Weeping Season

I should warn you this post is about some of my confusions regarding Christianity especially in concerns to the topic of suffering. You might not find it interesting if a) you are not a Christian or b) if you are the kind of Christian that doesn't like to wrestle with your faith, but Ii would encourage you to read it anyways because I like hearing from people who disagree with me. I am not sure at what stage in my life we knew each other. That is actually one of the things I love about social media. I never know when someone I have not spoken to in years is going to engage with me again and I love nothing more than hearing different perspectives. So, just to make sure we are all on the same page let me catch you up real quick. These days I am calling myself a Christian again after years of saying I was agnostic although I am not a very good Christian. I still have a lot of questions about my faith and I sometimes feel that if you are a Christian with questions then people question if you are really a Christian, but I think honesty is really important. Having explained all of that let us get to the questions on my mind right now:

There is a Hillsong song - As You Find Me - that has this line in it "Your love is too good to leave me here."

Whenever I hear it at my Church, which is often, my brain breaks into chaos.

What in the figurative fire monkeys does that even mean?

Places where Christians can find themselves for very long periods of time despite being loved by God:

• Unable to pay bills
• Jobless
• In a really draining job
• Homeless
• Hungry
• Depressed
• Anxious
• Dealing with an addiction
• Dealing with an eating disorder
• Struggling with a different mental illness
• Sick
• Lonely
• Dealing with insomnia
• Grieving the loss of a loved one
• Dealing with really difficult conflict 

Christians LOVE to talk about how God will provide.

Even the Bible talks about this stuff.

Matthew 6:26-34

26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 7: 9-11

9 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

If the Bible says God will take care of us why are some people not being taken care of? The typical response to such questions is to talk about God's will and God's timing.

If you ask for something and you don't get it maybe it isn't his will, maybe he has something better for you, or maybe it is his will, but just not yet.

To the God's will point: what if the thing that someone is asking for is something that they were created to need like sleep, clean water, food, shelter, or community. Are you really trying to tell me that it is not God's will for needs to be fulfilled that HE CREATED. He could have built us as robots that do not need any fuel (emotional fuel like friendship or physical fuel like food) but he didn't.

To the God's timing point: it kind of makes sense to me. For example, back in the day before I fell in love I really disliked how people acted like single Christians should just be at peace as if they were not allowed to long for something else when the freaking beginning of the Bible says "18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”" (Genesis 2:18). However, despite the fact that I felt that I was designed to be in a relationship did not mean that it was the time at that point. So if you are created with a need that has not yet been fulfilled what should you do?

Philippians 4:6-7

6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

OK, great, but what about when it doesn't?

There are a few other bits of comfort that I have found in the bible, but they are not that helpful.

For one thing there is the whole go to heaven when we die stuff.

Revelation 21:1-4

21 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place[a] of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,[b] and God himself will be with them as their God.[c] 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

However, I am 27 (almost 28) years old, and apparently the average life expectancy for a female in the United States is 81, which means, if Jesus does not come back soon, I may have to suffer for another 53 years before I go to heaven.

Then we have the idea that God is with us and also the idea that he will help us even if he does not remove a difficult situation.

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

But if you can't tell that he is helping/ strengthening you and if you can't hear God's voice or understand the Bible very well (I won't be at all surprised if someone lets me know I have misunderstood all the verses I have quoted here I am a very stupid human being), then what comfort is it to know that God is with you especially if you have an unmet need as discussed above?

The only thing I have to cling to after all of this is the idea that maybe sometimes we just need to grieve.

I have been a part of 9 different churches over the course of 28 years spanning everything from Pentecostal to Calvinist and I have picked up this feeling that a lot of Christians really feel like they have some sort of holy obligation to be happy about everything. I don't really understand why. I mean sure, there are verses like Philippians 4:4 (which says: "4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.") which kind of suggest that we always need to be thankful and trust the Lord. Thankfulness I guess I get because even if nothing else has been given to me by God - which is not so as I have my health, my husband, and my mom just for starters - at the very least he has given me salvation. I will probably never understand why sin (something it doesn't even seem to be possible to not do if you are not Jesus since apparently everyone else has sinned - see Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.") deserves to be punished with death (see Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord"), but I also would rather worship a God who makes no sense to me because he is bigger than my brain than one I made up so I could understand it even though my understanding of everything else is limited by my humanity. At any rate, I am thankful for the gift of salvation even though I wish Jesus did not have to die for it. However, my thankfulness is still not enough to make me feel capable of rejoicing in the midst of suffering and I don't understand why so many Christians act like it is not OK to admit that. Have you read Psalms? Are you aware of how dramatically sorrowful the author can get? I really relate to Psalm 25:16 it isn't the most dramatic, but in it the author talks about being lonely ("Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted") and loneliness is something I feel all the time.

In addition to the Psalms as proof that it is apparently OK to not put on a fake smile all the time there is also Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

I guess I am just in my weeping season. I have no clue when it will end or how exactly to weather these storms, but maybe there is a purpose to weeping. Have you seen "Inside Out"? It is one of my favourite movies. Maybe I am asking you a question about how to have peace in Christ, or maybe I am showing you that it is OK to grieve. I have no idea.

Thoughts on Self Care

Note: This is a blog I created a million years ago when everyone and their neighbour's chicken had a blog. I honestly do not remember too much about the other things on here. My guess is it is mostly angst filled attempts at poetic prose expressing my frustration with religion, so explore at your own risk because I am not technologically savvy enough to figure out how to hide all the  past posts, I am too lazy to save them all elsewhere, and do not really want to delete any that I disagree with or find embarrassing because it is like an archive of past me. I never kept journals because it felt so pointless to write if no one was going to read it, not that I had anything worthwhile to say, but anyways, I stopped writing because I got quite busy and blogs kind of stopped being a thing, but now I am super bored and lonely, I have all these thoughts in my head and I do not really have anyone to talk to about them, so here we are. 

The topics on my mind right now are burnout and self care. 

I believe base line self care is taking care of our basic needs. By this I mean eating contextually appropriate food*, drinking water, sleeping, exercising, and taking any needed medications.

I believe it is OK if you need to say no to something else to find time to do these things, even if that something else is helping someone. 

However, I do think we need to be careful that self care does not become an excuse to be selfish. 

I have discovered that almost everything in life is about balance. I need to be careful not to judge other people who are trying to figure this self care thing out. It is complicated. I think it is pretty easy to get out of balance. I do not know the full back story behind other people's actions and at the end of the day I just want everyone in the world to know peace. That said, I definitely sense a trend of self care that is really just selfishness. This is often tied to the self care that is just capitalism. Spas, baths, herbal tea, candles, face masks, yoga classes, and meditation apps on your phone are all products associated with self care. If these things help you find peace without costing you more time, money, and other resources than it makes sense to you for you to be spending, then OK, go ahead, have fun. However, I think we need to be cautious about three things. 

1. We should not want to be taken advantage of by companies that claim to be our tool to peace, but are really just taking advantage of our misery and receptiveness to buzzwords to take our money.

2.  We should not just swamp our to do lists with self care activities and stress ourselves out more that way. 

3. We should not stop caring about the least of these in our lives. 

On that last point I have some more to say, and again I really have to be careful not to judge because I do not know the full picture, but I can share what I see and hopefully it will get you thinking, I am probably wrong about everything, but how will I ever know that if you don't read my thoughts and set me straight? (That was not sarcasm, please set me straight!) I see some people who are like "butter scraped over too much bread" (thanks Tolkien) because they are trying so hard to be there for the people in their life. These are the people who may need to make sure they are eating, drinking water, sleeping, exercising, taking any needed medications, light a candle, go to a spa, have a bath, drink some herbal tea, put on a face mask, take a yoga class, meditate, pet a puppy, hang out with friends, or take up a fun hobby. However, there are some people who talk all the time about leaving toxic people behind (but in a way that makes me wonder if the people they are leaving are really toxic) and who seem to do all of the above activities all the time and never seem to care about anyone who is hurting. Honestly, it is entirely possible that I am just being judgmental, but if so I am not the only one. Heck, College Humor even created a video on this topic back in 2016 called "You Can Be Terrible if You Call It "Self-Care." I mean unpopular opinion, but I don't understand why so many people are worried about being taken advantage of. If you can give then why not do it? I worry that we are going towards a world where no one cares about anyone else and the only relationships allowed are those that are perfectly give and take meaning that people really struggling who do not have much to give will just get left behind. I do also worry for those who are actually falling apart because they are giving too much. However, at the end of the day only you can decide if you are doing too much or too little for the least of these. Only you can decide if you need more self care or not. I just ask that you put some thought into it.

The last thing that I have to say is that I think that some burnout is systemic making self care next to impossible. I believe some jobs are set up in ways that naturally break people down. In these cases, self care is actually an excuse to blame individuals for breaking down saying the work load is fine and they just aren't taking care of themselves when what is really needed is some big picture change.

If you actually read all of this I really hope that I did not hurt your feelings. I do not care if you like candles and face masks and leaving toxic people behind or if you like spreading yourself too thin. I may not understand it which means that I do not know what I should do which is why I need to process it in this matter, but I am not judging you. I just want you to find peace and I just want to find peace.

*I subscribe to the philosophy that there is no bad food or good food, because such labels can be harmful to those struggling with an eating disorder, however, I think it is important to listen to our body and give it what it needs which is what I mean by eating contextually. 

Hello London

Moving to a new city

So many people have done this before

This isn’t even my first time

Yet still it isn’t easy

There are a thousand things which could move us on

But to live someplace new is to leave an old place behind

I was lucky enough to love my old home

But now I am an uprooted tree, wondering if I’ll be able to grow roots again

The thing is that

To say goodbye

Is to risk the possibility of no reunion

My heart is scattered, with pieces left in a million places

 Yet I feel the value of connecting and belonging

Is not in how long it lasts

But in how beautiful it gets

Oh may it get beautiful again

So here I am starting over

Even if it means loving some place new just to lose it all later  

But to say hello,

Is to risk hatred and rejection

I am not easy to love

Are any of us really?

We all come with our own layers of fear and anger

But deep within us all is a heart ready to poor out love

And the pain we stumble into on our journeys
Is really nothing new for us humans,

Who overcome and again and again

Who roll out of bed even with a heavy head

And we put one foot in front of the other

A thousand scattered hearts looking to connect

We are never truly alone

And one way or another we’ll be ok

So Hello London, I am new here.

New to this city life

And new to buildings big enough

To make a human seem minuscule.

I am new here,

But I come with open arms

Ready for all you may give

And ready to live through more loss

Oh London

For better or for worse

Come what may, here am I

Will you take me as I am? 

Exestential Crisis in a Shopping Mall

So, yesterday some friends of mine were visiting from out of town and we went shopping, you know typical past time for four twenty something young women. However, I - a twenty something young woman - hate shopping. Which really isn't that rare and I've never questioned this before. I have always accepted that I like to save my money because I have an irrational fear of  homelessness and I have a very practical outlook on clothes (I like to wear comfortable utilitarian things that will keep me warm in Winter and appropriately covered in summer because I don't live in a Nudist colony). I don't mind accompanying my friends while they shop, though, it's a nice opportunity to chat with my people and there is always fun upbeat music to dance to if you get bored, but as I was hanging out with them and they were talking about different colours and styles I suddenly started to question everything I know about myself. Why don't I like fashion??? I love art of all kinds. I draw, write, and act. Even though I am limited from exceling in certain art forms because I have no rhythm, am tone deaf, and have no hand-eye coordination I still enjoy watching or listening to professional musicians and dancers and I still dance, sing, and make pottery and jewelry and stuff when I'm around people I know won't make fun of me for failing. I just love self expression and creative communication, and isn't that what fashion is all about? So why am I not into fashion? I think there definitely is a practical and utilitarian component to my lack of interest in fashion. I remember when I was a little kid being so frustrated with my mom for making me wear dresses to church because right after church I'd be running around with other kids (interesting note: there were few kids really my age most of the other kids were boys a little younger than me) playing tag, crawling under the chairs, jumping off the stairs, and trying to climb up the side of the ramp and my mom would have to remind me to be careful that I wasn't showing the world my underwear in the midst of all of this. I was a hyper child and pants were just so much easier to play in so when I finally convinced my mom to let me wear pants it was a utilitarian desire and had nothing to do with fashion. In fact, I remember the first thing my mom let me wear instead of a dress was a one piece shorts/t-shirt button up thing that was purple with little white flowers. It was just as cute and girly as a dress but it let me run and play and I loved it. I do a lot less running and playing these days, but I still like to sit however I want and climb the odd tree and pants are just more comfortable. I do sometimes wear fancy scarves and sweaters and even the odd sundress in the summer so maybe I do enjoy self expression in fashion but don't fully embrace fashion for utilitarian reasons. However, I think there is more to it than that. I have a couple different memories from grade nine and ten on this subject that have stayed with me. One has to do with my hair which I cut super short right before I started high school and it ballooned out like a mushroom for all of grade nine. People were always telling me to straighten it so I did finally buy a straightener, but I bought a cheap one which didn't work very well and it took forever to straighten it every morning so I gave up. You might think this just shows that I am lazy and cheap, which is probably also true, but - like I said - I think it is more complicated than that because there were a couple times where I let other people straighten my hair with their intense expensive straighteners (not for fun mind you, it was part for a skit we were doing in my drama class about night mares, I'll do anything for the theatre) and I had it straight the whole day and everyone complimented me on it and those compliments frustrated me because I felt like they were say "everyday you is ugly".  Another time I wore mascara to school for fun. Now, I applied it myself, and I had never worn mascara before so I probably looked like a crazy person, but EVERYONE complimented me on it and I remember thinking they were just happy that I was trying to be normal. You might think this is one of those weird Laurissa conspiracies but I actually got a note one time in English class (yeah I know, I was alive at a time when people passed notes because not everyone had a cell phone, I'm so old) from this girl saying something like "I can help you learn how to dress, wear makeup, and do your hair so you can fit in." I think she meant well but I had seen Ten Things I Hate About You and I was familiar with the Taming of the Shrew type story line and I knew that we need to learn to love people for who they are rather than attempt to mold them into something loveable so I declined, but now maybe you understand my deeper frustrations with fashion. It isn't just that you have to be careful when climbing trees or eating ketchup if you are wearing a nice white dress or that doing hair and makeup every morning costs money and takes time, but I am deeply worried that people will like me not for who I am or the smart things I think or say or the kind things I do but for the way I dress. Is that a legitimate concern though? I mean I compliment people on their eyes, hair, clothes and jewelry all the time. It doesn't mean I think they are not capable of deep thought or that I'm not interested in accepting them for who they are but just want to congratulate them for following social norms. All I'm doing with a compliment like that is saying "Yo, you put effort into skillfully and artistically expressing yourself and I'm impressed." What's wrong with that? I mean beauty is a legit thing. I wouldn't be offended if someone said "Dang son, look at that sunset!" or "Holy stars Batman" or "Oh my golly gee that peacock has a nice tail." We aren't objectifying nature, we are appreciating it's natural beauty. And ok, female beauty often has to do with social norms, but so what? I mean if social norms say "Laurissa be skinny to an unhealthy point" I'ma be like "No freaking way bro." But if social norms say "Laurissa, at this time in history it is considered beautiful in Canada to have straight hair so go buy a straightener" what is wrong with saying ok? I mean I still think we should have the option to say "Nope, my hair is not naturally straight but I still think it's beautiful so there bro." And that brings us back to the idea of fashion as self expression, but people aren't evil for going along with social norms. So why am I so afraid of having people like me because they think I am naturally beautiful or because I've artfully enacted a style that is currently popular in my society instead of because I said something smart? I mean it doesn't bother me if people laugh at me when I say something that is currently accepted as funny in my society. That makes me feel good so why does fashion make me uncomfortable and am I wrong to have been fighting a one woman war against it all these years by on purpose wearing mostly simply utilitarian and comfortable clothes?

Trees

Once upon a time, there was a tree which grew in front of the kitchen window of a tiny little farm house. It had been planted by a farmer for his wife who was sad when she moved away from her childhood home, so he had taken a seed from the tree by her old bedroom window and planted it near their house to remind her that this place could be their home now. As the tree grew so too did these people. They grew taller and wiser as they learned more about farming, marriage, and life. The woman’s belly grew, and then shrunk as a new baby entered the earth. Her belly grew and shrunk four more times and every time it shrunk again there was another baby. Eventually every baby grew into a man or a woman and they left their parents who had by this time begun shrinking in size. The couple’s hair had turned quite gray, yet still the tree grew on. The woman still looked out the window at it and smiled, although now she was often not remembering the home of her childhood, but the earlier years of this home when her children would play in the branches of the tree. One day the old man was no longer there to be seen and the woman would look upon the tree and weep in memory of the one who had planted it for her. Then there was a day when all the children came back, much older now with children of their own, and they took the old woman away to a nursing home and sold the house. At this time, the house itself was beginning to crumble and fall apart and the tree, which had endured many a storm, was beginning to lean too close to a power line. The new owners of the property took down both the house and the tree and began to build up tall office buildings and apartments all over the old farm land. However, before they could cut down the tree the wind swept up its seed and planted it upon a hill where grew a little sapling. This sapling was very sad and lonely because none of the people in these new buildings ever looked upon it and smiled for they were too busy looking at their computer screens. One day, though, after the little sapling had grown a bit, a little bird came to rest in the tree’s branches and sing the song of its people. This made the tree very happy, but one day the weather grew cold and its leaves started to dance away from its branches and the bird sang out “My time has come, I must bid you fair well” and, just like that, it flew away. The tree had no choice but to stay where it was and watch until the bird was nothing but a spec on the horizon. Slowly all the tree’s leaves fell down and withered and the tree was sure it was dying, but still it stood. The earth grew cold and barren. Although the sky sent down a blanket of snow to keep the tree warm, its heart felt cold with loneliness and it grew bitter and angry with the entire universe. Then one day something happened which felt like a miracle to the tree! The sun began to warm the earth once more, and even the tree’s own heart became warm as its sap ran once again and its branches grew new buds. With this beautiful spring the bird came back, for birds are migratory creatures and they never leave the trees they love forever. The bird told the tree such lovely stories of the other lands it had visited and the adventures it had along the way. The bird asked the tree what it had been doing so the tree told the bird about the cold and empty winter and the bird shuddered at the thought and wondered aloud why anyone would stay during the winter. The tree found itself wondering the same thing and wishing it had wings to fly away with the bird, but it didn’t so that Autumn the bird once again left the tree alone to weather the Winter. This time, however, the tree knew the bird was coming back, so it was  filled with a deep peace that made it possible to notice the beauty of the snow falling and the way it sparkled and twinkled beneath the streetlights. The tree also noticed the bright and colourful Christmas lights that the people in the city put up and the wonderful songs that they sang. That spring, when the bird came back, the tree had such lovely stories of its own to tell all about the joys of winter. “That does sound cool” said the bird. “Does it make you want to stay?” asked the tree. “No” the bird said “This land is still too cold for me. You should come away with me.” “I can’t” said the tree “this is the land where grew the tree that came before me, it is the land of my people, the land where I grew my roots, and I must stay.” The bird still did not understand, but the tree finally did and that was enough. 

Do Twenty Somethings Need to Grow Faster or Slower?

As a university graduate who is headed back to school and who still feels like I'm fumbling and stumbling through life in complete and utter confusion, I have been grappling with the question of whether we are asking our youth to grow too fast or whether we aren't putting enough pressure on them to grow up. On one hand I feel pressured to have it all figured out. All around me I see my old classmates getting good jobs, falling in love, buying houses, and having cute babies. This makes me wish wandering was more normal. I feel we shouldn't be pressured to have it all figured out by our early twenties because we should always be growing and learning and making new choices to get closer to where we should go. On the other hand I also hear stories about forty year olds still dwelling in their parents basements and spending most of their time on video games. Clearly I am not the only one wandering, but am I in good company or are we all failures who need to get a hold of our lives? I think maybe we do need to realise that (as cliché as it sounds) growing up is not a destination, but a process. We need to stop acting like we just need to figure out what we believe, who we love, and what career is best for us and then get to that glory life as fast as we can because growing up is something that we should never be done doing and what is more important is growing in love, not in money or status. However, wandering probably is too prevalent in my society. Progress is good. Don't stop moving, but maybe lost people like me need to make sure we aren't wasting our time on useless immaturity that lasts forever. Move as long as it is not in circles. Go ahead, be confused, as long as your confusion is taking you somewhere. But I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. How do I progress in love, confidence, knowledge, and understanding? Someone please show me the way. Here is to hoping that all those who wander really aren't lost.

2014

       2014 had a lot of hard parts for me and not near as much fun, adventurous, traveling as the last three years. In 2011 I went to Ottawa for a week and then spent six weeks in a small Cree village in Northern Quebec. In 2012 I went on a really long bus adventure to visit a friend of mine who was living in a small town North of Lake Superior. I lived in Quebec for five weeks in the Spring of 2013 while going to school to learn French, and then I went on two road trips for weddings during the summer. I did go to three weddings this year, but two of them were  right in my current city. One wedding was an hour or two away from my Mom's house. No buses went there so she had to rent a car to take me. That was kind of a fun adventure, but then my friend drove me back to the city where I live which is three hours away from my Mom's city and it was snowing really bad and I thought we were going to die, but we didn't so that's good.

       Another reason why 2013 was a lot more exciting than 2014 was that my nephew was born, but - to be honest - he just gets more and more exciting as he gets older. I am excited to hopefully move to his city so I can see him more often.

       One super exciting thing did happen this year: I graduated. This made me happy for a couple reasons. It is kind of nice not to have to do homework anymore, and to know that I was capable of that success. However, it is kind of sad not to have any more school. I really enjoyed it. It is also stressful, because although I am passionate about the subject of my degree and enjoyed the process, it isn't very useful so I had to go through this big long period of not knowing what to do next. Things are OK now. I have a job that I like and a plan to go back to school for a couple of years to get a better job that I will also like, perhaps even more than the one I have now. I am nervous to enact this plan, but excited too. Anyways, finding the job, and developing the plan was stressful, and graduating was bitter sweet but I loved my actual graduation day. Most people say the ceremony is superficial and boring. But I really enjoy ceremony. I think we need to take time to acknowledge that important things have happened. Anyways, my ceremony was the highlight of my year. I've been to other ceremonies with really boring speeches, but mine was pretty interesting and relatable . The best part, though, was that I had friends and family there. I didn't think anyone was going to come, but people did and that meant a BUNCH to me. Plus my mom, sister, and nephew came down for a couple days and it was kind of like a family vacation.

      I'm nervous about 2015, because so much is going to be changing. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

I am Weak

I have been getting better at dealing with my fear, despair, and self hatred. I lecture myself. All the time. I remind myself of everything and everyone that I have to be thankful for. I tell myself that the things I worry about probably won't happen. I tell myself that if they do happen it won't be the end and I'll figure out how to deal with it. I often brain storm solutions to worse case scenarios to show myself there is nothing to worry about. I remind myself that I am forgiven. I've actually gotten pretty good at that one. This is a very big deal for me. Sometimes, I still get mad at myself. Like this week I forgot that I had volunteered to help cook Christmas dinner for the kids at the youth centre where I volunteer. So I was late to the place that is sort of kind of not really my church now to help cook and I hit myself in the head pretty hard and swore out loud when I realised I'd forgotten and would be late, but such is life. There are a lot of things every day to remind myself that I am forgiven for. It makes sense that sometimes I will forget and still feel the old twinges of guilt and self hatred, but this is definitely one area where I feel like I am getting better. Even the last couple days I've been really worried and sad about something semi stupid and none of my friends or family see it as something worthy of this much upset, and out of love for me they want me to see reality the way they see it so that I can be free from pain, which makes sense. I keep telling people that I want them to just let me be sad, and just tell me it is too bad that I feel that way rather than trying to get me to be ok. This is really hard for people, no one really seems to know how to do this and it is the source of many fights for me which sucks because these people I am so mad at having nothing but love for me. Thankfully, though, this time around I've managed not to be too mad at myself for not fighting myself all the time. Fighting fear and despair is a super exhausting process that I engage in a lot, but am not always capable of. Sometimes when I give into fear and despair and allow myself to be carried away on their powerful waves I worry that everyone will be mad at me and perhaps lose their patience and abandon me. I wonder if they have good reason to do so. I wonder if, maybe, I am just letting myself fall into darkness from time to time to get attention and be reminded that I'm loved. Which I don't think is true because most people who love me do not just remind me at these times that they love me for they are almost much more focused on reminding me that I need to fight which just puts a lot of pressure on me and increases my fear and despair. Anyways, even if it were about that I don't think that is something worth hating myself over, the desire for love is a legit one. As someone who works a lot with children and youth I've learned that kids who act out or invent tragedies to get attention need you to give them attention for positive things and in positive situations to help them build better habits, rather than simply being lectured for their unhealthy patterns. I am sorry, I have been rambling, but there is something I'm trying to get at: maybe sometimes we need to be allowed to be weak. The thing is that I am not always capable of fighting my fear and despair. I am not going to stop trying and I appreciate that you want to encourage me not to stop, I know that means you love me. But I sometimes need to be allowed to be weak. Like a little kid who is overwhelmed by how big and scary the universe is, but finds comfort in knowing their parent is in control so they are allowed to not have to solve everything and have the privilege of just being scared while their parent fights off all the invisible boogiemen under the bed. If I can get all religious for a second, what I love about Christianity is it says that we are not superhuman and cannot wake up and just be ok, but we can find peace in knowing we are weak but God is strong, so please stop heaping expectation upon my head. I am trying to trust God and not give into fear and despair, but I want to be allowed, if not to be scared and sad than to be weak, because I am weak. If you are feeling upset because you are powerless to help me, know that I have as little power as you do. Thank you.

Metaphorical Crutches: Not Being Ashamed of my Mental/ Emotional Health Strategies

I have been thinking about the metaphor of the crutch. People talk about crutches as if they are something bad. If something is someone's crutch it's a thing that they cling to in order to avoid the responsibility of independence, but the thing is that we aren't independent. We are interdependent. We are all messed up and need help, but we have different problems and different gifts and we can lean on each other and help each other out. Crutches don't keep an injured man injured forever, they help him be able to keep waking even while his injury is still healing!

I have been thinking about the comparison between depression and cancer. This is a useful comparison to show people that things that eat away at us on a mental and emotional level are just as real and serious as physical illnesses. We cannot wake up and overpower the darkness inside of us armed only with positive thinking and sheer will power any more than a cancer patient could.

However, many of us do not struggle with mental and emotional problems resembling cancer, but more like something resembling diabetes or some other illness that probably won't kill me (if I deal with it properly), but may never go away. Just as people with long term injuries, illnesses, and people born with different abilities (like blindness or deafness) require different tools and different life strategies, many people are not in danger of suicide or completely giving up but every day they have to figure out how to live with self hatred, anxiety, and sadness.

I was thinking about this today because one thing I have to live with is that I get overwhelmed really easily. If I have too much on my plate (too many thoughts in my head) it can lead to an intense anxiety. One tool I have used forever is talking to my mom. To get all my thoughts out of my head and not just on paper but actually given to someone else who can help me work through them helps me let go of each little thing which relieves the big ball of anxiety that is created when all the little things add up. Because of this, I literally talk to my mom for hours everyday about every little thing. Sometimes I worry that this means I'm not a good adult and anyways, what am I going to do when my mom dies? My mom (practical as ever) said I'll just have to find someone else to talk to when she dies because that is a strategy that works for me, and I realised that I don't have to be ashamed of this crutch because I need it to be able to walk through my everyday life, so as long as I haven't fallen into a heap on the floor its all good. So figure out what works for you and don't be ashamed if you don't do things the way others do!

Why I Hate Essentially Everything Ever Written to Single Christians

There are so many things that I see on a daily basis that are directed towards single Christians that just make me groan. The interesting thing is that they make me groan for quite a variety of different reasons. Sometimes I will see two posts that almost contradict each other and yet both of them make me mad. I am trying to respect my single friends who have views that differ from mine. We are all stumbling along through life trying to figure it out and that’s cool, but I do want to share my perspective while admitting that I could be wrong. First I would like to talk about the phrase “Date when you are ready, not when you are lonely.” Being lonely is a legitimate problem! God created Eve because “It is not good that the man should be alone.” Christians always say that God loves us and we should value Him more than some other human, which is true, and yet Adam had God and God still gave him a partner. Yes, I hope that all my single friends will be able to find joy and peace though they are alone, but I don’t want them to feel like they are a horrible person for feeling lonely. That is a legitimate feeling. Also what the heck does it mean to be ready for a relationship? I hate this idea that we have to sit around and become perfect for our future spouse for two reasons. The first is that no one is perfect, even married people; I know this for a fact, because I have married relatives and friends. Yes, there are some tools we need to start a lifelong relationship and sometimes I am glad I am not in a relationship because I don’t have certain tools like trust and communication, but people in relationships are going to be growing and learning their whole lives just like the rest of us. The other reason that I hate this idea of waiting around perfecting myself for some dude is that it makes it seem like my life has no value until I am married and everything I am doing now is only valuable if it is preparation for the future. That’s dumb. I have value as an individual and I am doing things for others or myself that have nothing to do with some random dude I may or may not marry some day, but these things still matter. Even my growth has purpose outside of a future marriage. Will a future husband benefit from any maturing I do now? Yes, but myself and my friends and strangers on the street will also benefit from it and the difference is that we are benefiting from it now not in some magical tomorrow land. That is why I hate the tradition of talking about and writing to a future spouse. For one thing you don’t even know if they exist. You might be writing to a fictional character, and I mean there is nothing wrong with that, in fact maybe I’ll go write Anne of Green Gables a letter, but I don’t want to spend my entire life obsessing over someone who doesn’t exist. I do love that people who do this kind of stuff are acknowledging that it is not wrong to admit you are lonely and want a future spouse, but I want you to know the joys of right now! Good food and drink, friends and family, pets, nature, working hard, a child holding your hand! There are so many things that bring joy other than just romance. This is something I hate about the culture even outside of the church. I want more movies, songs, and books about something other than romance. Ok that’s it. My rant is over.

Six Things Smart People Could Learn from Stupid People

First off let me ask you to PLEASE not be offended by the titles smart and stupid. This post has serious content in it, but to a certain degree I am attempting humour.

Let me explain how this list came to be. I firmly believe that I am stupid, but none of my friends agree so I was initially going to write a joke post titled "How to Trick People into Thinking You are Smart." It was mostly tips for how to survive university, though, and as I was thinking about it I realised that "stupid people" actually get way more out of university than "smart people." So I wrote this instead.

1. Time management. Smart people have the privilege of being mentally capable of procrastination. A stupid person cannot punch out an award winning essay in one night no matter how many energy drinks they down. This may seem like a loss for stupid people, but they are learning how to manage their time and really, this is a lesson that everyone is going to need eventually.

2. Work ethic. This one is very similar to time management. A smart person can try only a little bit and spend most of their life flying by the seat of their pants. This makes things easier for them, at first, but employers and the such are really going to appreciate the work ethic that stupid people develop out of necessity.

3. Interdependence. Smart people have the ability to be independent. They can get through life relying on themselves in a way that stupid people just can't. In university, for example, a stupid person is going to need more than alcohol and caffeine. A stupid person will probably depend on their smarter friends, use the academic skill centre, even (GASP) actually attend their professor's office hours. Plus stupid people are going to need to learn how to reach out for emotional support because their inability to depend upon their own brain may lead to a lot of stress and anxiety.

4. Humility. Theoretically speaking, if you spend your life as the smartest in the room needing no one's help, it is probably going to be hard not to become arrogant. Whereas, if you spend your  life staring your flaws in the face and admitting you need the help of other, smarter, people you are probably going to develop some super useful humility.

5. The importance of knowledge. Smart people can get by on intellect alone without needing to gain access to important knowledge. This one may apply to places other than university but it makes most sense in an academic context. The smart people look at the syllabus and think "Oh hey the essay and the exam are worth the most. I can ace the exam without studying and write a stellar essay in one night, so now all I have to do is come to a couple classes here and there to keep the prof off my case and I don't even have to do any readings I'll just throw in a couple comments based off the lecture to get participation marks." A stupid person, on the other hand, knows that no matter how hard they study or how much effort they put into the essay they are not guaranteed a good mark, so they have to do their best and try really hard in everything, which includes actually doing their readings. At first it may seem that the smart person has won because they do less work and get better grades, but the stupid person is actually gaining knowledge because of all the hard work they have to put into getting a passing grade.

6. The ability to learn and grow. A smart person can easily fall into the belief that there is nothing more for them to learn while a stupid person always knows that there is more.

Laurissa writes a femminist blog post!? (No, more like humanist)

This is for the skinny women who are tired of being told that "real women have curves" and constantly being reprimanded for not eating enough simply because their metabolism is rather fast. I know you can struggle with looking in the mirror and accepting what you see just as much as the next person. I know you have fallen pray to the bitter anger of jealousy. I feel for you. I imagine too that perhaps you are tired of the compliments on your looks and wish to be appreciated for what you carry in your mind, heart, and soul because I myself have felt that way and I don't even get that many compliments on my appearance.

HOWEVER, this is also for all the fuller bodied women because I want to show you that love for one person or group of people does not have to come at the expense of another. I know what the self hatred is like and the endless useless effort to change it all. I know that it can be harder to fall in love or get a job. Just the other day I heard my boss say that he needs cashiers but they have to be hot. I am not a cashier and the other girl who works in the same department as me has a similar body shape to minw while the cashier is much more thin. Were we all given our positions based on some ridiculous whim of my boss?  So it is truly possible that you are missing out on things because of your body type not to mention the name calling and persecution. It makes me sad.

We all need to learn how to accept ourselves and each other.

This is even for the man who is made fun of for being scrawny or fat, but it is also for the muscular man who is only appreciate for his body and expected to be a certain way.

This is for all people.

This is for the man who cries and is thought to be a sissy and the man who never cries and is thought to be too tough.

This is for the man ridiculed because he would rather cook, clean, and take care of his kids than fight with the numbers in their budget book and the woman ridiculed because cooking, cleaning, and childcare seem to her the most painful of monotonies.

It is for the woman who cannot walk home alone at night simply because of the gender she was born with and for the woman with a black belt in karate who walks without fear but gets criticized for trying to do things that are typically male.

This is for the woman who is persecuted in a job full of men and perhaps paid less too, but also for the woman who is looked down upon as someone not fighting for the cause simply because she WANTS to work in a more traditionally female role.

This is for the mother who wants to be respected for staying at home and the one who wants to be respected for having a career.

This is for all of us.

Fight for your cause, but not at the expense of someone else's struggle. We will only win if we work together.

Sympathy for the Hipster (What Hipsters Show About Humanity)

I saw a funny video one time that said that the one thing that we can all agree with whether we are gay, straight, black, white, religious, atheist, or none of the above is that we all hate hipsters. Even the hipsters are supposed to hate hipsters because no true hipster admits to being a hipster. I get it guys, I really do. I don't like their attitude like they are so much better than us just because I am not familiar with the band they like. I do not understand their ability to like things ironically. There is a Nerdfighter movement on the interwebs that says hey, let's unashamedly like what we like. That sounds a lot more authentic, real, and genuine than liking something to get status doesn't it? Here is the thing though, I was having a chat with a friend of mine who is basically a hipster and he was frustrated with how much people like certain books, movies, music, and TV shows because he felt that they didn't really like those things but were jumping on band wagons so that they could belong to a group or fan base. There is something wonderful about that sense of community when you all like the same thing. Hipsters may lack that sense of community but they have something else, authenticity. It may seem funny to say this when they are so known for liking things ironically, but I think a big part of why they don't want to admit to just straight up liking something popular is because they are afraid they don't like what it is for what it is, but for its popularity and to belong. They just want to like that weird band that no one has heard of because it makes them feel like they really like it for what it is and not for a community that it lets them be a part of, or a popularity it gives them, and also they seem to believe artists should create their art out of love for their art and not a desire to be popular or make money. Are those not beautiful ideas? The only problem is now liking something obscure gives you a weird sense of credit. Maybe not popularity, but it makes you seem like you are more knowledgeable about art/books/music/movies and that can motivate you more than just what you like. I think this just shows a lot of interesting stuff about what desires motivate humans. The desire for respect, belonging, and enjoyment and how these three things can sometimes conflict. It is just interesting.

Reading the Bible

I'm sitting on the front steps watching the wind dance through the trees. Listening to the leaves joining in. My  own hair tries to dance off my head. It is a beautiful afternoon. My one hand is wrapped around a mug of tea soaking in the warmth on this cold October day. My other hand holds tight to a pen. There is a book laying open on my lap. It is a well read book with wrinkled pages covered in colorful markings. I haven't read it in months. I feel my stomach tighten the way it always does when I read this book because this book reminds me that I am not what I would like to be someday. There is a light I can sometimes see, dim though it often shines in this dark world of mine, and I want to see more of that light in me, but the darkness of the world crowds its way into my heart and I'm growing weary of the endless days of monotonous pain for the way things are and the way they could be. I want to close the book and put it away because it hurts too much, but it stays open. Where is that neighbour's cat when I need a hug? My eyes are on the page although my mind is racing around in circles. Something causes me to pause. "Abide in my love." It sounds simple enough. Cut through the pain and the worry and take it back to what I think it was meant to be all along. But how do I do it? Can I drink it in the way I do the warmth and comfort of a mug of tea. Can I sit inside it like a windy day? Letting the beauty of it all change me. The way I enter the house more thankful and at peace after a long walk in the woods. I still do not understand. But I am not done with this book just yet.

OH THE MYSTERY! (Laurissa Discusses Books #2 - The Hound of The Baskervilles)

I just finished reading The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, which is the first Sherlock Holmes novel I have ever read. I haven't actually read very many mystery books of any sort at all. In fact I think the only mystery novels I have read (not including the children's mystery books that I read growing up) are a couple of the ones by Canadian author Louise Penny which are set in a small Quebec town and future detective Armand Gamache. The mystery for me is why is this such a compelling genre for so many readers and, similarly, why are crime shows like Sherlock, CSI, Bones, and Castle so popular on T.V.? I don't like this genre very much because I read, and watch T.V., for two things. First I read for characters. I want books, T.V., and movies with characters that I can fall in love with and think of as friends. Second, I read for observations about humanity. I want books to remind me that I am not alone in experiencing what I am experiencing and to put the experiences I cannot express into words I can understand. I do not simply read to be entertained and I don't like books, like mysteries, that push me to read faster and faster keeping me from the enjoyable experience of rolling intriguing phrases around in my mind by forcing me to race to the end for answers to the mystery.  So if mystery isn't my thing, why does it appeal to so many other people?

Perhaps one reason is because of the challenge it provides. At the end of The Hound of The Baskervilles, Sherlock Holmes says that he had already basically figured out the case before he even left London and that he only left because he needed proof for the courts. Well, the readers were given almost all of the same information as Sherlock, and yet I definitely did not know what was happening until the very end. For some, more ambitious, readers though this possibility of being able to figure things out before they are revealed to you may present itself as an exciting challenge.

I think there must also be a certain attraction to the detectives. I have been told that the character of Sherlock has inspired the creation of T.V. characters like The Mentalist, Dr. Gregory House, and of course tons of adaptations of Sherlock Holmes himself including the currently popular BBC mini series version. What is so appealing to us about a not always nice, but really smart and perceptive man?

I was a little disappointed that the characters in the book were not quite as vibrant as those in the BBC mini series. I find that often, in books that are very plot orientated, the characters can become a little bland. This book definitely did a better job than some, though. It painted a confident, self assured Sherlock Holmes who didn't have much time to consider the needs and wants of those around him and a Watson who was somewhat anxious to gain Sherlock's approval. The duo kind of reminded my of the similar relationship between Iggy and Victoria on the web series spinoff of Frankenstein: Frankenstein M.D. I was also really intrigued by Lord Henry's character with his tendency towards hasty action, but I would have liked to see these and other characters flushed out a little bit more.

But back to why we would be attracted to someone like Sherlock Holmes and mystery detectives in general. Maybe it is as simple as the fact that in a world where so much does not make sense we find very appealing the idea of a man whose comprehension of the world around him is much more fine tuned than ours. In this way it is possible that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's novel says quite a lot about human nature even without the fancy existential commentary of some less plot driven and more philosophical novels.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT!

To be honest, I am struggling. I thought things would get better if I got a job. Then I would be able to be proud of myself for being a hard working human being and I would have less fear of the future because I would be able to not only pay all my monthly bills, but also add to my savings so I could push the possibility of homelessness even farther into the future. However, since I got two part time jobs cooking and cleaning my life has settled into a rather drab monotony underlined by the ever present panic that comes with not knowing what to do next. I know I want to move back home, because I desperately want to spend more time with my family, but the job market is really bad there - even worse than it is where I am now. I know that, logically, I should get myself a steady career so I can alleviate some of my future financial woes. However, there are no careers readily available in today's economy which follow naturally from my current degree even allowing for the possibility of post graduate education. If I did choose to take a post grad degree in, say, teaching I would probably have to move far away to get a job and one of the few things I know for certain right now is that I love and miss my family, so I'm not down with that. I could go to college, or something, but I would be a little ashamed. It would feel like admitting that I wasted a lot of money on the wrong undergrad and I just don't think I did. It may not have lead to a career, but it was extremely formative, entertaining, interesting, informational, educational, challenging, enjoyable, and helpful. I don't regret it for a second. It also opened up a lot of amazing opportunities for me that have greatly impacted my life, but I can't help but wonder if it was a selfish use of my money even though I spent a lot of time volunteering during my B.A. in an effort to give back to the universe. Even if I were to get over the shame of going to college I wouldn't know what to take. This time around I want to be confident in my choice of career to make sure I waste no more money. I just am not confident in any career enough to go back to school just yet. The worst part is knowing that I am not alone in this. It is nice in that it alleviates some of the shame, but it makes me worry that - if so many people are still struggling to find direction, I may never find any. Sorry this was an obvious, sad, and useless post, but I needed to get it off my chest.

A Review of "A Complicated Kindness."

I have been trying to get back into reading again. It is hard because I have been rather sad and unmotivated lately without school. School stressed me out, but it kept me moving and it brought me alive because it meant that I always had something to think about.  I thought it might help if, instead of merely reading, I let myself write about what I read. This time, however, I will not be striving to sound academic. I will be honest. I will say what I really want to say about books. They may not be intelligent observations, but they will be from the heart.

It seems obvious to start with my favourite book, A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews. If you know me well, then you have probably heard me mention this book quite a few times. I don't bring it up early as much as I would like to because I don't want to accidently encourage people to read it. I DESPISE suggesting things because I'm always afraid that people will end up hating whatever I suggested and will then get mad at me for a bad suggestion. In this post then, I will show both what I love about the book and what one could possibly dislike so that I can't get blamed for an overly rosy review.

I love this book, though, it means a lot to me and has spoken to me in different ways at different times, although I have actually only read it twice. I'm not a big fan of re-reading books. I read it for the first time when I was 14 and re-read it this year for a class. In this post I will be explaining how my relationship to the story changed the second time I read it.

Quick Summary Sans Spoilers: It is the story of a teenager in a Mennonite community who struggles with romance, family, and her relationship with the local church.

 The first time I read it I was 14 years old. I was in the second semester of grade nine. It was my first year in public school after being homeschooled my whole life. I was struggling to make friends and people made fun of me because I was such an ignorant good girl. I found this book on the coffee table in my living room. I picked it up because it had won Canada Reads (which is a literary contest I loved listening to on the radio). I loved it because it had references to sex and drugs, two things that I had been seriously sheltered from, up until then and I thought that reading it meant that I was a more street wise person who would be harder to make fun of. I brought it to school and read it in front of my classmates, hoping they would realise they had been mistaken in their judgment of me. Unfortunately, it made no impact because  none of them had heard of it. Reading it now I laugh at my 14 year old self because it is a lot more tame then some of the stuff I had to read for university. I also love how it is realistic in its portrayal of these things. It doesn't make them seem shiny and exciting but, to a degree, pulls the curtain off their cultural hype.

Another reason why I related to this story, back in the day, is because when I was 14 I was already struggling with the question of "what do I believe about God?" and  already had accumulated a lot of anger towards church. I could relate to Naomi's frustration with her Mennonite community and her rejection of religion the way it was portrayed in her community. What I didn't catch until the second time I read it was Naomi's love for her community and empathy for even the worst of characters. Now that I am older I am starting to understand that  anger is extremely complicated. Often, the people who hurt you are also the people you love and who love you and are also the people you have hurt because often the ones who hurt are also hurting. Reading it the first time I felt like a rebel for reading something that so openly expressed my own frustrations with the church. The second time, I loved it for its beautiful recognition of the complexity of life.

The third reason I love this book is for its poignant portrayal of Naomi's relationship with her dad. When I was four years old I told my mom I wasn't sure if I loved her because I didn't understand what love was, and I have been obsessed with the topic ever since. I loved that this book portrayed a love other than romance and I loved how awkward it was because this shows a sincerity you don't seen much of these days. This is something that means even more to me now that my father has died shattering my picture perfect family and forcing me to learn what it means to love broken people and acknowledge my own brokenness. I was so hung up on this aspect of the book, when I was 14, that I was convinced that this is what the title was about. I ignored the final paragraph and I clung to the better story that Naomi talks about because I wanted her family to be together again as much as she did and I resisted an interpretation of the text that involved forgiving and loving the town. What I would like to say to anyone who feels that the story is hopeless is that it is all up to a) how you interpret the end and b) your definition of hope. Also, I just love that it is realistic. To anyone who complains because nothing happens, I think plenty happens but not in a shiny, shiny, bam, bam kind of way. Think of it as a portrait of humanity. If that's not your thing, then maybe don't bother. This year I was walking down the street with a classmate who had also read this book and knew that I loved it. He didn't like the book because nothing happened in it. He told me that he understood that I loved it, though, because he figured I could relate to the characters better than he could. "I've never really known pain." He told me. That makes sense, I read not to be entertained, but to know that I am not alone struggling through this crazy thing called life and that is why I love this book so much.

The importance of self reflection and questions about forgiveness.

Socrates famously said that "the unexamined life is not worth living." I can't tell you why this makes sense to me, but it has always resonated with me. When I get busy just living and don't have time to examine my life I feel disconnected from myself and lost within my own skin, whatever that even means. It feels like for so long I have been super focused on concrete things like graduate, work for the summer, find a job, and figure out what  I want to do next year. It has bee a long time since I've had a chance to, oh  I don't know, get in touch with myself. I think that sometimes we believe things that are supposed to have a major impact on our lives but we get so busy living just to survive (work, cook, eat, sleep, buy groceries, do laundry, repeat) that we can forget even the most important things. Sometimes I need to remind myself about what I believe. One of my core beliefs is that forgiveness is an essential part of life. See I believe that humans in general are less than stellar and that if we want to be forgiven, loved, and accepted as we are, then we need to forgive. Now I also believe that all people should strive to be a little more stellar. As Jack Layton said "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." I have always thought that this was a little too much to ask of myself so I ask for God to help me be loving, hopeful and optimistic and that, for me, is an up hill battle, but what happens when someone else isn't loving? We want to fight all the bad in the world, but if we get mad at someone for not being loving we ourselves are not being loving. How do we love and forgive someone who isn't being loving without condoning their actions and while encouraging them to change? How do we forgive someone when we are still hurting and angry? I don't have the answers just as I don't know how to wake up and be hopeful and optimistic when I'm struggling with fear and despair. All I know is how I want to be and sometimes I lose sight of that because I get so caught up in trying to stay alive. I don't know how to achieve my goals, I only know that a teeny tiny part of me needs to hold onto the hope that there is an answer to these questions or I'll give into despair and anger and all hope will be lost. I do believe we should be allowed to safely and lovingly express some sadness and anger to stay healthy and not bottle things up, but I don't want to give into these things completely and I don't know how to strike that balance.

My life is the beginning of a movie, but my joy matches the end

I am almost 23 years old. I am single, I work in a fairly dead end job (in the sense that there is no room for ladder climbing, and I get paid just over minimum wage), I have a nearly useless degree, and I still live in student housing. There are movies and TV shows about girls like me and they almost always end up with the girl getting a fancy pants job and moving into a nice little place with some nice dude and presumably living happily ever after.

News flash: I am already happier than I have ever been.

I love my house and my house mates. I loved learning and do not regret getting my degree even a little bit. I am extremely excited about my job. I am genuinely excited for this year. It is going to be rad.

Do I wish I had a boyfriend, better job, nicer house, and a culturally acceptable way to justify my degree? YES. Of course, but not because I really want those things for them. I want them so I won't have to be ashamed of who I am and where I'm at.
Part of me likes the cultural prevalence of stories about women in their twenties and thirties who don't have their lives together because it makes me feel less alone. However, I can't stand their endings. It would be ok if SOME of the girls ended up happily ever after in the traditional sense and some of them didn't. That would be like real life, but in real life every messed up twenty something does not always figure things out and when they do figure things out their conclusions don't always match.
I will admit that I have watched friend after friend live through this narrative. They graduate jobless and confused. They move far away to get work. They fall in love. They buy a house. They have kids. I am happy for them.

HOWEVER, that is not the only narrative that my friends have lived through. I know people who still live happily with their parents working in the same town they were born into. I know people who have travelled around the globe. I know people with such a wonderful variety of interesting lives. Why is only one narrative being portrayed in the media?

Will I be upset if my life ends traditionally? NOPE. I would love to own a little house and have kids and as much as I realise that love is hard work if it were to happen in my life I would step up to the challenge.

However, that is not my current reality. I am currently at the beginning of the story where the girl has no idea what she is doing and this time it is not Hollywood so the ending is unpredictable. Here is the thing, why does the beginning of this story have to be sad? Now we all know I am against positivity. If you are sad be sad. I will give you a hug. Sometimes, though, I am happy even when things in my life do not emulate the end of a Hollywood movie. I am not talking about forcing yourself to be happy with something you aren't. I am talking about allowing yourself to be happy with something that might be culturally unacceptable to be happy with.

I have burnt myself out in work and school to impress people with my hard work and good grades trying really hard to push my socially awkward self into friend groups to impress people when all I really want out of life is nature, deep talks, and a chance to hang out with kids, oh and a mug of tea and something yummy to eat. These are the things that bring me happiness.  I have these things in my life. I am happy. Dear Hollywood endings, the only reason I've ever wanted you is so that others will respect me. That is so silly. Peace out.

Thoughts on community, beauty, forgiveness, and saddness.

I haven't written on here in a long time because I started feeling guilty about sharing my thoughts. Partly I felt like I was getting repetitive. I was also worried that people would think I was just venting to get attention.

 Please know that is not my intention. I write to make sense of the thoughts in my own mind. I share my words with the hope that it will spark conversation because I love few things as much as I love dialogue.

Also I share my thoughts because I love reading other people's thoughts on the internet. I like it because it gives me something to think about and it is always so encouraging when I come across someone who thinks the same as I do, and so I shall continue to write. I apologize if it upsets you.

Anyways I have something to talk about.

Community.

I have been struggling with this concept.

When I am away from community I get seriously lonely.

However, only twice have I found a community that actually worked for me and both of those were years ago and have been over for a long time.
My problem with most communities is something I have attempted to express many times before but feel that I have failed to communicate properly and so I will attempt to explain it one more time.

At some point people always end up criticizing me and encouraging me to try harder to do better and then they turn around and say they are doing this out of love. In theory that actually makes sense. If you think a specific way of life is better then you will probably encourage the ones you love towards that life style.

Unfortunately it does not work in my experiential reality.

Constantly having my weaknesses pointed out makes me feel guilty. Guilt has discouraged me from change rather than working as a motivator. I have worked hard to forgive myself and encourage growth within myself, but participating in guilt ridden communities have destroyed a lot of the growth I have experienced.

Warning I'm about to get realish: I struggle with sadness. I've decided it is probably NOT depression because the only days I've ever been unable to get out of bed were ones when I didn't really have to get out of bed. It has never gotten too much in the way of work or school and although I sometimes have issues with seriously bad dark thoughts my family is such a support that I know I am not in risk of any self harm or anything that serious. However, I have a lot of fairly dark days. They may not be as dark as someone else's dark days, but they are dark and they are fairly frequent.

I have found that what helps most is noticing, appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, and creating beauty and then forgiving myself for being sad and a hug from someone else. What hurts is feeling required to be happy. A lot of people have harmed when they meant to help by encouraging happiness in a way that makes me feel guilty for my sadness and it has made community almost impossible for me.
I am doing pretty well using beauty and forgiveness to overcome my darkness but I'm struggling with choosing between loneliness or painful community. So that's where I'm at. Sorry if my thoughts bothered you.