I am almost 23 years old. I am single, I work in a fairly dead end job (in the sense that there is no room for ladder climbing, and I get paid just over minimum wage), I have a nearly useless degree, and I still live in student housing. There are movies and TV shows about girls like me and they almost always end up with the girl getting a fancy pants job and moving into a nice little place with some nice dude and presumably living happily ever after.
News flash: I am already happier than I have ever been.
I love my house and my house mates. I loved learning and do not regret getting my degree even a little bit. I am extremely excited about my job. I am genuinely excited for this year. It is going to be rad.
Do I wish I had a boyfriend, better job, nicer house, and a culturally acceptable way to justify my degree? YES. Of course, but not because I really want those things for them. I want them so I won't have to be ashamed of who I am and where I'm at.
Part of me likes the cultural prevalence of stories about women in their twenties and thirties who don't have their lives together because it makes me feel less alone. However, I can't stand their endings. It would be ok if SOME of the girls ended up happily ever after in the traditional sense and some of them didn't. That would be like real life, but in real life every messed up twenty something does not always figure things out and when they do figure things out their conclusions don't always match.
I will admit that I have watched friend after friend live through this narrative. They graduate jobless and confused. They move far away to get work. They fall in love. They buy a house. They have kids. I am happy for them.
HOWEVER, that is not the only narrative that my friends have lived through. I know people who still live happily with their parents working in the same town they were born into. I know people who have travelled around the globe. I know people with such a wonderful variety of interesting lives. Why is only one narrative being portrayed in the media?
Will I be upset if my life ends traditionally? NOPE. I would love to own a little house and have kids and as much as I realise that love is hard work if it were to happen in my life I would step up to the challenge.
However, that is not my current reality. I am currently at the beginning of the story where the girl has no idea what she is doing and this time it is not Hollywood so the ending is unpredictable. Here is the thing, why does the beginning of this story have to be sad? Now we all know I am against positivity. If you are sad be sad. I will give you a hug. Sometimes, though, I am happy even when things in my life do not emulate the end of a Hollywood movie. I am not talking about forcing yourself to be happy with something you aren't. I am talking about allowing yourself to be happy with something that might be culturally unacceptable to be happy with.
I have burnt myself out in work and school to impress people with my hard work and good grades trying really hard to push my socially awkward self into friend groups to impress people when all I really want out of life is nature, deep talks, and a chance to hang out with kids, oh and a mug of tea and something yummy to eat. These are the things that bring me happiness. I have these things in my life. I am happy. Dear Hollywood endings, the only reason I've ever wanted you is so that others will respect me. That is so silly. Peace out.
Thursday, 28 August 2014
Monday, 25 August 2014
Thoughts on community, beauty, forgiveness, and saddness.
I haven't written on here in a long time because I started feeling guilty about sharing my thoughts. Partly I felt like I was getting repetitive. I was also worried that people would think I was just venting to get attention.
Please know that is not my intention. I write to make sense of the thoughts in my own mind. I share my words with the hope that it will spark conversation because I love few things as much as I love dialogue.
Also I share my thoughts because I love reading other people's thoughts on the internet. I like it because it gives me something to think about and it is always so encouraging when I come across someone who thinks the same as I do, and so I shall continue to write. I apologize if it upsets you.
Anyways I have something to talk about.
Community.
I have been struggling with this concept.
When I am away from community I get seriously lonely.
However, only twice have I found a community that actually worked for me and both of those were years ago and have been over for a long time.
My problem with most communities is something I have attempted to express many times before but feel that I have failed to communicate properly and so I will attempt to explain it one more time.
At some point people always end up criticizing me and encouraging me to try harder to do better and then they turn around and say they are doing this out of love. In theory that actually makes sense. If you think a specific way of life is better then you will probably encourage the ones you love towards that life style.
Unfortunately it does not work in my experiential reality.
Constantly having my weaknesses pointed out makes me feel guilty. Guilt has discouraged me from change rather than working as a motivator. I have worked hard to forgive myself and encourage growth within myself, but participating in guilt ridden communities have destroyed a lot of the growth I have experienced.
Warning I'm about to get realish: I struggle with sadness. I've decided it is probably NOT depression because the only days I've ever been unable to get out of bed were ones when I didn't really have to get out of bed. It has never gotten too much in the way of work or school and although I sometimes have issues with seriously bad dark thoughts my family is such a support that I know I am not in risk of any self harm or anything that serious. However, I have a lot of fairly dark days. They may not be as dark as someone else's dark days, but they are dark and they are fairly frequent.
I have found that what helps most is noticing, appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, and creating beauty and then forgiving myself for being sad and a hug from someone else. What hurts is feeling required to be happy. A lot of people have harmed when they meant to help by encouraging happiness in a way that makes me feel guilty for my sadness and it has made community almost impossible for me.
I am doing pretty well using beauty and forgiveness to overcome my darkness but I'm struggling with choosing between loneliness or painful community. So that's where I'm at. Sorry if my thoughts bothered you.
Please know that is not my intention. I write to make sense of the thoughts in my own mind. I share my words with the hope that it will spark conversation because I love few things as much as I love dialogue.
Also I share my thoughts because I love reading other people's thoughts on the internet. I like it because it gives me something to think about and it is always so encouraging when I come across someone who thinks the same as I do, and so I shall continue to write. I apologize if it upsets you.
Anyways I have something to talk about.
Community.
I have been struggling with this concept.
When I am away from community I get seriously lonely.
However, only twice have I found a community that actually worked for me and both of those were years ago and have been over for a long time.
My problem with most communities is something I have attempted to express many times before but feel that I have failed to communicate properly and so I will attempt to explain it one more time.
At some point people always end up criticizing me and encouraging me to try harder to do better and then they turn around and say they are doing this out of love. In theory that actually makes sense. If you think a specific way of life is better then you will probably encourage the ones you love towards that life style.
Unfortunately it does not work in my experiential reality.
Constantly having my weaknesses pointed out makes me feel guilty. Guilt has discouraged me from change rather than working as a motivator. I have worked hard to forgive myself and encourage growth within myself, but participating in guilt ridden communities have destroyed a lot of the growth I have experienced.
Warning I'm about to get realish: I struggle with sadness. I've decided it is probably NOT depression because the only days I've ever been unable to get out of bed were ones when I didn't really have to get out of bed. It has never gotten too much in the way of work or school and although I sometimes have issues with seriously bad dark thoughts my family is such a support that I know I am not in risk of any self harm or anything that serious. However, I have a lot of fairly dark days. They may not be as dark as someone else's dark days, but they are dark and they are fairly frequent.
I have found that what helps most is noticing, appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, and creating beauty and then forgiving myself for being sad and a hug from someone else. What hurts is feeling required to be happy. A lot of people have harmed when they meant to help by encouraging happiness in a way that makes me feel guilty for my sadness and it has made community almost impossible for me.
I am doing pretty well using beauty and forgiveness to overcome my darkness but I'm struggling with choosing between loneliness or painful community. So that's where I'm at. Sorry if my thoughts bothered you.
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