What I have learned in French :)

I don't know who would want to read this but I've been writing my days in French so I'd have something to say at dinner with my host and I'd thought I'd share it just for fun. Later I may share my thoughts in general about the program.

Jeudi
Dans la matinée, j'ai appris le français à l'école française. Je suis dans la salle de classe primaire. Le nom de mon professeur est Charlotte. Je m'assois avec mes amis, Emily et Lucas et nous nous asseyons ensemble pour le dîner aussi.

Aujourd'hui, dans ma classe du matin, j'ai appris expressions. J'ai appris salutations, questions et réponses en français. Dans l'après-midi, je suis allé au champ de Louvois. Dans le domaine de Louvois J'ai parlé avec deux personnes âgées et un autre étudiant. Son nom est Cleo. Nous avons parlé et joué pendant une heure et ensuite aidés dans le bureau. Dans la soirée, nous avons joué au volley-ball. Et Voila, ma journée.

vendredi
Aujourd'hui, dans ma classe du matin, j'ai appris sur les verbes aller et d'être. Nous avons examiné expressions, salutations, questions, réponses et phoniques pour un test, nous allons écrire le lundi.

J'ai cherché pour mon téléphone, mais je n'ai pas trouvé mon telephone.

For anyone out of reach of a fulfilling career.

For anyone out of reach of a fulfilling career.
Or why we should encourage interdependence as opposed to independence.

This is for the person working their butt off to get a degree that might be useless and all the while worrying about the future. This is for the couple who just found out they are going to have a baby, but doesn't know how to support this child, and may feel like this is the end of all their big plans. This is for the high school, college, or university graduate who doesn't know what he or she wants to do next. This is for the one who has been looking for  job for so long that they have begun to lose hope. This is for the person whose been going from job to job for a while now and is feeling like they should be doing something bigger. This is for the one who works a handful of part time jobs just to support their family and make those ends meet. This is for the stay at home mom whose husband just died. This is for the person whose financial security has suddenly been shattered by pay cuts, layoffs, bankrupt business, or serious health problems. This is for the one who cannot afford retirement and is regretting the lack of stable income throughout their life. In short this is for anyone out of reach of a fulfilling career. It is very likely that this could be for you, but it is DEFINATELY for me.

As far as I see it, we basically have two options:

1. Research till our eyes fall out of their sockets in order to find that job that a) we enjoy b) pays what we need or want c) has long term potential and (if we are as hard on ourselves when it comes to morality as we are when it comes to academics, finances, and work ethic) d) seems like it will allow us to make a positive impact on the world, and then work our butts off trying to grasp this job.

Or

2. Say forget it, shrug our shoulders, and just go wherever life takes us.

Now there are pros and cons to both of these options. I've chosen option number 2 and I'm going to explain why in a moment. However, I would like to say right now that, if you have chosen option number 1, that is totally fine. For your sake I hope you are able to come up with that dream job, able to get it, able to keep it, and that it makes you happy. For me, I can't find a dream job, and I'm not sure I want one, so I'm going with option number 2. The only problem with this option is if life just doesn't take you anywhere. Well I guess life will always take you somewhere, but that somewhere might be homelessness, or living in your mother's house.

Option number 2 may still be better and here is why. (I'm doing this backwards because a. is the toughest point to discuss)

d) For those wanting a job that seems like it will allow us to make a positive impact on the world:
My dad sold pens and when he died the funeral home was filled. My cousin collected a bunch of memories and notes from all his friends, family, and customers and gave them to us in a beautiful book. This is what I learned: you can make a difference doing anything. I used to think that you needed to be in activism or politics and make a really big change in the way things are done in order for your life to be worthwhile, but I don't think that anymore. Here is why: you can't legislate love.
Back in the old testament God's ways (bear with me for a second and just go with the presumption that God's ways are good) were law but nobody really paid attention. People went astray. What changes people's behaviours? (From a Christian perspective) The love of Christ changes our hearts and this is what changes our behaviour. I can't just pass a law saying how the world should be. Even if the majority could agree on what the laws should be (I.E. what is right and good behaviour), there will still always be evil people whose hearts won't match up with the laws and they just won't obey them. Sure we could kill these people or toss them in jail but that doesn't fix the heart problem which I believe pervades in less noticeable ways in even the most innocent of lives. I believe love fixes the heart problem and I believe true love comes from God. Maybe you can't get with this way of thinking, and that's cool. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavors to make the world a better place, but for me I just want to get to know the love of Jesus and let it change me and fill me so I can walk in His ways, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, loving everyone with the love of Jesus. As far as I can see, that is a way I could change the world even from the receiving line of a soup kitchen.

c) and b) For all those wanting a job that b) pays what we need or want and c) has long term potential:
These two are related because even if you manage to achieve b) there is still always that worry that it won't last. First off I would like to say that if your worry here is just finding a job that pays what you WANT I challenge you to live on less. However, if you are actually struggling to keep yourself and your loved ones clothed, housed, and fed, I understand. That sucks and if you think the way out of this dark time is through a job change, well I support you and if there is something I might be able to do for you as you work through this time, let me know. However, in my observations of this here universe I have noticed that things often (not always, but often) have a way of working out and people often (again not always) have a way of making it through. You have to understand that I am speaking to myself on this one. I'm not trying to minimize your crappy situation, I get that poverty is a real problem, but I think I may be unrealistically afraid of homelessness and I'm trying to reassure myself by saying that no matter what happens it will probably work out. I may have to go back home for a while or couch surf for a while or work a super duper crappy job for a while, but it will probably work out. (Even if it doesn't, it just might be possible to find joy when you are homeless, but more on that in section a.) One thing I would like to say, while we are on the subject of money, is that I think our society may need a shift in thinking. Maybe instead of trying to raise up independent hardworking people we need to raise up a generation of people who take care of each other. As far as I can see, most people have times where they need help and times where they can help. If we encourage people to make careful decisions about their future and then work hard towards those goals we may encourage them on a path of hating themselves if they fail, and on a path of no generosity. I'm all for interdependence not independence.

a) For those looking for a job that they can enjoy: Actually, I'm not going to say much about this one. I don't know where happiness/ joy/ peace/ or contentment comes from. Does it come from God? Is it a choice? Is it completely or a little bit based on circumstances? Does it come from within yourself? Is it all about being positive or thankful? I don't know, I'm still struggling with metaphorical and emotional mountains and lack of joy but all I know is I've had awesome jobs that I enjoyed, and I was still miserable. So if a job you enjoy makes you happy, cool beans, and if you are convinced that there is no way to enjoy your miserable job, I'm sorry to hear that, but I would challenge you to at least consider the possibility that happiness is equally attainable or unattainable no matter what job you have and that every job is going to have things you like and things you don't.

Well that's it folks. I'd love to hear what you have to say on the matter. If you made it this far you are truly awesome thanks for reading my thoughts.

Rant on why I wish I wanted more.

Ok so here's my problem, I'm like 21 right? and I'm about to graduate, so I'm at that age when everyone's like ooo plans! ooo dreams! ooo goals! ooo achievements! ooo success! Yes many people my age don't know what they want to do next, but everyone is at least working on making a plan. It seems like having a solid plan and working towards it with gusto makes one a more respectable member of society. Just think about all the "inspirational" quotations that are about working towards achieving your goals? I'm all for hard work! I just don't know what to work towards. I know people working crazy hard towards these big goals and I'm just over here like "dude, I woke up today, I withheld from being a jerk that one time and I was nice to the lady at the bank and made her smile, and I fully appreciated those dandelions, and I grew in my understanding of such and such, ooo successful day woop woop." That's enough for me, I don't need a grown up job, I don't need a husband, I don't need a real house, I don't need a car, I don't even need to graduate. Though of course, some of those things I would not object to if that's where my life goes but I'll get over it if that's not what happens so it's not like I have a goal and a five year plan through which to work towards that goal. I want to continue to grow in understanding and maturity, and to continue making people smile. That means I want to stay alive. That means I want a way to pay for groceries. I wouldn't mind a certain element of comfort, which means I also need to be able to pay for rent and clothing. That is not much of a game plan. The only other thing that I know I really really want is to some day have a dog. Imagine if someone asked me what my plan/dream/goal is and I told them it was to someday be financially stable enough to own a dog? I feel weird because I have no dream or goal or plan when everyone is always talking about working towards your achievements and I don't even have anything to work towards. Maybe I need to want something more so I can have a plan? But I thought it was a good thing to be happy with what you have? I guess there is nothing wrong with floating around in the moment. Yay for unique-osity, but by golly I need at least the teeniest fragment of a plan because at the very least I need to find a job so I can pay for my groceries, but in this economy that's harder than it sounds. Growing up is way more confusing than I thought it would be.

Thank you for being the cracking cup beside mine: My creative writing for the night.

There are broken people everywhere, even if you can't see them. See, they are good at hiding - these broken people. They slip into the dark cracks in the makeup of our society and are lost. They can always find the cracks because they know about cracks because they are cracked. That's how they became so broken. They were cracked so many times. Often they were just little miniscule things that shouldn't matter, but a cup can only fall so many times before it goes from being quaintly chipped to seriously broken and a person is like that too. It's true, people are like cups. We only have so much room before we are filled all the way and, if we try to take on any more after that, we will overflow. So, all over the world there are all these broken and overflowing people that sometimes can't be seen. But, there are also people who are only half broken. These people cracked, and may still be cracking, but, as the pieces of their cups began to fall, they were propped up by other cups that stood beside them making sure that nothing broke. Sometimes these other cups are cracking too, but they stand there like that anyways. They just stand there: cracking but not breaking because they hold each other up.

God is Awesome: A Rant on a Different Perspective We Could Have

Lately I've been struggling with church. Every Sunday I go and hear about what is wrong with me and what I should be. For example, I've learned I should:

Treat the people at my church like family
Not hide my light
Exalt Jesus as King over my life
Be more trusting
Be content

etc. ... etc. If you've been to church a lot you've probably heard similar ideas.

One thing I love about my church is how faithful it is to constantly go back to the gospel: the idea that it is finished, that we are forgiven because Jesus paid the price, and we receive this forgiveness through God's gift of faith and it is not by works so that no one can boast!

The only problem is that this often get's tagged on at the very end of a guilt tripping sermon that ends up sounding (at least to me) a bit like this:

You aren't doing this, you should do this, mostly because God tells you to, but I'll go on for a bit more about why you should do this, if you don't do this you aren't really saved, so please just do this, oh by the way, if you are depressed because you suck don't worry, you can't be forgiven by doing this thing that you should do, your salvation is by grace not by works so that no one can boast so it's all good.

I often seem to be the only one who finds this ridiculously confusing and small group becomes about answering my question (asked for the hundredth time) seeking clarification that we are not saved by works because the sermon (once again) seemed to suggest that.

Usually I just wind up looking like a stupid idiot whose thick skull is impermeable by the truth. (which isn't exactly untrue, I am a bit of a stupid idiot, but still)...

Here is why I think it get's so confusing.

We are forgiven despite what we do and doing good stuff doesn't earn us salvation.
BUT true faith (which I believe has to be a gift or otherwise we could boast about our faith) will produce works.
Therefore, we don't want to be encouraging each other to just keep on doing dumb stuff because then we're all going to have dead faith because true faith produces good works.

BUT if your plant is dying you don't glue on leaves, you water it and give it fresh dirt.

I could be wrong but here's my perspective:

If there are no works in my life, my faith must be broken. All I can do is cry out to God and keep seeking him, going to church, small group, and reading the word to find out more about the only one who can change me rather than trying to change myself.

However, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to sit around doing dumb stuff waiting to magically be changed. I'm all for trying to do good and turn from bad but I think we gotta be careful about how we think about this.

I could be wrong but I figure: do good not to earn salvation, forgiveness, or heaven. Do good cause God said to and because we've seen that He loves us, so we trust that His way is better. Then when you fail don't stress, cause you are forgiven.

So why do good? Not to earn salvation, but because, if you think about it, a lot of what He says to do MAKES SENSE, and it is the BEST way to live.

There are two potential problems with this way of thinking. One: the prosperity gospel is false, and Two: God's ways aren't always going to make sense to our human brains.

One: it's true that people could hate you for being a Christian, you'll still get sick, you could still lose your job and become homeless. Christianity doesn't guarantee you a materially perfect happy life BUT I would argue that it gives you another kind of happy life.

Jesus says his yoke is easy and his burden is light. It is said that all things work together for the good of those who love God.

I would suggest that, though following God could lead to homelessness, you can still have joy because you know and trust that God is in control and that beauty can come from apparent darkness and because you know that heaven is coming and because you are freed from guilt. You don't have to feel pressured to do everything right and beat yourself up if you lose your job because you know that you are forgiven and that this apparent awful situation could bring about the greater good. Maybe you will meet someone in need on the streets and tell them about Jesus and keep them from taking their life!

I think following God leads to a better life, just a different(and better) kind of better than what we may be used to thinking about. And I think that's why we should follow Him, because we trust Him.

Two: what about when things don't make sense to our human brains? What about when we can't comprehend why or how God's way is better than ours? I could be wrong but here are my ideas: 1 - if we can't trust God we'll be forgiven, sanctification is a slow process 2 - we learn from our pasts, hind site is 20/20, look back has God ever said to do something that sounded crazy that you can see now made more sense than your plan? It's through those things that we start to see that God is way smarter than we are and it makes sense to follow him. 3 - This is where faith and trust come in. It's hard to trust God cause we are stupid humans but it makes sense even if we can't see it.

So, if (by some wild chance) I was right, why don't people preach about how awesome and trustworthy God is to inspire us to follow Him instead of just telling us what we should do? I get that it is important to know that I suck to see that God doesn't and that it is important to know what I should be doing so I can work on trusting God enough to do it, but I feel like people don't talk enough about how amazing God is when this is what is going to inspire me to trust him.

The Guilt of First World Problems

I apologize again for writing so much. Things are slow, because I'm just studying for exams not actually going to classes. I'm a thinker, the thoughts run through my head and they will just stay there and spin around and around and around tormenting me forever if I don't get them out.

Seriously, I know people get mad that I just never stop talking but you don't understand its a compulsion I need to shut up my brain and you really don't have to feel obligated to read my nonsense.

A few weeks ago, or maybe it was like a month ago, this girl did a presentation in my class about her anxiety disorder. She was just talking about all the different aspects of this struggle and she said one thing which really stuck out to me. She said she feels a lot of guilt about her anxiety disorder because it's a "first world problem" and "other people have it worse."

I was going to say a lot more, but I think I can leave it at this: guilt makes everything worse.

No one should have to feel guilty about going through a tough time.
No one should have to feel like they are just being dramatic.
Sometimes mountains ARE mole hills but that doesn't mean it's their fault. Some people see mountains when they look at mole hills.
No one should have to feel an obligation to "be strong" which will make them feel like they have to pretend that things aren't wrong when they are.
No one should have to feel guilt when they are going through a hard time, it won't help them recognize that the mountains are mole hills, it won't help them escape their bad ways of dramatic selfishness. If that IS what it is...

How Can A Bunch of Broken People do Life Together?

Ok this is the question I have been struggling with ALL year and even longer: How do a bunch of broken people do life together?

I was talking to my Mum about how the death of a loved one often completely changes peoples worldviews, makes them revaluate their priorities, think about their beliefs, and value their lives more. Then I was like man Dad dying did none of that for me. Then I realised that it did brig up a lot of thinking for me but it was just of a different nature. The affect of my Dad's death on my life is well summarized in his last conversation with me. He was talking about how earlier in the week he had thought he was going to die and I just flipped on him. "Dad you didn't die and you aren't going to die so just shut up and be positive, you survived and you're fine now and your getting better so just don't talk like that." He responded to all that in calm logical Dad fashion: "I wasn't afraid to die, I just didn't want to leave my girls."

And that is, for me, the root of much of my struggles.

I know that even if I completely mess up this life I am already forgiven and there is something way better waiting for me.
I'm not afraid to die, because I know where I'm going.
I'm encouraged to know that my Dad is already there.
Death is not a problem for me...

BUT life is. I'm currently stuck in the right now without him, trying to figure out how to survive without my strong Papa Bear to lean on. We, his girls, needed him, and he left, and, for me, that is the problem with death, not that he had to face the unknown but that we have to wait around without him before we too can take the next step from life to death.

I pretty much always knew that I was broken, but it wasn't until after Dad died that I realized everybody else is too.

It was after Dad died that I realized people didn't know how to be there for me, and that everyone had their own problems and I hated bothering people. I still did, but I felt bad about it after.

I had always known that I made mistakes, but it wasn't till then that I started realizing that others did too. Many I thought I could rely on weren't there for me when he died and I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought that I was being dramatic and selfish and didn't deserve to ask for help, but I realized sometimes people just aren't perfect and don't know what to do and I forgave them eventually. I hadn't really known all this before.

And this is one of the biggest problems I have with church. We are all sinners, we are all broken. How the heck can we help one another, provide for one another, or love one another?

They were talking today at church about how we are supposed to be a family. How can I step up and help if I'm too broken and have nothing to give? How can I get up the nerve to ask you for help if I know you're broken and have nothing to give? So I inch towards my mole hole, but...it's not any nicer down there. It's lonely, its confusing, there is no one to talk to and no one to hug, but life in the open is just as confusing and scary.

How Can A Bunch of Broken People do Life Together?