Hello London

Moving to a new city

So many people have done this before

This isn’t even my first time

Yet still it isn’t easy

There are a thousand things which could move us on

But to live someplace new is to leave an old place behind

I was lucky enough to love my old home

But now I am an uprooted tree, wondering if I’ll be able to grow roots again

The thing is that

To say goodbye

Is to risk the possibility of no reunion

My heart is scattered, with pieces left in a million places

 Yet I feel the value of connecting and belonging

Is not in how long it lasts

But in how beautiful it gets

Oh may it get beautiful again

So here I am starting over

Even if it means loving some place new just to lose it all later  

But to say hello,

Is to risk hatred and rejection

I am not easy to love

Are any of us really?

We all come with our own layers of fear and anger

But deep within us all is a heart ready to poor out love

And the pain we stumble into on our journeys
Is really nothing new for us humans,

Who overcome and again and again

Who roll out of bed even with a heavy head

And we put one foot in front of the other

A thousand scattered hearts looking to connect

We are never truly alone

And one way or another we’ll be ok

So Hello London, I am new here.

New to this city life

And new to buildings big enough

To make a human seem minuscule.

I am new here,

But I come with open arms

Ready for all you may give

And ready to live through more loss

Oh London

For better or for worse

Come what may, here am I

Will you take me as I am? 

Exestential Crisis in a Shopping Mall

So, yesterday some friends of mine were visiting from out of town and we went shopping, you know typical past time for four twenty something young women. However, I - a twenty something young woman - hate shopping. Which really isn't that rare and I've never questioned this before. I have always accepted that I like to save my money because I have an irrational fear of  homelessness and I have a very practical outlook on clothes (I like to wear comfortable utilitarian things that will keep me warm in Winter and appropriately covered in summer because I don't live in a Nudist colony). I don't mind accompanying my friends while they shop, though, it's a nice opportunity to chat with my people and there is always fun upbeat music to dance to if you get bored, but as I was hanging out with them and they were talking about different colours and styles I suddenly started to question everything I know about myself. Why don't I like fashion??? I love art of all kinds. I draw, write, and act. Even though I am limited from exceling in certain art forms because I have no rhythm, am tone deaf, and have no hand-eye coordination I still enjoy watching or listening to professional musicians and dancers and I still dance, sing, and make pottery and jewelry and stuff when I'm around people I know won't make fun of me for failing. I just love self expression and creative communication, and isn't that what fashion is all about? So why am I not into fashion? I think there definitely is a practical and utilitarian component to my lack of interest in fashion. I remember when I was a little kid being so frustrated with my mom for making me wear dresses to church because right after church I'd be running around with other kids (interesting note: there were few kids really my age most of the other kids were boys a little younger than me) playing tag, crawling under the chairs, jumping off the stairs, and trying to climb up the side of the ramp and my mom would have to remind me to be careful that I wasn't showing the world my underwear in the midst of all of this. I was a hyper child and pants were just so much easier to play in so when I finally convinced my mom to let me wear pants it was a utilitarian desire and had nothing to do with fashion. In fact, I remember the first thing my mom let me wear instead of a dress was a one piece shorts/t-shirt button up thing that was purple with little white flowers. It was just as cute and girly as a dress but it let me run and play and I loved it. I do a lot less running and playing these days, but I still like to sit however I want and climb the odd tree and pants are just more comfortable. I do sometimes wear fancy scarves and sweaters and even the odd sundress in the summer so maybe I do enjoy self expression in fashion but don't fully embrace fashion for utilitarian reasons. However, I think there is more to it than that. I have a couple different memories from grade nine and ten on this subject that have stayed with me. One has to do with my hair which I cut super short right before I started high school and it ballooned out like a mushroom for all of grade nine. People were always telling me to straighten it so I did finally buy a straightener, but I bought a cheap one which didn't work very well and it took forever to straighten it every morning so I gave up. You might think this just shows that I am lazy and cheap, which is probably also true, but - like I said - I think it is more complicated than that because there were a couple times where I let other people straighten my hair with their intense expensive straighteners (not for fun mind you, it was part for a skit we were doing in my drama class about night mares, I'll do anything for the theatre) and I had it straight the whole day and everyone complimented me on it and those compliments frustrated me because I felt like they were say "everyday you is ugly".  Another time I wore mascara to school for fun. Now, I applied it myself, and I had never worn mascara before so I probably looked like a crazy person, but EVERYONE complimented me on it and I remember thinking they were just happy that I was trying to be normal. You might think this is one of those weird Laurissa conspiracies but I actually got a note one time in English class (yeah I know, I was alive at a time when people passed notes because not everyone had a cell phone, I'm so old) from this girl saying something like "I can help you learn how to dress, wear makeup, and do your hair so you can fit in." I think she meant well but I had seen Ten Things I Hate About You and I was familiar with the Taming of the Shrew type story line and I knew that we need to learn to love people for who they are rather than attempt to mold them into something loveable so I declined, but now maybe you understand my deeper frustrations with fashion. It isn't just that you have to be careful when climbing trees or eating ketchup if you are wearing a nice white dress or that doing hair and makeup every morning costs money and takes time, but I am deeply worried that people will like me not for who I am or the smart things I think or say or the kind things I do but for the way I dress. Is that a legitimate concern though? I mean I compliment people on their eyes, hair, clothes and jewelry all the time. It doesn't mean I think they are not capable of deep thought or that I'm not interested in accepting them for who they are but just want to congratulate them for following social norms. All I'm doing with a compliment like that is saying "Yo, you put effort into skillfully and artistically expressing yourself and I'm impressed." What's wrong with that? I mean beauty is a legit thing. I wouldn't be offended if someone said "Dang son, look at that sunset!" or "Holy stars Batman" or "Oh my golly gee that peacock has a nice tail." We aren't objectifying nature, we are appreciating it's natural beauty. And ok, female beauty often has to do with social norms, but so what? I mean if social norms say "Laurissa be skinny to an unhealthy point" I'ma be like "No freaking way bro." But if social norms say "Laurissa, at this time in history it is considered beautiful in Canada to have straight hair so go buy a straightener" what is wrong with saying ok? I mean I still think we should have the option to say "Nope, my hair is not naturally straight but I still think it's beautiful so there bro." And that brings us back to the idea of fashion as self expression, but people aren't evil for going along with social norms. So why am I so afraid of having people like me because they think I am naturally beautiful or because I've artfully enacted a style that is currently popular in my society instead of because I said something smart? I mean it doesn't bother me if people laugh at me when I say something that is currently accepted as funny in my society. That makes me feel good so why does fashion make me uncomfortable and am I wrong to have been fighting a one woman war against it all these years by on purpose wearing mostly simply utilitarian and comfortable clothes?