have learned that sometimes a cheerful clichéd lesson is not what people need. They need someone around whom they can take of their mask and just be sad. Sadness has become a great taboo. We are encouraged to ask for help rather than kill ourselves, but it has been my experience that if you tell someone ``Every time I wake up, I immediately wish I was dead`` this is what will happen: An awkward silence followed by either
a) an attempt to cheer you up because they can't handle your sadness
b) a denial and minimization of your sadness because they can`t handle your sadness
c) a referral to a paid other who will try to set you straight because neither of them can handle your sadness
d) a rant about all you have to be happy about and the importance of positive thinking because they can`t handle your sadness


I don`t think anyone has ever said ``That sucks want to talk about it`` in a way that I actually felt comfortable talking about it with them, usually I pick up that they don`t want to talk about it, so I don`t. The problem with keeping sadness in your head is that it grows.

Sometimes All We Need Is To Know We're Not Alone

 

The following is a lyric from a French song that has been in my head all day and which I have here translated into English:

Au pire on rira ensemble on mangera du kraft dinner, c'est tout ce qu'on a de besoin.

At worst we laugh together we eat Kraft Dinner, that's all we needed.

As this lyric went round and round inside my head it made me think of a very random short story that I wrote when I was fourteen. I have since lost the story, but it was so strongly in my head today that I re-wrote a bit of it.

Do you remember the summer you were afraid of the sun. We never knew why, but one day you just refused to go outside or even anywhere close to the windows. He tried so hard to reason with you, he always thought logic was the best tool. He gave you some powerful sunscreen, he thought that would be enough but it wasn’t. She was the one who said she wouldn’t leave you. If you wanted to spend the whole summer in the basement with the blinds down, that was ok, she would stay down there with you. In the end we brought the beach to you. I remember roasting marshmallows over candles and playing guitar in the dark of your basement. It was just that one summer that you were so afraid. The next year you were ok and we went camping together and those are good memories, but the summer we spent hiding from the sun together will always be one of my favourites.  

I think the reason the Kraft Dinner song by Lisa Leblanc makes me think of this story is because they are both about times when you just don’t know what to do for another person, but at the very least you can just be together and that can sometimes be enough.