Hello London

Moving to a new city

So many people have done this before

This isn’t even my first time

Yet still it isn’t easy

There are a thousand things which could move us on

But to live someplace new is to leave an old place behind

I was lucky enough to love my old home

But now I am an uprooted tree, wondering if I’ll be able to grow roots again

The thing is that

To say goodbye

Is to risk the possibility of no reunion

My heart is scattered, with pieces left in a million places

 Yet I feel the value of connecting and belonging

Is not in how long it lasts

But in how beautiful it gets

Oh may it get beautiful again

So here I am starting over

Even if it means loving some place new just to lose it all later  

But to say hello,

Is to risk hatred and rejection

I am not easy to love

Are any of us really?

We all come with our own layers of fear and anger

But deep within us all is a heart ready to poor out love

And the pain we stumble into on our journeys
Is really nothing new for us humans,

Who overcome and again and again

Who roll out of bed even with a heavy head

And we put one foot in front of the other

A thousand scattered hearts looking to connect

We are never truly alone

And one way or another we’ll be ok

So Hello London, I am new here.

New to this city life

And new to buildings big enough

To make a human seem minuscule.

I am new here,

But I come with open arms

Ready for all you may give

And ready to live through more loss

Oh London

For better or for worse

Come what may, here am I

Will you take me as I am? 

Exestential Crisis in a Shopping Mall

So, yesterday some friends of mine were visiting from out of town and we went shopping, you know typical past time for four twenty something young women. However, I - a twenty something young woman - hate shopping. Which really isn't that rare and I've never questioned this before. I have always accepted that I like to save my money because I have an irrational fear of  homelessness and I have a very practical outlook on clothes (I like to wear comfortable utilitarian things that will keep me warm in Winter and appropriately covered in summer because I don't live in a Nudist colony). I don't mind accompanying my friends while they shop, though, it's a nice opportunity to chat with my people and there is always fun upbeat music to dance to if you get bored, but as I was hanging out with them and they were talking about different colours and styles I suddenly started to question everything I know about myself. Why don't I like fashion??? I love art of all kinds. I draw, write, and act. Even though I am limited from exceling in certain art forms because I have no rhythm, am tone deaf, and have no hand-eye coordination I still enjoy watching or listening to professional musicians and dancers and I still dance, sing, and make pottery and jewelry and stuff when I'm around people I know won't make fun of me for failing. I just love self expression and creative communication, and isn't that what fashion is all about? So why am I not into fashion? I think there definitely is a practical and utilitarian component to my lack of interest in fashion. I remember when I was a little kid being so frustrated with my mom for making me wear dresses to church because right after church I'd be running around with other kids (interesting note: there were few kids really my age most of the other kids were boys a little younger than me) playing tag, crawling under the chairs, jumping off the stairs, and trying to climb up the side of the ramp and my mom would have to remind me to be careful that I wasn't showing the world my underwear in the midst of all of this. I was a hyper child and pants were just so much easier to play in so when I finally convinced my mom to let me wear pants it was a utilitarian desire and had nothing to do with fashion. In fact, I remember the first thing my mom let me wear instead of a dress was a one piece shorts/t-shirt button up thing that was purple with little white flowers. It was just as cute and girly as a dress but it let me run and play and I loved it. I do a lot less running and playing these days, but I still like to sit however I want and climb the odd tree and pants are just more comfortable. I do sometimes wear fancy scarves and sweaters and even the odd sundress in the summer so maybe I do enjoy self expression in fashion but don't fully embrace fashion for utilitarian reasons. However, I think there is more to it than that. I have a couple different memories from grade nine and ten on this subject that have stayed with me. One has to do with my hair which I cut super short right before I started high school and it ballooned out like a mushroom for all of grade nine. People were always telling me to straighten it so I did finally buy a straightener, but I bought a cheap one which didn't work very well and it took forever to straighten it every morning so I gave up. You might think this just shows that I am lazy and cheap, which is probably also true, but - like I said - I think it is more complicated than that because there were a couple times where I let other people straighten my hair with their intense expensive straighteners (not for fun mind you, it was part for a skit we were doing in my drama class about night mares, I'll do anything for the theatre) and I had it straight the whole day and everyone complimented me on it and those compliments frustrated me because I felt like they were say "everyday you is ugly".  Another time I wore mascara to school for fun. Now, I applied it myself, and I had never worn mascara before so I probably looked like a crazy person, but EVERYONE complimented me on it and I remember thinking they were just happy that I was trying to be normal. You might think this is one of those weird Laurissa conspiracies but I actually got a note one time in English class (yeah I know, I was alive at a time when people passed notes because not everyone had a cell phone, I'm so old) from this girl saying something like "I can help you learn how to dress, wear makeup, and do your hair so you can fit in." I think she meant well but I had seen Ten Things I Hate About You and I was familiar with the Taming of the Shrew type story line and I knew that we need to learn to love people for who they are rather than attempt to mold them into something loveable so I declined, but now maybe you understand my deeper frustrations with fashion. It isn't just that you have to be careful when climbing trees or eating ketchup if you are wearing a nice white dress or that doing hair and makeup every morning costs money and takes time, but I am deeply worried that people will like me not for who I am or the smart things I think or say or the kind things I do but for the way I dress. Is that a legitimate concern though? I mean I compliment people on their eyes, hair, clothes and jewelry all the time. It doesn't mean I think they are not capable of deep thought or that I'm not interested in accepting them for who they are but just want to congratulate them for following social norms. All I'm doing with a compliment like that is saying "Yo, you put effort into skillfully and artistically expressing yourself and I'm impressed." What's wrong with that? I mean beauty is a legit thing. I wouldn't be offended if someone said "Dang son, look at that sunset!" or "Holy stars Batman" or "Oh my golly gee that peacock has a nice tail." We aren't objectifying nature, we are appreciating it's natural beauty. And ok, female beauty often has to do with social norms, but so what? I mean if social norms say "Laurissa be skinny to an unhealthy point" I'ma be like "No freaking way bro." But if social norms say "Laurissa, at this time in history it is considered beautiful in Canada to have straight hair so go buy a straightener" what is wrong with saying ok? I mean I still think we should have the option to say "Nope, my hair is not naturally straight but I still think it's beautiful so there bro." And that brings us back to the idea of fashion as self expression, but people aren't evil for going along with social norms. So why am I so afraid of having people like me because they think I am naturally beautiful or because I've artfully enacted a style that is currently popular in my society instead of because I said something smart? I mean it doesn't bother me if people laugh at me when I say something that is currently accepted as funny in my society. That makes me feel good so why does fashion make me uncomfortable and am I wrong to have been fighting a one woman war against it all these years by on purpose wearing mostly simply utilitarian and comfortable clothes?

Trees

Once upon a time, there was a tree which grew in front of the kitchen window of a tiny little farm house. It had been planted by a farmer for his wife who was sad when she moved away from her childhood home, so he had taken a seed from the tree by her old bedroom window and planted it near their house to remind her that this place could be their home now. As the tree grew so too did these people. They grew taller and wiser as they learned more about farming, marriage, and life. The woman’s belly grew, and then shrunk as a new baby entered the earth. Her belly grew and shrunk four more times and every time it shrunk again there was another baby. Eventually every baby grew into a man or a woman and they left their parents who had by this time begun shrinking in size. The couple’s hair had turned quite gray, yet still the tree grew on. The woman still looked out the window at it and smiled, although now she was often not remembering the home of her childhood, but the earlier years of this home when her children would play in the branches of the tree. One day the old man was no longer there to be seen and the woman would look upon the tree and weep in memory of the one who had planted it for her. Then there was a day when all the children came back, much older now with children of their own, and they took the old woman away to a nursing home and sold the house. At this time, the house itself was beginning to crumble and fall apart and the tree, which had endured many a storm, was beginning to lean too close to a power line. The new owners of the property took down both the house and the tree and began to build up tall office buildings and apartments all over the old farm land. However, before they could cut down the tree the wind swept up its seed and planted it upon a hill where grew a little sapling. This sapling was very sad and lonely because none of the people in these new buildings ever looked upon it and smiled for they were too busy looking at their computer screens. One day, though, after the little sapling had grown a bit, a little bird came to rest in the tree’s branches and sing the song of its people. This made the tree very happy, but one day the weather grew cold and its leaves started to dance away from its branches and the bird sang out “My time has come, I must bid you fair well” and, just like that, it flew away. The tree had no choice but to stay where it was and watch until the bird was nothing but a spec on the horizon. Slowly all the tree’s leaves fell down and withered and the tree was sure it was dying, but still it stood. The earth grew cold and barren. Although the sky sent down a blanket of snow to keep the tree warm, its heart felt cold with loneliness and it grew bitter and angry with the entire universe. Then one day something happened which felt like a miracle to the tree! The sun began to warm the earth once more, and even the tree’s own heart became warm as its sap ran once again and its branches grew new buds. With this beautiful spring the bird came back, for birds are migratory creatures and they never leave the trees they love forever. The bird told the tree such lovely stories of the other lands it had visited and the adventures it had along the way. The bird asked the tree what it had been doing so the tree told the bird about the cold and empty winter and the bird shuddered at the thought and wondered aloud why anyone would stay during the winter. The tree found itself wondering the same thing and wishing it had wings to fly away with the bird, but it didn’t so that Autumn the bird once again left the tree alone to weather the Winter. This time, however, the tree knew the bird was coming back, so it was  filled with a deep peace that made it possible to notice the beauty of the snow falling and the way it sparkled and twinkled beneath the streetlights. The tree also noticed the bright and colourful Christmas lights that the people in the city put up and the wonderful songs that they sang. That spring, when the bird came back, the tree had such lovely stories of its own to tell all about the joys of winter. “That does sound cool” said the bird. “Does it make you want to stay?” asked the tree. “No” the bird said “This land is still too cold for me. You should come away with me.” “I can’t” said the tree “this is the land where grew the tree that came before me, it is the land of my people, the land where I grew my roots, and I must stay.” The bird still did not understand, but the tree finally did and that was enough. 

Do Twenty Somethings Need to Grow Faster or Slower?

As a university graduate who is headed back to school and who still feels like I'm fumbling and stumbling through life in complete and utter confusion, I have been grappling with the question of whether we are asking our youth to grow too fast or whether we aren't putting enough pressure on them to grow up. On one hand I feel pressured to have it all figured out. All around me I see my old classmates getting good jobs, falling in love, buying houses, and having cute babies. This makes me wish wandering was more normal. I feel we shouldn't be pressured to have it all figured out by our early twenties because we should always be growing and learning and making new choices to get closer to where we should go. On the other hand I also hear stories about forty year olds still dwelling in their parents basements and spending most of their time on video games. Clearly I am not the only one wandering, but am I in good company or are we all failures who need to get a hold of our lives? I think maybe we do need to realise that (as cliché as it sounds) growing up is not a destination, but a process. We need to stop acting like we just need to figure out what we believe, who we love, and what career is best for us and then get to that glory life as fast as we can because growing up is something that we should never be done doing and what is more important is growing in love, not in money or status. However, wandering probably is too prevalent in my society. Progress is good. Don't stop moving, but maybe lost people like me need to make sure we aren't wasting our time on useless immaturity that lasts forever. Move as long as it is not in circles. Go ahead, be confused, as long as your confusion is taking you somewhere. But I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. How do I progress in love, confidence, knowledge, and understanding? Someone please show me the way. Here is to hoping that all those who wander really aren't lost.